Knock Down the Hall
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I saw a little piece of it
Not even the whole thing through
Just glass lit up for half a second
Then red, then black, then blue
And I woke up like I was drowning
Like my body got there first
Hands shaking, heart gone stupid
Mouth all dry and chest all worse
The room was dark but not that dark
The kind where shapes still watch
My shirt stuck cold against my back
I couldn't make it stop
Then I felt the bed beneath me
And I wanted to disappear
Like how does something in your sleep
Still follow you out here
And I'm too old for this
Aren't I too old for this
Standing in the middle of the night
Like a little kid again
Too scared to move
Too scared to breathe
Too scared to shut my eyes
In case the whole thing starts again
The second I let go
And I don't even know
If I should knock down the hall
Or just stay here with it
Till the morning comes at all
I keep listening for a sound
A floorboard, a sink, a light
Anything to prove the world is still
And not that other night
I almost reach the doorknob
Then I pull my hand away
What if they hear the crack in me
And nothing smart to say
Maybe everybody has one dream
That hits a little too real
One that leaves your whole grown body
Acting like it doesn't heal
Maybe somebody else right now
Is standing frozen on the floor
Trying to act their age
While staring at a bedroom door
And I'm too old for this
Aren't I too old for this
Standing in the middle of the night
Like a little kid again
Too scared to move
Too scared to breathe
Too scared to shut my eyes
In case the whole thing starts again
The second I let go
And I don't even know
If I should knock down the hall
Or just stay here with it
Till the morning comes at all
The sheets, the shame, the shaking
The half-dream in my head
The way one little memory
Can turn the whole room red
I tell myself it's over
But my body doesn't care
It keeps trying to survive something
That isn't even there
And I'm too old for this
Or maybe not, I guess
Maybe fear just stays fear
No matter how you dress it up
In years or words
Or all that strength
You swear you learned by now
Maybe sometimes night just gets inside
And makes a liar out of proud
So I stand here in the dark
With my hand near the wall
Trying to decide
If I'm still too old
To knock down the hall