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Can’t Teach This

The Stupendium
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A notice to all Musicality students Professor Stupendium's lecture on Awkward white middle-class Hip-hop and it's use as A promotional tool will be starting In the lecture hall shortly thank you! Welcome, students, to Two Point U! This campus we've established to point you Down the path of academia and viewpoints new And there's a chance that you will Leave here as employed too We're certain that the circumstance could Use a little pomp With learning you can turn your hand Just choose thе skill you want The young mind needs a-moulding And we do it with aplomb Though no one еver specified just What to mould it from Every course, of course Has been meticulously planned Though standard Maths and Science Is particularly bland So, pick from our curriculum of kitchens Crypts and bands You won't find a diploma simply Digging in the sand! What's that oh they will? Ah, Archaeology, right, yes We do teach Archaeology In that case, you might want to Start digging for that diploma now Before it starts to compost Would the teacher's pet please report to The nurse for microchipping and deworming Thank you! We're best in class for espionage The course is sure to thrill you But if I told you where it is Of course I'd have to kill you Embark upon the darker arts If morbidness fulfils you Our dungeon's rather wonderous with All authentic mildew There's jousting in the grounds See them gleaming in their chivalry There's pizza in the kitchen Inconvenient for delivery Or come improve your subterfuge and Scheming for the ministry And rest assured our Wizard School Is big on inclusivity Ah, young Mr toasterpastry Come in i'm afraid I've called you To my office to talk About how you've been conducting yourself In the Music Lab You see, you're supposed to use a baton Here at Two Point Campus where our Mind's put to the test Our scores in class still can't Surpass our piling student debts Would a Mr danger, on the Deep Undercover Spy course Please be aware that your mother is at The office with your packed lunch This tannoy will now self-destruct Greer? Here pleasant? Present Glendenning? Attending samson? Absent Hardy? Tardy tate? Late Glover? Undercover drake? Baked Connors? Slightly fossilized Sorry, I apologize ustinov? Goofing off And Robinson's robotified Have we got a Gideon? Just pondering oblivion Hurst? I'm just a little cursed But William's amphibian Hamman and Slattery? Ran out of battery Cormack? On horseback and galloping gallantly Pickering? Pickling coombes? Entombed Hirshall? He's virtually trapped in normality Higgins? Digging emily? Napping Winkler? Tinkering gregory? Rapping Owens and Cleese? Throwing some cheese Duncan flunked and that only leaves Llewellin Mayhew Matt O'Grady Baudelaire Phipping Tim Matthau Witherspoon? He fell in a huge of vat of gravy but They're fishing him back out with a spoon ...The fourth and fork! ...I'm just going to put absent Here at Two Point Campus We've got straight A's through the roof Though we're acutely aware that our Degrees are quite obtuse Students are reminded that though We are contractually obligated To encourage you to follow your dreams That does not excuse falling Asleep in lectures thank you! We're here to paint the future and Now you can be the canvas In that you'll be hung out to dry As soon as fees are handed Zoology? Neurology? We muddled Up the pamphlets We tried to hire Pavlov's Dog But built a Hippo-Campus We've scientific instruments So come and get involved Though one horrific incident Chemistry club dissolved The canteen's packed with ten foot Stacks of huge profiteroles And a little dairy derring do and You could win the gold Other faculties can grapple with The boring and uncomical Our methods are methodic and We've taught the tautological The courses may be dangerous And harm is very possible You're fortunate we're neighbours with just Far too many hospitals Good afternoon class i'm glad To see you're all here to hand in Your invisibility assignments! ...Or I'm in the wrong room Yeah, this is camouflage class mate Here at Two Point Campus where The future's being formed But you've seen what we teach here so Don't say that you weren't warned Graduating students are encouraged to Have the time of Their lives because it's all Downhill from here thank you!