Skip to content
Lyric
Dive
Public playlists
My playlists
Search
Sign in
Other People's Kids
Louis C.K.
Popularity ยท Low
+
๐ฌ๐ง English ยท Original
0
0
Listen
YouTube
1
2
3
0:00 / 0:00
Loading YouTube player...
Lyrics offset
Synced
Lyrics
Original
Translation
Bilingual
Anyway, I don't, I don't know why I'm such an asshole. I really am
I have, I'm grumpy, I don't, I get impatient with people quickly
You know? I just get tired of, when people are boring I want to
Kill them, you know? And that's not fair. I used to like people
More. But now I have children, and that changes your life
Changes your life in a lot of ways. Like, you spend a lot of time
With people you never would have chosen to spend time with. Not
In a million years. I spend whole days with people, I'm like, "
I never would have hung out with you. I didn't choose you. Our
Children chose each other based on no criteria by the way. They're
The same size. They don't give a
Shit who they make me hang out with."
My daughter had a play date the other day, this kid comes over
His father brings him. And his father brings his fucking face into
My house. And I have to ask it questions for an hour and a half. "
Ugh. What do you do? I don't care. God damn it. What other shit are
You passing on to that little faggot you brought over here to play
With my kid? I don't, I hate your son. I hate him. He smells. Gets
Too close when he talks, 'Can I have raisins?' Yes, you can have
Just, stand, dude, I'm not, you're not mine, I don't love you. Do
You understand? I don't have any, no love. None. I don't even have
An instinct to protect you. I don't care if you die. I seriously
I won't feel anything if you die. I'll have to pretend for your dad."
I like kids. Parents, I'm not crazy about. Most parents, like this
Whole country, our thing is the children. We have to do it all for
The children, and meanwhile nobody gives a shit about how they raise
Their kids. People put minimal effort into it. They have their kids
They're like consumers of their kids, like they want to call customer
Service. "Why does he play video games all day? I don't understand
Why he plays video-" Maybe because you bought him a fucking video
Game, you idiot! Throw it, throw it away! Who told you that was
A good idea? A developing mind, "De-de-de-de-de!" Fucking idiots!
My kids don't even watch television. And when I tell most
Other parents that, you know what they say? They go, "Ah
Fuck you!" Just 'cause, fuck you, fucking hippie, weirdo
They're gonna grow up weirdos. 'Cause they don't watch just
Fucking anger and colors screaming in their face. "De-de-de-de-de!"
If your kids watch TV, here's what you should do. Just if you think
That's a really good idea to have them watch TV. When next time
Your kid's watching television, just come up behind them, when they
Don't know you're there, and just turn it off, without any warning
Just go (pfft) . Watch what happens, they go "Yeh-he-he-he-heh!"
Do you think that's a good sign? Do you think it's a sign that
It's healthy for them? That when it's taken away they go "Rrrrrr!"
Because you've created such a high bar of stimulus that nothing
Competes. A beautiful day is shit to a child now. A gorgeous
Panoramic day with hawks catching fucking mice and flying away
And bears with fucking fish in their teeth. And the kid's like
"I don't want to watch the television! This is nothing!"
That's what's wrong with our kids. They can't
Just stand and be a person without "Baa! Bwaaa!"
And then the food, we feed them food that tastes like, like insanity
It's insanity, our food. Do you under- the difference is, you should
Be able to give a kid an apple and they go "Oh, thank you. I love
Apples." Kids can't even taste, apples are like paper to them
Because we fill them, we force them to eat, people force their kids
To eat fast food. I was in this hamburger, this woman's like just
Shoving french fries, and like, "Eat it!" The kid's like, "Mom
It's salty, it hurts, I can't eat anymore." "Shut up, have a soda!"
We give them MSG, sugar, and caffeine, and weirdly, they react to
Those chemicals. And so they yell, "Aah!" and then we hit them. What
Fucking chance does a kid have? We pump this stuff in there, "Aah!
Shut up! Stop it! Why are you like this?" "Because I haven't
Had actual nutrition in eight years, mom. I'm dehydrated
Give me water, Pepsi's not water, you cunt, give me a glass
Of water. I'm dying. I have sores on my tongue all the time
And stop hitting me, you're huge! How could you hit me?
That's crazy. You're a giant and I can't defend myself."
I really think it's crazy that we hit our kids. It really is, here's
The crazy part about it. Kids are the only people in the world that
You're allowed to hit. Do you realize that? They're the most
Vulnerable and they're the most destroyed by being hit, but it's
Totally okay to hit them. And they're the only ones. If you hit a
Dog, they fucking will put you in jail for that shit. You can't hit
A person unless you can prove that they were trying to kill you. But
A little tiny person with a head this big who trusts you implicitly
Fuck 'em! Who gives a shit? Let's fucking hit, let's all hit them
Hit, your people want you to hit your kid. If your kid's making
Noise, they're like, "Hit him, hit him! Hit him! Rrrrr, hit him!
We're proud of it, we tell it. "I hit my kids." That's what people
Say all the time. "You damn right I hit my kids." "Why do you hit
Them?" "'Cause they were doing a thing I didn't like at the moment
And so I hit them, and guess what? They didn't do it after that
" "Well, that wouldn't be taking the fucking easy way out, would it?
How about talking to them for a second, you fucking retard? How
Is that...? What are you, an idiot? What are you, a fucking ape?
" "Well, I know it's a pain in the ass." "Well, you fucked a woman
And a fucking baby came out of her vagina. Now you be patient
It's not their fault." "Well, I'm teaching them that you hit things
It's learning the world. You hit him, and he'll know that I'm
Stronger than him, that it hurts when my hand hits his face. He'll
Know. We'll get some wisdom out of that. I'm raising him right."
God damn it. Look though, let me say this. If you have kids and you
Do hit your kids, I totally get it. I'm not judging. Let me just
Explain... I get it. Because my mom hit me. She hit me all the time
I don't hit my kids. I'm not better than my mom. It's 'cause she
Was poor and I have money. That's really all it is. It really is
My mom worked really hard. She was a single mom. She'd come home all
Bent over after 15 hours. I'd be like "Mommy, mommy." "Shut up!"
I totally get that. I work two hours a week sometimes. So it's not
Really fair, and I know that. I know there's moments when you just
Fucking... I mean, being a parent means you have your back up against
The wall all the time because it's the only job you can't quit. It's
The only job where you can't just put your wrench
Down and go, "Fuck it guys, I'm leaving
I don't even want my last check. I'm going home."
ย