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A Man in New Pants
Will Wood
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So it was after that, that I kind of decided
I was done doing the whole Will Wood thing
Some time came and went
And I kept planning and un-planning my stupid trip
And eventually the woman who I wrote that song about
She and I started seeing each other again
Not like I need your emotional investment
Add to the stakes of my relationship
Her name's Christina, and she's an environmental engineer
She's smart, she's funny
She's got freckles that look like stars in a mountaintop sky
I know, gay
And she's the strangest woman I have ever met
And she's kind
Which especially in this day and age
Feels like about the strangest thing you can be
She will catch any bug that gets into the house
And scoop it up and bring it back outside
So it can live its life where it belongs and be happy and free and
One time she found a dying baby rat in a parking lot somewhere
And so she picked it up
And she brought it back home
And she was able to nurse it back to health
And it's still living with her to this day
She dates me
Charitable woman
She's patient and she's understanding
And when it's you versus the world she's on your team
And after some time spent working through some old wounds
And there were plenty, we've known each other since we were kids
And there's been a lot of opportunities for me to be
A fuckin' piece of shit
I sat her down and
I said to her
Chris, I don't know if you're ready for something like this
I don't know if I'm ready for something like this
But if there's any chance you are
Would you
Go with me to a timeshare presentation in Branson, Missouri?
She said yes
There was one condition
Okay, so I know I'm known as being like "the rat guy", right?
But she actually started that back in the day
We actually used to be rat parents together
Years ago
And Christina's favorite rat at the time was this
Adorable, incredibly sweet little critter named Casper
Who is the sweetest animal you could possibly hope to meet
Just, you know, cuddly, and curious, and adventurous
And she had injured her foot in some way
That had led it to being paralyzed
And so, her animal instincts kind of kicked in
And she started trying to bite it off
And so Christina had had to separate Casper from her cage-mates
And put her in this big green bin full of blankets and
Repeatedly change this enormous cast-like bandage on her foot
Because I don't know if you know this about rats
But they have very little understanding of medical care
And so as soon as that bandage is on her foot
She's trying to like 127 Hours it back off
We had to keep an eye on her at all times and so
Naturally, the condition was
That if we were going to go
To a timeshare presentation in Branson, Missouri
We would need to bring a dying rat with us
And I thought
Who am I?
I'm a man in new pants
Okay? I've changed
I'm not even Will Wood any more
Okay? Baby, I'm not that same jerk any more
I drive a Subaru now
And it has room for
The two of us, and
Christina
And the big green bin full of blankets
Andโ
ย