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(The Legend Of) Miss Baltimore Crabs
Michelle Pfeiffer
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Front step, cha cha cha
Back step, cha cha cha
Side step, front step
Back and turn
Oh my God, Penny there's Link, Link
I can't believe I'm really here auditioning
I can't believe I'm really here watching you audition
Front step, cha cha cha
Back step, cha cha cha
Side step, front step
Back and
Oh Amber, look at this motley crew
This town sure has gone downhill since I was crowned
Oh, Mother not more ancient history
Oh my God
How times have changed
These girls must be blind or
Completely deranged
But time seemed to halt
When I was Miss Baltimore Crabs
Amber! That move is far too dirty
Mother wake up from that dream of yours
This isn't 1930
You can laugh but life's a test
Don't do this, don't do that
Remember, Mother knows best
But the crown's in the vault
From when I won Miss Baltimore Crabs
These steps are perfect ammunition
Let me show you how your mommy dear took out the competition
Girls, go get 'em! Boys, let's rumba
1-2-3-4-5-6-7
Those poor runner-ups
Might still hold some grudges
They padded their cups
But I screwed the judges
Those broads thought they'd win
If a plate they would spin
In their dance
Not a chance
Boys, put me down
Oh, good morning ladies
Let's see what you've got
Twist, twist, twist, twist
Mashed potato, Mambo
Ready? Begin
On my show you'll never find
A thrusting hip or bump and grind
What's that, a dance for fleas and ticks?
You should have seen my bag of tricks
Oh, I hit the stage batons ablaze
While belting Aida
And preparing soufflรฉs
But that triple somersault
Is how I clinched Miss Baltimore Crabs
ย
Proceed
Are you scared? We're on live
No, I'm sure I can cope
Well, this show isn't broadcast in Cinemascope
I never drank one chocolate malt
No desserts for Miss Baltimore Crabs
This one will never get a date
In those hand-me-down clothes
Kid, she'll never get a date
'Til daddy buys her a new nose
I would say "oy gevalt" if I wasn't
Miss Baltimore Crabs
Do you dance like you dress?
Amber, there's no need to be cruel
Would you swim in an integrated pool?
I sure would
I'm all for integration
It's the new frontier
Not in Baltimore it isn't
And may I be frank?
First impressions can be tough
And when I saw you I knew it
If your size weren't enough
Your last answer just blew it
And so, my dear so short and stout
You'll never be in
So we're kicking you out
With your form and your face
It isn't your fault
You're just down with a case of Miss
Baltimore Crabs
You may go
Um, thank you
I think they secretly liked you
May I please audition?
Of course not
But you may bow and exalt
'Cause I am Miss Baltimore Crabs
(Crabs, Crabs, Crabs)
ย