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I Had a Slouch Hat Too One Time
Jack Kerouac
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I had a slouch hat too one time
The old slouch hat
I just keep walking around and he keeps walking around with me
Around and around that necktie counter we went
When it rained I wore my old slouch hat
It was a good felt that I had to carry through many rainy day
Late fall and early spring
Perhaps it was a rainy day and the house dick might have saw my hat
Each tie on that ring worth six bucks
Brooks Brothers, sixty bucks worth of ties
Slacks with peculiarities
I couldn't even find a pair of slacks I thought I was suitable to wear
Wrapped one pair around me and pinned it in with a safety pin
Pulled up my trousers and went out and looked at myself in the mirror
Oh no, those won't do, and I walked out
Wrapped the slacks around my waist
Took two other pair, went to the mirror, threw them at the salesman
No, those won't do, good afternoon, and walked out
The slouch hat I got at Harvard Club, Yale Club, Princeton Club
Or one of the other, Dartmouth Club, University Club
Always barred the Yacht Club, 'cause it was a little over my kin
'Cause the doorman knew that only Mr. Astor
Mr. Vanderbilt and Mr. Whitney belonged
He couldn't say, "Good morning, Mr. Astor
" Because he knew I wasn't Mr. Astor
I always figured a way to heel into those other clubs
Not only a member of Who's Who
But a Who's Who also have to be a member of Who's
Who in New York in the special clique of Who's
I get in the Athletic Club many time
And I'd go up in the billiard room
And I would wander back around the room, hands in back
And every coat rack I backed up against to feel for the wallet
One day I walked out of there with ten wallets
Bellboy looking me over
Pretty soon a very dignified-looking
Gentleman come up and buzzed the bellboy
He says, "Who?"
And I says, "Man told me his name while we were drinking at the bar
And told me to meet him in this billiard room at the Athletic Club
I don't see him, so I best, I better go"
"Well, tell me about the old slouch hat"
Oh, one of my numerous trips to one of
The numerous clubs in New York City
The hat finally was left in the hotel
Which I had to leave rather hardly one night, never to return
So the hat was given to the castoffs of the
Hotel which they collect in rummage sales
May now be worn by one of the members
Of Skid Row, New York City, the Bowery
"I seen that hat by moonlight"
Yeah, I had a pointed mustache, and
I mean pointed, half inch from here
Double-breasted vest and a derby hat and striped trousers
English shoes, black, very pointed, they were Hanna shoes
People on Broadway turn and look at me
The worst is yet to come
I had a pince-nez with a long black ribbon to my buttonhole
And I wore a carnation, white or red
Boy, did I look like something
Year later I got caught
I was dressed differently and everything
But boy, that mustache and that pince-nez was really out of this world
I used that outfit six months
Finally had to pack it in because it was too well worn
Pince-nez was in a coat I stole
Mustache I grew in the sanitarium while
Taking one of my numerous drug cures
My mother come to see me, she says, "Oh no, cut it off"
I'm just having a little fun, mother
Took it on the lam and went to Canada
Late at night, I'm full of morphine
And I come down full of goofballs too
This guy had a ventriloquist doll and
He gave out this Texas guinan routine
"Hello, sucker, we like your money as well as anybody else's
As a matter of fact, the bigger you roll, the more we take you"
He used to get everybody interested
With the doll and cut out silhouettes
Put stripes in your tie
Wound up in his room, gave him a shot of morphine
Out on the highway I thumbed a ride into Buffalo
And I put the bum on the guy for something to eat
He said, "Eat in my drugstore"
So we went in the back and he had corn on the cob and boiled potatoes
"Say, fella, I always hear people talk
About morphine, what's it look like?"
He shows me, he had a he, a cabinet
He had bottles of hundreds, quarter grains
Half grains, pentapod, dilaudid, everything
Soon as he tended to the customers I emptied the bottles
Got out of there pretty quick, bought a safety
Pin in Buffalo and took a shot in the toilet
Come out and saw a fella shaving, his coat hanging there
Hung my own coat and gave his coat a brush with my hand
Felt his wallet, washed my hands
Went out and took off with the wallet
So I started out on a shoplifting campaign in Buffalo
It was about 1910, wasn't very experienced at it
Started out with a topcoat and sold it in a taxicab stand
Next day I decided to get myself some suits
And I went up and I had a suit box and I walked about
And put the suit box in one of the dressing rooms
Looked and fooled in the mirror, went out and I hawked those too
Next day like a damn fool, go out to the same store
But I got a newspaper instead of a suit box
Thought I'd try a new routine
Two guys kind of watching me
I went in and wrapped myself up, two suits, went in the elevator
Bottom gentleman tapped me on the arm, "Will you come with me please?"
In the county jail, they ate breakfast, you got oatmeal
With one spoonful of molasses
For lunch, stew, mostly bones, graveyard stew
And for supper, dinner at night, beans
And you couldn't smoke
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