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Voicemail Non Sequiturs
Maria Bamford
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I, uh
I've seen a lot of frightening things since, uh, moving to Los Angeles
And, uh, but there is still nothing more frightening and suspenseful
Then a non-sequitur left on my answering machine by my mother
Hey, kid, it's your mom
Listen, your father slapped your Uncle Bill on the back
Turns out Bill had this huge sebaceous cyst, and it just went splat
And there was kinda this cottage cheese stuff going everywhere
And I am sending you an article on Carol Burnett
How does that go together?
I think maybe as you get older
Maybe nothing's really particularly good or bad anymore
It's just one long, smooth ride to the finish
Hey, kid, you know your friend from junior high, Christy Combs
She's fine, but she shot herself in the head by accident
And your father is taking jazzercise
Hey, kid, guess who I saw at the drugstore?
Patty Stoffanick, your favorite fifth-grade teacher
She was there with her life partner, Gretchen
And Patty just had a hysterectomy
So she's been having some dryness
And they were there to pick up some lubricant
Which is interesting, because I didn't think in that kind of relationship
You'd really have a lot of penetration
And I want to know when you're coming to visit
Hmm, not anytime soon
Madre, not any time soon
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