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Do You Love Me?
Kyle Kinane
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I think I'm just gonna start believing in God again. Why not? Not out
Of any kind of, like, repent or anything. Like, I'm not scared, I'm
Just bored. It's just a more fun place if you're agnostic. Like, just
Leave the "maybe" there, you know? It's just more fun. Like, "Why do
Trees grow so tall?" "Maybe it's God." "Is that a guy following us
With a knife?" "Maybe it's a chupacabra." You know? It's just... It's
The world's a more whimsical place if you get into that. I wanna
Believe in ghosts. Like, that's why I get maid service. I like to
Pretend it's a real courteous poltergeist. "Spirits are real! And
They made the bed. That was real nice of them." I believe in Bigfoot
I think Bigfoot's real, but I think his whole thing is that he, uh
He fucks you while you're camping. And that's why the true story
Never came out. You're just camping, your tent opens up, and you're
Like, "Oh man, it's Bigfoot!" And he's just like, "Shh... Nobody's
Gonna believe you, bro. Take off your pants." That's why Bigfoot
Walks like that, all laid back. Just got done fucking. "Shit, there
Goes Bigfoot! Looks like he just got his dick wet! Yeah! Bigfoot!"
Sorry. That's the dumbest joke I've ever written. I don't know. I'm
Just, I'm gonna be agnostic. I was an atheist, but man, those people
Are just the worst. They're just as bad as everybody else. Atheism
Atheism's just, like, it's dangerous when you're a teenager, it's
Interesting in college, and after that, you're just a drip that
Ruins parties by starting everything with, "You seem like an
Intelligent person." It's cool that you have, but I just don't trust
Anybody that is so positive. They're, like, so certain about
Something you can't prove, you know? Either way, either, either side
You fall in, God or no God, I don't trust them, and I don't trust
People that have confidence without alcohol. I do not trust those
People. Somebody that can dance when they're sober is the scariest
Person you'll ever meet. Those should be the first people in line
For murder suspects. If you're, you're just at a wedding, you see
Somebody getting really loose, like, "Man, how many have you had?" "
Not a drop since '97. Don't like losing control of myself." "You get
Out of here, baby-eater." But yeah, I, I don't know. I, I, like
I had this, I had, I guess it's an epiphany. I don't know what it
What it was. I was making some IKEA furniture, and I wasn't even
Using the instructions, so I was, I was, like, just freestyling on
It. So that pretty much makes me a carpenter. And so I started to
Be like, "Here I am, just this little bearded guy, being a carpenter
And Jesus is just a little bearded carpenter, and he just traveled
The land trying to make people happy and better, like I'm just
Traveling the land trying to make people happy, and maybe I've
Been a Christian this whole time, I just didn't even know it
Because you try and live in a more Christ-like way, and that's
What I've been doing this whole time. But then I realized that
Jesus probably never called a TV stand a bitch five times, and then
Took a nap to Cheers reruns out of frustration. He would have
Persevered where I faltered." So that, and some other things, are
Why I'm not like Jesus. But I have been getting the stigmata a whole
Lot lately, so that's been throwing me off. Not traditional, like
Holes in the hands and speaking. I've just been getting fat and
Going bald. It's, uh, some Buddhist stigmata, something. I, uh, I...