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Campaign Speech
Eminem
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Jumped out of the 2nd floor of a record store with a Treacherous Four cassette
And a cassette recorder
In Ecuador with Edward Norton
Witness the metamorphosis of a legend growin' like an expert swordsman from the Hessian war and hence the origin of the Headless Horseman
Born with the endorphins of a pathetic orphan
Endless source and reservoir of extension cords in dresser drawers, and deadbolts on the bedroom door, and sexual torture kits kept in a separate storage bin
Excellent boyfriend!
Use intercourse to settle scores with women who have vendettas towards men
Dickhead is forced in 'till there's shredded foreskin
Reddish torn, and they're only bein' fed a portion
Bed sores, and sore shins, pregnant whores can get abortions
Fetish for stickin' metal forks in, self-absorption
Skeletor, I went to Hell and fell a floor
A predator, I'm headed for competitors
Better warn 'em, what I lack in tact and a set of morals
I make up for in metaphors like a cosmetic store
Stegosaurus, Chuck Norris with a thesaurus
Yes, of course, a mess of warrants
You want some? Come and get some, boys!
I'm givin' Daniel Pantaleo a refresher course on excessive force and pressure points,
And dressin' George Zimmerman in a fluorescent orange dress and four inch heels to address the court
With a bullseye on his back
His whole chest, and torso are left on the doorsteps of Trayvon's dad as a present for him!
In my present form I'm Desert Storm
Appetite for destruction, there's no suppressant for
Aggressive, forceful, and less remorseful in every morsel
Unpleasant, horrible; hello, gorgeous!
The rebel with devil horns just fell off the yellow short bus
Met a contortionist said, "When you wanna get sexual?"
She said, "However I fit in your schedule. I'm flexible."
Expired tags on the Saturn...
Got Catherine Bach in the back in Daisy Dukes with the hazards on at a traffic stop gettin' harassed, signed an autograph for this asshole cop's daughter
Laughed 'cause I called her a brat on it, he spat on it, and brought it back lookin' half in shock
Had a heart attack, and dropped dead
Started fallin' back with it, and got slapped with a Colin Kaepernick practice sock
One ball and half a dick: Apple Watch
Cracked front axle, walked in a Bass Pro Shop with David Hasselhoff
Pulled Tabasco sauce out of my satchel
Knocked over a fisherman's tackle box and asked if they had a laugh in stock?
That was fuckin' stupid...
You got it twisted, all 'cause I offered this bitch a doggie biscuit, you call me misogynistic?
Bitch, get to massagin' this dick!
Like spas in this bitch, slob on it with gobs of lipstick
Got a shoppin' list for you to run some odds and ends with
There's not a bitch on this earth I can be monogamous with
She's non-existent
Robin Thicke with a throbbin' dick on some suave and slick shit, but I shout derivatives at bitches like fuckin' missile launchers
Misfit, blond, and nitwit
Like I've gone ballistic, with a frostin' tip kit
Screamed, "I hate blondes!" and became one...
I'm optimistic
Love to start shit
Shovin' Clark Kent's undergarments in the glove compartment of the bucket, bumpin' Bubba Sparxxx
I'm double parkin' up at Targets, trouble causer, a double crosser,
Shadiest mothafucka you'll ever come across
Olympic gymnast, been known for "some assaults"
A couple lawsuits, enough to cause a stomach ulcer
Same damn brain scan results as Rainman's'es
Something's aweful when Dustin Hoffman's dressin' up in your mummy costume
On stage dancin' to "Brain Damage,"
What's the problem? Nothing's wrong, the name brand is back to reclaim status
Run the faucet, I'mma dunk a bunch of Trump supporters underwater
Snuck up on 'em in Ray-Bans in a gray van with a spray tan
It's a wrap, like an ACE bandage
Don't-give-a-fuck persona, to my last DNA strand
E&J in the waistband, at the VMAs with the stagehand
She wants kielbasa
Pre-arrange an escape plan
Three-inch blade on point, like a See-and-Say
Consider me a dangerous man, but you should be afraid of this dang candidate
You say Trump don't kiss ass like a puppet 'cause he runs his campaign with his own cash for the fundin'
And that's what you wanted, a fuckin' loose cannon who's blunt with his hand on the button who doesn't have to answer to no one?
โGreat idea!
If I was president "gettin' off" is the first order of business
Once I get in office
Second thing that'll make me happy's walkin' up to Uncle Sam naked, laughin', dick cupped in hand, screamin', "Fuck safe sex!"
Throw a latex and an AIDS test at him!
Tell Congress I run this land, and I want the rubber banned, and make it snappy
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Addiction to friction and static
Addict who can't escape the habit
Continue to chase the dragon, but as fate would have it,
I walked up in Major Magics dressed as the maintenance man in a laser tag vest and a racin' jacket with a gauge to blast it, and sped away in the station wagon
Stacey Dash's and Casey Anthony's crazy asses in the backseat throwin' Stayfree pads at me
Dead passenger in the passenger seat
Unfasten the safety latches, and slam on the brakes in traffic so hard I snapped the relocation brackets for the monster tires
'Finna get a murder case and catch it like you threw it at me encased in plastic
And send Dylann Roof through the windshield of the Benz
Until he spins like a pinwheel and begins feelin'
Like a windmiller with a thin build while his skin's peelin',
And skids 'til he hits a cement pillar
Swing for the fence like Prince Fielder, knock it into the upper peninsula
You wanna go against 'zilla, The Rap God?
When will I quit? Never been realer
The in-stiller of fear, not even a scintilla of doubt whose pens iller than Prince in a chinchilla or Ben Stiller in a suspense thriller
Revenge killer, avenge syllable binge
Fill a syringe, 'til I...
Draw first blood
Even pop shit on my pop shit, and it's popular
Couldn't be more awkwarder cause you're innocence I robbed you of
It's my fingers that got stuck up
Taught ya ta, not give a slapstick hockey puck
The broad hunter with the sawed off like an arm when it's lopped off of ya, but I'm not gonna get the shotgun or the Glock I'm gonna opt for the ox 'cause I'm into objects that are sharp when I shop, and it's not a shock, I'm such an obnoxious fucker...
The Rock Hudson of rock 'cause who would have thought this much of a cocksucker to go across the buttocks of Vivica Fox with a box cutter?
That was for 50
Little slap on the wrist, be warned
I'm unravelin' quickly
My squabbles, I'm grappling with your time traveling with me
Try and follow, as I wobble, relapse into history, with a flask of the whiskey
Tip it back then I'm twisting wine bottles like what happened to Chris Reeve's spine column
That's the plan of attack when I'm fixing my problems
Wish my chest wasn't having to get these rhymes off 'em
But the fact that I have so many rappers against me mind boggles
And why I haven't come back on these faggots who diss me is more of a spectacular mystery than a fucking Agatha Christie crime novel!
But my patience is wearing thin
Swear I been contemplatin' rubbing shit in your face 'til I smear it in
Diss you in every lyric until you fear the pen and never appear again if you actually had fuckin' careers to end
But then I think of Molly Qerim and I steer 'em in that direction and forget my ideas for them...
Molly, I'm gone off you
Man, light some kush
You're my first take, I'll nail you
Can't lie, I gush
If I won you over, you would be the grand prize
I'm entranced by your looks, come and give the Shady franchise a push
You can get it in the can like some Anheuser Busch
Jeans too small, least three pant sizes
Tush mushed against your damn side, your puss
And thighs are squished
What kind of attire's that?
I'm ready to be rode
Psychopath, bet you we'll get it poppin' like a flat
Light the match to ignite the wrath
Got knives to slash and slice hermaphrodites in half
Piper Chapman might just have to picket me like a scab
Hard to describe in fact
Startling, violent, perhaps are things that come to mind as soon as I start spitting rhymes like that
And you aren't really surprised at that, but as far as these lines I rap,
And these bars, wouldn't dial it back if I star 69'ed the track
Why am I such a dick?
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