Encore
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Thanks! As most of y'all know, my pet peeve in life is I can't
Stand stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say, "
I'm stupid." That way you wouldn't rely on them, you wouldn't ask
Them anything. And I'll give you a great example. Last year, I went
Deer hunting. I got me a nice one, and I had it mounted up on the
Wall. My neighbor comes over and goes, "Did you kill that thing?
" "Nope, he ran through the wall and got stuck." Here's your sign
One day, I cut my finger really bad, and I went to the
Emergency room. I was bleeding like crazy, and, uh
The nurse goes, "You cut yourself?" "Nope, I'm here to
Donate blood. I just hate needles." Here's your sign
I was in Sears shopping, 'cause I got that kind of money
And I had a couple pair of pants I was gonna buy, and I
Set them up on the counter, and the girl goes, "You gonna
Buy these?" "Nope, gonna steal them. Just wanted you to
See them before I ran out the door." Here's your sign
Last year, we bought a new car. Driving it off the lot, I'm
Sitting at the light, there's stickers still in the window
Guy rolls down the window and goes, "Did you get a new car?"
I said, "Nope, new tires. Car came with it." Here's your sign
I had to take my wife's dog to the vet, 'cause he's allergic to
Grass. I know. It's like a bird being allergic to air. Just kill
It, all right? But I'm standing in line behind this old lady
Who's got one of those rat dogs. It's not even a dog, it's a
Mouse with a leash on it. And I hear the vet tell this woman
"Give this dog one pill twice a day." The woman looked the vet
Right in the eye and said, "How do I give him the same pill twice
A day?" I said, "You cram it down his throat, run to the other
End, and wait. It's like an Easter egg hunt." Here's your sign
The best one, though, my wife and I were over in Hawaii, and we're
Lying there on the beach. It's just beautiful, and this girl walks
By with a coconut bra on. Literally, they just take a coconut, cut
It in half, put strings on it, and they wear it, and it looked fine
To me. But my wife made me laugh, 'cause the girl walked right in
Front of us, and my wife goes, "Oh, my God." She goes, "Do you think
Those are real?" And I said, "Well, the way they're jiggling
Probably." And she goes, "The coconuts!" I said, "Here's my sign."
Hey, God bless, y'all. I had a good
Time with you. Thank you very much