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Making Things Up Again
Josh Gad
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ELDER CUNNINGHAM:
And lo, the Lord said unto the Nephites:
\"I know you\'re really depressed, what with all your... AIDS,
and everything... but there is an answer in Christ.\"
You see? This book CAN help us!
ELDER CUNNINGHAM:
I just told a lie.
No, wait, I didn\'t LIE...
I just used my imagination...
And it worked!
CUNNINGHAM\'S FATHER:
You\'re making things up again, Arnold
ELDER CUNNINGHAM:
But it worked, dad!
CUNNINGHAM\\\'S FATHER:
You\'re stretching the truth again,
And you know it-
JOSEPH SMITH:
Don\'t be a Fibbing Fran, Arnold.
ELDER CUNNINGHAM:
Joseph Smith...?
SMITH AND FATHER:
Because a lie is a lie.
ELDER CUNNINGHAM:
It\'s not a lie!
MORONI, MORMON, SMITH, and FATHER:
You\'re making things up again, Arnold!
ELDER CUNNINGHAM:
Oh, conscience!
MORONI, MORMON, SMITH, and FATHER:
You\'re taking the holy word
And adding fiction!
Be careful how you proceed, Arnold.
When you fib, there\'s a price.
Ahh, this it bullshit!
The story I\'VE been told is that the way to cure AIDS is by sleeping with a virgin!
I\'m gonna go and rape a baby!
ELDER CUNNINGHAM:
What?! Oh my-NO! You can\'t do that!!! NO!
Why not?!
ELDER CUNNINGHAM:
Because that is DEFINITELY against God\'s will!
Says who?!
Where in that book of yours does it say ANYTHING about sleeping with a baby, huh?!
Nowhere.
ELDER CUNNINGHAM:
Uh, behold! The Lord said to the Mormon prophet Joseph Smith:
\"You SHALL NOT have sex with that infant!\"
LO! Joseph said: \"Why not, Lord? Huh? Why not?\"
And the Lord said \"If you lay with an infant, you shall...
Burn in the fiery pits of Mordar!!!\"
...really?
ELDER CUNNINGHAM:
Uh-uh... Uh-uh! \"A baby cannot cure your illness, Joseph Smith.
I shall give unto you... a FROG! And thus,
Joesph laid with the frog, and his AIDS was no more!
Ohhhhh!
MORONI, MORMON, SMITH, and DAD:
You\'re making things up again, Arnold.
You\'re recklessly warping
The words of Jesus!
You can\'t say what you want, Arnold!
ELDER CUNNINGHAM:
Come on, Hobbits!
You\'re digging yourself a deep hole!
ELDER CUNNINGHAM:
I\'m making things up again... kind of.
But this time, it\'s helping
A dozen people!
It\'s nothing so bad, because this time,
I\'m not committing a sin,
Just by making things up again, right?!
NO!
Elder Cunningham, you have to stop him!
ELDER CUNNINGHAM:
What? What is it?
Gotswana is going to cut off his daughter\'s clitoris!
ELDER CUNNINGHAM:
Huh?!
This is all very interesting,
But women have to be circumcised if that\'s what the General wants!
ELDER CUNNINGHAM:
No, no, doing that to a lady is definitely against God\'s will!
How do you know?! Christ never said NOTHIN\' \'bout no clitoris!
ELDER CUNNINGHAM:
...YES! YES HE DID!
In ancient New York, three men were about to cut off a Mormon woman\'s... clitoris.
But... right before they did, Jesus had... BOBA FETT turn \'em into FROGS!
Frogs?
You mean like the frogs that got fucked by Joseph Smith?!
ELDER CUNNINGHAM:
Right! Right! Like THOSE frogs!
For a clitoris is holy amongst ALL things, said he!
MORONI, MORMON, SMITH, DAD, and HOBBITS:
You\'re making things up again, Arnold.
We\'re learning the truth!
You\'re taking the holy word
And adding fiction!
The truth about God!
Be careful how you proceed, Arnold.
When you fib, there\'s a price!
We\'re going to paradise!
ELDER CUNNINGHAM:
Who would have thought
I had this magic touch?
Who\'d\'ve believe I could
Man up this much?
I\'m talking, their listening,
My stories are glistening
I\'m gonna save them all
With this stuff!
Ooooh- La
You\'re making things up again, Arnold!
Elder Cunningham!
You\'re making things up again, Arnold!
Holy prophet man!
You\'re making things up again, Arnold!
Our savior!
ELDER CUNNINGHAM:
You\'re making things up again...
Hmmm, up again making things you are-
ELDER CUNNINGHAM:
...I know...
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