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Excalibur (2004 Remaster)
Bad News
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Lyrics
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No, it's the introduction
You can't take a joke, it's just a little bit of fun
It's the introduction to Excalibur, that's what it is
Oh, I think it's very funny
Well, I thought it was funny
I don't think you can be very funny about metal
Well, I think you can every time you pick
Up a ruddy guitar, you frightful thing
God, I fucking hate you
Look, it's taken us three days to tune
Up, can we just settle on something?
We don't have to row all the time
I've got to think of the lyrics yet
You've got lyrics for Excalibur
How do the lyrics for Excalibur go then?
They go "Excalibur, my nightmare"
Well then sing that
But that's, this is the introduction to Excalibur
Well then get through the introduction and get to the main part
That's what I'm trying to do but you keep talking all over it
I said three, four
You're meant to make noises
He said three, four, that's right, I'm right
You're meant to make noises of wolves and, and bells and all that
You're meant to make all the noises
Oh, I see, alright, alright
Right, what are you gonna be, a wolf or a bell?
I'll be both, I don't know
Right
Are you the wolf or the bell, Paul?
Take it away, three, four
I'm the bell
Take it away, Den, three, four
I'm waiting for them to stop wanking
Can the bell and the fucking wolf just shut up for a minute?
Take it away
Three, four
Yes, you're the wolf
I'm the wolf
You're the wolf, yeah
I'm the bell
What's the bell like, Colin?
Clang
Is that funny, is it?
I think that's the funniest thing I've ever heard
It's fucking hilarious
Go on then, clang again
Well it's not a bell, is it? Bells don't
Go clang, that's just a word people invent
Oh, oh, how odd, I thought that bells did go clang
Of course, bells go vroom vroom, don't they?
Or perhaps they go moo
In my book, bells go clang, now leave me alone
There she go, dong
No, that's cow poo
It's not fucking cow poo
It is, dong is cow poo
Bells go clang, alright then I'll go ting
Ting-a-ling, tinkle, tinkle, that'll do, won't it?
Well just think of a, of a groovy sound effect
Can't you get into it, Colin?
Have you got a problem getting into stuff?
Can you, can you, can you do an owl then?
Yes
Go on then
Day seventeen, things aren't going quite as well as we hoped
That's good, that'll do
That's alright, yeah
Right, so you let, you let the music go for a few bars
Yes
And then you bring them in all subtly
Well I think we need more effects than just a bloody wolf and an owl
Oh look, we'll just, let's start
Yeah but we, we've taken three days just to get them
Let's just start
But a wolf and an owl isn't very heavy, is it?
Oh shut up, Alan, shut up
Be constructive, we're supposed to be a
Pop group, not a ruddy collection of turds
Right, that's it, I'm going
Right, that is it, I'm unplugging
No, don't unplug, Den
Colin, Colin
That's it, I'm sorry, I'm not in a pop group
This is all
That is it, I'm sorry
Well what are you in then?
That's it
We're just about to start recording
I'm in a heavy metal band
I'm sorry, I said the wrong words
Well why don't you just fuck off then?
Okay, everything's lovely
And a one and a two and a three and a four
One, two, three, four
Dong
I don't wanna do this, I'm unplugging again '
Cause Colin just wants to fuck it up
Don't unplug, don't unplug, Den
This is meant to be our big statement
And you're just saying dong all over it
It's lyrical at the beginning, right?
I know, I know, but you've obviously got
To have some cows and sheep and things
There aren't any sheep in Mongolia
It's all horses and
That's a good name for a band
And eagles and vultures and, and birds of
Prey and, and antelopes and stags and lions
Well we'll do those noises then
And that, that, that beast that's on the Lager of Lamott commercials
Oh yes, I know
Right
Saber-toothed horse
Two, three, four
Stop, stop, stop
Moo
Flap, flap, flap, flap, flap
That's a bat
Flap, flap
What? Why has everyone stopped?
'Cause you're shit
'Cause everything about you is shit
What sort of animal is that?
Your brain is shit
What sort of animal is that?
Your body is shit
Which one? I did four
Well you shouldn't do all four at once
I started with a wolf, then I went to an owl, and then I
Did a cow along the way and then we finished with some bats
I told you there aren't any fucking cows in Mongolia
No you didn't, you said sheep
I wasn't to know that
There aren't any domestic animals in fucking Mongolia
Brian, Brian, have you got a map or anything
Or like a sort of geography book to find out?
No but is the, wait a minute, wait a minute
Is the definition of a cow a domestic animal or is it a farm animal?
A domestic animal is a cat or a dog
And how many fucking wild cows have you seen recently?
And how many cows have you seen sitting next
To the fire nestling over slippers, Alan?
Not a lot
Probably about none I think is probably the amount you've seen
Right, well let's, I told
Oh, go and fetch the paper from the newsagent, daisy
I've got a very good compromise
I think you should make it a calf, not a cow
'Cause then you could kill it, like killing a
That'd be good, yeah, we could kill it
No, it should be a fucking bison
Why don't we just, no, why don't we just kill Colin?
It should be a fucking bison if it's gonna be any sort of
Let's just sacrifice Colin
Fucking bovine whatever they call the cows
And what noise does a bison make? And I'll make it
Let's call it Excalibuveal
Excalibuveal, I can't say that
Look, a domestic animal, the definition
Of, is one that's sort of tamed
I'm bored
Not just ones that are in your fucking house
I am bored
I think you should be field
Well you should get a wig then
Only do fucking wild animals
Veal, the album
Veal isn't fucking wild
I think it's awfully funny, don't you?
I fucking don't
Listen to him
Right, okay
One, two, three, four
Den?
I'm just waiting for Spider and Colin to stop fucking around
I can't fucking start him off 'til you stop fucking about
So do all your fucking about now
We've stopped, we've stopped, we've stopped
Do all your fucking about now, right? Do it now
Fucking about, fucking about
Fucking about, fucking about
Just tell me when you stop fucking about, okay?
Okay, I've finished fucking about
Have you? Has Colin stopped fucking about?
No, it's my turn now
Fucking about, fucking about
Is that how you do it?
Fucking about, fucking about
Fucking about, fucking about
I thought you said you'd finished fucking about, Spider
Oh he was, no, wait
He was just showing me how to do it
Watch
Fucking about, fucking about
Fucking about, fucking about
We're all so fucking about, you don't fucking care
Fucking about
Okay, we feel fine now
Alright, good
Let's go, one, two, three, four
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