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Serving Size
Brian Regan
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Oh, so my doctor he told me to watch what I'm eating
Told me to read food labels
I'm in a store reading the Fig Newton's label
I've always liked Fig Newtons
I'm trying to see if it's okay to eat them and everything looked fine
The fat content, everything
I looked at the serving size, two cookies
Who the hell eats two cookies?
I ate Fig Newtons by the sleeve
Two sleeves is a serving size
I opened 'em both and eat 'em like a tree chipper
Fig Newton's shavings coming off the side
Then I put a Newton catch and empty that bag out as a snack
What the hell they talking about two Fig Newtons?
Well, the size of a poacher stamp
"You want another one?" "Oh, I don't know
I've already had two whole entire Fig Newtons
Maybe I could try to muscle one more down
But I don't think I'm gonna-
Mm, I'm stuffed to the wrappers"
They're nuts, "We got an ER here, we got a three Fig Newton eater"
How many did he have?
What is he nut?
Doesn't he read?
Who's coming up with serving sizes?
A serving size of ice cream is a half a cup
What is that? What?
Is that like a joke some guy put on there?
"Hey, come here! Look what I put for the serving size!
Did you see? I just did it as a joke but they're going out like that
I don't know what to do"
Just let it go I guess, there's nothing you can do now
You ever know anybody to eat a half a cup of ice cream?
"Hey, you want to go grab something to eat?"
"Oh, no, I had a half a cup of ice cream
Yeah, a whole half a cup
I just kept eating, and eating, and eating
I must have had two spoonfuls"
I think a serving size of ice cream
Is when you hear the spoon hit the bottom of the container
"Clank" and you can't do this anymore
"I even ripped the side"
Not sure what they're talking about for the half a cup of ice cream
I have to lay off dairy though, that's what my doctor threw in
As I was leaving his office, "Oh, and uh, lay off dairy"
Like what the hell? What kind of blanket sweep is that?
"And no more happiness"
"Away with you!"
What does he care?
I'm trying to lay off dairy
I'm in the supermarket with my little cart
And I'm trying to avoid the dairy aisle
I can see they all have party hats on over there
I'm in the juice aisle, slooped over with juice people, ugh!
I learned something in the juice aisle and that is
I don't know what's going on with cranberries
But they're getting in all the other juices
Whoever the salesman is for cranberries does a great job
He's showing up everywhere
"Hey, what do you got? Apples? Put some cranberries in them
We call it Cran-Apple, go 50-50"
"What you got? Grapes? How about Cran-Grappes?"
"What you got? Mangoes? Cran-Mangoes"
"What you got? Pork Chops? Cran-chops"
Hey, why don't you back off Cran-Man?
Why don't you take your sales trophy and have a vacation?
He's working too hard
He's making the other fruit guys feel bad, you know?
Like the banana guy wakes up
"Man I ain't into nothin'"
"Cram man's all coupled up"
You've got to get cracking, banana man
Gotta get on the stack