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The Morning After The Night Before
Shelley Berman
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Has this ever happened to any of you
Or will it happen to any of you
On the morning after the night before?
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Oh God, God
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Oh God, God, God, God, God
Oh God, God
My tongue is asleep
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And my teeth itch
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Where, where is my Alka-Seltzer?
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Oh my God, don't fizz
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Don't be mean, Alka-Seltzer
Dissolve
Oh the hell with it, I'll drink the pieces
Oh God
Hail Moscow
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Oh God
Oh come on God, will you?
Oh, oh hello there, uh, uh, uh, David boy?
How you doing there, Dave?
Uh, Dave I wonder, uh, you think you could whisper, Dave?
Uh, uh, uh, listen, it's me
It's me
It's me, it's your old buddy
It's, it's, uh, uh
Just a minute Dave, don't press me
It's, uh
Dave if you're nagging me I'll never get it
It, uh, isn't that ridiculous?
I just got a letter this morning
Do I sound familiar at all, uh?
You want to take a stab at a name, Ken?
I don't know what letter it begins with
It's silly, I mean I know my own name
I know it as well as I know my
Oh God
Hang on a second will you Dave
I mean I know the name, really
It's, uh, Sam, Dave, that's what it is
Oh Sam
How many Sams you know?
Oh God
It, uh
Sammy Spiro, Dave, that's who it is
Old Sammy Spiro
Well let's not quibble about pronunciation, Dave
What is it, Spiro?
Alright, Spiro, we'll settle for that
How you doing there fella, how you doing Ken?
Oh that's good, I'm glad to hear that
Not so hot, Dave
I'm a little under the weather from last night's party
I have this, I have this little headache in my left eye
That's, um
That's what I called you up to thank you for
That wonderful party you threw last night
Of course we brought our own liquor
But you provided the electricity
And you should be thanked for that
Uh, tell me Dave
Uh, did I have a good time?
No I don't know, Dave
About a certain point in the evening
Everything's a complete blank
A few minutes after I arrived
What did I do?
What?
Oh no
Oh God
Ooh boy
Ooh gee, I'm sorry Dave
The whole window, eh?
It just come right out, huh?
Yeah that's a picture window too, isn't it Dave?
It's a lucky thing there was nobody walking under it at the time, huh?
Oh
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Oh
Ooh boy
Got him edgewise, huh?
Oh well they'll, uh
They'll put him back together, Dave
Those medical people are
Gee Dave, I can't imagine how I managed to break a window
I don't have any cuts or bruises on my hands
How'd I break the window?
I see
Were you very fond of that cat?
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Ooh
No
Gee, those things are supposed to
Land on their feet, aren't they Dave?
Poor little fella, how'd I manage to do that?
Oh yeah, yeah, I get the picture
Oh no, no
Gee I must have been playing some sort
Of stupid game there or something
What was I doing?
I see, and I guess the window was Goliath
Well gee Dave, naturally
Naturally I'll do my best to repair your window
That's a picture window, right?
Yeah well it'll take a lot of wood
And you'll, uh
You'll probably want a new cat, huh fella?
Yeah well, you know, he's a goner
Dave, I, uh
Dave I wish you wouldn't be quite so descriptive about the cat, Dave
I'm not a well man, Dave
Yeah well first chance we get we'll bury it all
And I'm sorry
Dave, I wonder if your mind would change the
Subject to something a little more pleasant
If you don't mind, tell me
Did your wife enjoy the party?
What do you mean I ought to know?
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I did not
I did not
Oh Dave, it was a long hard party, Dave
It occurred to you I just may have gotten
Tired and stretched out for a bit?
Well I thought it was a pile of clothing, Dave
Dave you know how I feel about Myrna
Why I love your wife
Now that isn't what I meant, Dave
I mean I love your wife the same way I love you
That's not what I meant either
I hardly think it's necessary for you
To warn me to keep my hands off you too
What?
No Ken
Right off the hinges, huh?
The whole damn door
You think you can get along without it, Dave?
That's right, your bathroom is right off your kitchen
Yeah, I'm sorry about that
Dave
Dave when you come right down to it
The only real damage I caused was a
Broken window and a broken door, right?
No, don't forget the cat, Dave, thank you very much
Dave in the shape I was in it's lucky the only
Thing I threw through the window was a cat, huh?
Oh really, who?
Oh God
Gee
I hope she wasn't angry
That's swell, she always was a pretty good sport, your mother
Listen, uh, Dave
Dave, the reason I'm calling
See I'm having these business associates in town for the weekend
And I'd like to throw this little shindig on them
You know how small my place is
So I was wondering if I could use your
Place for a few hours Saturday night
Know what I mean?
A few drinks, a couple of laughs
You know how to
Dave?
Uh, Dave?
Come on boy, pull yourself together over there
Dave stop that now
I can't bear to hear a man cry
Dave don't call me that name
It's a reflection on my parents
Now Dave
Uh, Dave
Uh, uh, now Dave
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