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Best Seller
Fascinating Aïda
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🇬🇧 English · Original
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Lyrics
Original
Translation
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Let's write an old-fashioned romance
The kind they sell on railway stations
Fat paperbacks where doe-eyed maidens
Arouse the hero's nobler sensations
Let the reader get to grips
With the riding crops and curling lips
The bursting stays and the flimsy plackets
The thigh-high boots and the velvet jackets
Dame Barbara Cartland has the rest boat-glassed
For when she writes the word 'period' it refers to the past
To write a good book, an historical costume drama
Begin with a beautiful orphan whose guardian's a feckless charmer
While exploring his house she finds herself behind a secret panel
And discovers his mistress smuggling
Wellington's plans across the Channel
Then she's kidnapped and nearly ravished
By a couple of pockmarked swells
But escapes disguised as a stable boy of the Bishop of Bath and Wells
For beneath her buckskin trousers strapped to one of her shapely legs
Is a map of where Marie Antoinette buried her father she hates
Her guardian admits the passionate
Love that he previously tried to bury
So they're married in secret at midnight
And at last she loses her cherry
Let's write a tough modern romance
The kind with golden printed titles
Fat paperbacks where raunchy minnies
Grab their readers by the vitals
Oh make it raw and ritzy
A la Shirley Conrad or Erin Pizzey
Try injecting the pizazz
That Barbara Taylor Bradford has
You'll never find that your sales are flagging
If like Jackie Collins there's lots of shagging
To write a good book, a really steamy novel
Begin with a Hollywood starlet who was born and raised in a hovel
She's determined to win the lead in the remake of Rebecca
But the producer dies of a heart attack
While she's lunching on his pecker
She seduces a delivery boy who's the novel's only virgin
Then she has her buttocks tightened and marries her plastic surgeon
Her career is going nowhere; she can't afford to be choosy
She comes home to find the delivery boy and her husband in the Jacuzzi
Her house burns down, her yacht blows up
The network cans her chat show
Then she marries her trainer and strikes it rich
By bottling her own gazpacho
Let's write a nice cosy romance
The kind by Miss Joanna Trollope
Fat paperbacks of Middle England
Set in Middlesex or Middle Wallop
Where vicar's wives get moister
In the classroom or the cathedral cloister
Where women learn to be assertive
And there's lots of nobbin'
But it's always furtive
Oh and doing it with twins is a path well walked
By Mary Wesley in The Camel Mile Yoke
To write a good book, a gripping Aga Saga
Begin with a middle-aged woman whose mother is going gaga
She catches a bus to the library 'cause her books are overdue
Then she goes to the park to feed the
Ducks and think her marriage through
She picks a flower from the floral
Clock though she knows it's a venial sin
And then overcome with guilt and remorse she tries to stick it back in
Then she goes back home to make marmalade according to Delia Smith
It's a complicated recipe involving both flesh and pith
So the gardener comes into the kitchen to help her chop the rind
And it suddenly gets exciting when he rogers her from behind
Though with the likes of Dostoevsky
We'll surely never rank
Staff Bart will be laughing all the way to the bank
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, ha, ha