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Love Magic
Bill Engvall
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Well I tell you what, I have joked about my wife during the show
But I will be honest with you, I do love that woman to death
God knows that. We've been married 13 years, we got love magic and
If you're married I hope you have that too. I really do. Yeah
Isn't that wonderful? Love magic is no matter what your spouse is
Doing, whatever your spouse is doing you're still in awe of them
And there's, you know, once you lose that it's gone. I mean there's
Times with my wife and I, there's like, well... Like when she's
Mowing the yard, I tear up. I love you baby. But you missed a little
Spot right there, didn't you? You're gonna do the hedges, right?
One reason my wife and I have stayed together for 13 years, we don't
Play board games together, we learned that. We tried playing that
Game Pictionary one night, oh, we had lawyers on the phone. And since
My wife's on my team, I hate her. 'Cause I can't never draw fast
Enough for her. I'm trying to draw and she's like, "Come on Bill
Draw, draw, draw, draw, draw, draw, draw, draw, draw, draw, draw
Bill, what the hell is that? We're gonna lose, Bill. Come on, come
On, come on, let's scribble, Bill. Come on, draw, draw
What are you, autistic?" I'm like, "Shut up! I can't draw
With you screaming at me like that." "Well great, we
Are losers. Thanks for making me a loser, Bill. Let's just
Change the name on the mailbox to Mr. and Mrs. Loser."
And she has this thing called game night. That's where she invites
Other couples over to play these stupid games with us. Well my wife
Is a brilliant person, she's the smartest person I know. I am like
That fat kid in Little League. It's like, "Alright, we'll take her
Husband." "Alright, thanks fellas." So invariably what happens is
These couples come over to the house and one guy will go, "Alright
We're gonna go guys against girls, guys against girls." I'm like
"Fellas, no. Let's go in the backyard and drink beer. You don't
Know what you're getting into here." "Oh come on Bill, we can beat
The women. Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo." I'm like, "Alright
We're playing Pictionary, guys against girls." Now if y'all have
Done this you know there's a lot at stake. Lot of hollering going
On that you're gonna pay for on the drive home. It lays me one
Drawing to win this game. My wife's guessing. Y'all, her partner drew
A straight line and my wife went, "Hydroponic farm?" They're like
"Right!" And all the fellas are like, "What the hell?" I said, "Hey
We could've been drinking beer, but no. Meet Mrs. Milton Bradley."
She's so smart she can do a crossword puzzle like in five minutes
So she knows all these words I never even heard of before. We tried
Playing Scrabble one night, oh what a joke. She's putting down words
Like crepuscular. I'm like, "That ain't even a word." She goes, "
Look it up, 500 points." I'm putting down words
Like "et." She goes, "What is 'et'?" I go, "
He et his biscuit. Past tense I believe, sweetie."
She became a coupon clipper. Oh, I will pay whatever the groceries
Cost. Please don't make me mess with those coupons. Sunday morning
You don't even mess with her. She sits in the middle of the living
Room and that newspaper's spread everywhere. And those little
Scissors are just flying. She is Evelyn Scissorhands now. And she's
Screaming stuff like, "Creamed corn! Artificial cards and umbrellas!
" We get to the grocery stores, we got this mound of groceries. We get
In the checkout aisle, she whips out this War and Peace book of
Coupons and I can hear the guy in line behind us going, "Ah ha ha!
I just wanna get these grapes. They're gonna be raisins by the time
That chick's done." Then we walk out of the store and she goes, "See
I saved us $1.67." Well book the cruise. I can find that in the couch
. She cuts out that coupon, if you mail it in to the manufacturer
They'll send you a check for a dollar. Then she gives me
The check and goes, "Would you put that in the bank?"
I'm like, "No. I'm not taking a one dollar check to our bank
" He going through, "Whoa, you're doing well Mr. Engvall
We're gonna need two signatures on a check that size."
Sex changes when you get married. I think sex gets better the longer
You're married, I really do. Anybody here laughed with your partner
During sex? You bet you have, man. One night we had a little
Interlude and our bodies got sweaty right there on our stomachs and
Made one of those little... You know that noise you used to make
With your armpit that... I laughed my butt off. But if I'd have been
Single I'd have been mortified as hell, man. 'Cause you know that
Other person's thinking, "Did he just fart? Please get off me." And
You can talk to each other during sex. You can tell each other what
You like, what you don't like, and that's very cool. We had that
Little interlude, it was hot. I mean just hot, hot, hot, hot, hot
Cat wouldn't even come in the room. My wife's arching her back and
Moaning, I'm like, "Yes ma'am. You are welcome. I'm really turning
You on, huh?" She goes, "No, you're on my hair, get off!" Boy you
Never see that one in the movies, do you ladies? That's why I hate
Love scenes in movies, they don't portray it as being real. If
They're gonna make love in the movies they are necking in about a
Second, aren't they? Their hair don't ever move. They got the perfect
Music that lasts the whole duration. Well you know what? I could be
Great if I had an orchestra following me all around the house. It's
Like, "Come on fellas, we're heading to the shed." It's not like us
Real people when you're having sex and your hair's matted to
Your head, your mascara's smeared back to your ear. Hell
You still got your underwear hanging on one ankle, don't you?
This that hot monkey love, baby. My favorite love scene in the
Movies is what I call the angry passionate scene. If you saw
The movie Sea of Love you saw angry passion. Ooh, when that
Fella grabbed that woman's panties and just like ripped them
Off her. Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm. Well that don't happenI've tried it
The only way they'll rip if there's a hole already in 'em
And if there's no hole all you're doing
Is just jerking on their underwear
And the women are like "What are you doing?"
"Being sexy"
"Well thanks for the wedgie Romeo
You wanna call 911 now? You popped my hip out of joint"
Or like when they're rolling around the bed
Sheets are flying, pillows flying
They roll off the bed, boom, hit the floor
Don't even miss a beat
Well I am sorry
But if you roll off the bed onto your partner what do you hear?
"Get off me! I swear to God you broke my back"
And we're just like "Sorry, can you go some more?"
But if you can get past the uptightness of sex
Sex is really very funny and I'll give you a great example
Two years ago on my wife's birthday I had it planned to the T man
I had a bottle of champagne chilled by the bed
Candles on the headboard, some soft music playing
And we just got into it, just that hot pig sex
You know what I'm talking about
After a couple beers you're just
You're not even talking you're just rooting around aren't you?
But we forgot about the candles
And apparently that headboard was doing some moving
'Cause I'm lying on my back and all of a sudden hot wax just goes
And my wife's like "Yes sir, you are welcome"
Thanks a lot y'all, take care tonight, rock and roll
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