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The Word Retard
Christopher Titus
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Now, some of you may know what the inner retard is
Let me tell you what it is
The inner retard is that little voice in your head that hates your guts
See, it's there all the time everyone has one
Every woman in here has one
I met the best guy ever He's the one, he's the one I'm gonna marry!"
You know he's sleeping with your sister, right?"
If I was you, I would start checking his texts
Go laugh, guys, you got it too, Some of you got it tonight
Some of you got out of the shower today
I'm looking good, I'm gonna get some women tonight
Yeah, get ready for a whole lot of "Nope
If I was you, I'd plan a CVS lotion run"
Now before we go any further, I want to talk about the word "retard"
'Cause a lot of people get pissed, especially here in California
"Oh my God, you can't say 'retard'! No, you can't say 'retard'!"
In my life, whenever I've used the word "retard," never once
Have I thought of someone with MS or CP or Down's or autism
Or has got legs growing out the back of their shoulders '
Cause one of their chromosomes forgot to tell a DNA strand it
Was going on vacation
That is just disabled and as a matter of fact
If I ever saw someone calling someone like that "Retarded,"
They would have to deal with me physically, That's right
But every man in this room has a buddy who, after his fifth Beer
Will hang out a car window
Hey cops! You wanna fight, you bunch of queers?!
That guy's a retard, Sorry
Every woman in here has a girlfriend who at one point showed up at
Your house, "Oh my God, we got in a fight and he pushed me"
He pushed you? You're never gonna see him again"
I'm never gonna see him again!
Two weeks later, not only is she seeing that dude
Again, she's moved in and agreed to marry him
Retard, Rihanna-tard
And let's define the word "retard," What does it mean?
It means you were born a certain way
You were born a certain level but
You didn't live up to that
You were behind where you should've been
You were retarded, Right? But let's talk about this
That guy in the Olympics with the blades for legs, let me ask you something
Any of you guys make the Olympics? I see people Paraplegics
Going to law school, getting these law degrees
Taking down these billion-dollar companies in civil suits
I'm sorry kids with Down's have accessed a level of love that we can't even imagine
I'm sorry, that's not retarded, that's advanced
But if you have everything working perfectly
You have all your facilities about you, but you end up addicted to crystal Meth
And living under a bridge, you're fucking retarded
I have a friend of mine, I got a buddy of mine got cerebral Palsy
Guy named Michael LaRonin, very funny comedian, man
But he's knurled up, man
He's like this, and his brain is fine
But he's like this, and let me tell you something about hanging out with disabled people
They use that shit against us
When Mike walks on stage, it takes him forever
This is how he gets on stage
See how creeped out you already are right Now?
He gets to the microphone, this is how he starts his show
"I just want everyone to know that this happened since I got here
Don't eat the nachos, Very funny, Very smart, too
So one day we did our show, we're back east, we did shows on Saturday night
Sunday morning we go to breakfast
At breakfast he brings his buddy Tony, I got my buddy Tommy with me
Waitress comes over, asks Tony what he wants
Tells her, asks me, I tell her, asks Tommy, tells her
The waitress turns to Mike, looks back at me, and goes
"What will he have?" And I look at Mike
Cause I know something's gonna break off
And I look at him, I see Satan flash across his face
And my first thought was "You don't deserve better parking 'cause you're an evil prick"
What I thought, what I thought was gonna happen
I thought Mike was gonna get indignant
"I can handle myself"
Instead Mike goes the other way, turns the level of disability up 3000%
And goes, "I would like to order boobies, yours will be fine, thank you
" He goes off. The waitress goes, " Can you turn him off?"
"No, maybe you can flip his switch"
For the next hour and a half, Mike destroyed this woman's psyche
Man, if she put a glass of water down, bam! "Uh-oh! Uh-oh, that was A tsunami!
Uh-oh! Uh-oh!" She, she must've brought us like 30 forks
"I dropped another pokey thing, I'm sorry! I need another
Pokey thing for my chicken fingers
How many fingers do a chicken have?"
Now, I'm his friend, I didn't laugh once, and it was hard
End of the Meal, she comes over with the check
She's got the check and she's Just shaking, the check's vibrating in her hand
She's probably working in a tollbooth right now
She goes, "I'm so sorry"
Mike goes, "Don't be sorry, you're my favorite waitress
I will see you tomorrow!" Yeah
So, we walk outside and I can't take it anymore, I lose It
I hit the grass, I'm like, "Dude, that's the funniest thing I've ever seen in my entire life
Mike, dead serious, That bitch deserved it
That, my friend, is a retard"
So are we clear where I stand on the word now? Good
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