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Farewell, Mother
Doug Stanhope
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๐ฌ๐ง English ยท Original
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Lyrics
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Translation
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But there is an afterlife, and I, if I can give you any hope in this
Show, I have definitive proof of an afterlife. I didn't get weird or
Go religious on you. I'm not saying there's a God. I don't know what
The afterlife entails. But here's the proof: My mother killed herself
In 2008. Don't worry, this is a fun story. It was the best death you
Could ever be part of. She was dying of emphysema at 63. Her, her
Brain was still with it, but her, she was drowning in her own fluids
She's, uh, being permanently waterboarded by 45 years of Kool Myles
She can't take it anymore. We knew it was gonna happen once she made
The call. "I can't do it." I'm like, "Alright, Ma, uh, we'll do what
We can." I, like, "Alright, Ma's gonna kill herself." I, I don't know
What to do. Like, that's, okay, we know it's gonna happen, but what
When you say we're gonna do it, I'm not gonna go buy you a fucking
Shotgun. Like, "Oh, have fun, Ma." Like, so I, I, I don't know what
To do. I don't kill people. Like, I, it's just, it's not something
Like, I fantasize about it. If my mother were Nancy Grace, I'd have
Been all over it. Like, I have plans. But my mother was a great
Person, so I'm like, "How do we do this right?" So I called my lawyer
. I have three lawyers. We have, like, we're jewed up big with lawyers
In LA for this shit. All the camera people and recording contracts
Then I have my local Bisbee attorney that helps me with, like, I got
Married when I was 20, and I had 24 years of marital bliss till I
Remembered, "Oh, fuck, I never divorced that girl I drunkenly married
In Vegas." That's for another DVD. So he, but then we have our third
Lawyer, who's a comedy fan. He's our, like, wink-wink, nudge-nudge
Saul Goodman from Breaking Bad attorney, that he handles all the
Creepy shit. Like when me and Andy are up late at night doing blow
And thinking of cra- call Kirschner, see how much jail time we could
Could we go to prison if we actually did this? He's that guy. So I
Called him, knowing he'd hook me up with a, a doctor on the down-
Low, as we say in the Black community, as a Black person. He gave me
The number to a, a doctor, and I go, "Hey, my mother's gonna cash out
And I don't know what to do." He said, "What do you have?" I go, "
I got Xanax out the ass." On the border, you can get all the fucking
Xanax you want. Uh, he's like, "That's no good. That's anti-anxiety
Does she have hospice care?" "Yeah, she does." "Then she should have
Morphine." "Ma, you got morphine?" "Yeah, I got morphine." "Alright
She's got morphine." We worked out the dosages and the milligrams
And he goes, "If she has 30 of those, that's enough to kill any human
Being on the planet." She had fucking 90. I'm like, "Okay, we're
Good. Okay." We never talked, remember that. "Okay, Doc." So I'm
Like, "Alright, we're gonna do this. First of all, bring her to my
House," 'cause she lived in 300 square feet of hoarder paradise, old
Electric bills with spider webs all crammed. Like, it's depressing
Enough if you're gonna help your mother kill herself, but we're gonna
Go to my house. We'll tidy up. We'll, so we set her up with a, uh
A hospital bed in the living room. She had been, uh, AA off and on
For my whole life. She had, at this point, been four years sober
And I'm like, "You're not gonna kill yourself sober, right? You can't
Take those chips with you." She's like, "Yeah, you're right. Why
Would I do that? That's dumb." So she, in her heyday, she was a Black
Russian drinker, so I set out a mini bottle of Ketel One and a mini
Bottle of Kahlua with her pills for, "Whenever you're ready, let me
Know." We laid down ground rules. Uh, I said, "Ma, if you're gonna
Kill yourself seriously, uh, you can't do it on Sunday or Monday, '
Cause that's football." And that's, that's a dick move. If you can
Call your own time to leave this planet, don't do it during someone
Else's planned event. Don't be an asshole. And she did it the
Saturday before football. That was great. She came in on Thursday
Saturday night, she goes, "It's time." And I'm like, "Time for what?
Like, medication?" "No, it's time." I'm like, "Oh, fuck, this is
Real." So I wake up Bingo, like, it's going on. We start mixing up
White Russians. She decided to make Black Russians White Russians '
Cause she thought the milk would coat her belly better for taking all
The pills. Like, mother till the end. "Do you have whole milk?" "
I got skim. Skim'll work. I just don't want to throw up the pills."
Chicken soup for the suicide. You're so fucking, you're so sweet
So, so we're whipping up drinks, and I don't, I didn't so much assist
The suicide as barback it. Like, I'm in there mixing drinks, 'cause
We're all drinking. We watched Bad Santa together, her favorite movie
Together. She had a very dark sense of humor. My, I didn't come from
Nowhere. My mother used to review porn on The Man Show. She was
Fucking dark like us. So, we watched Bad Santa, and she's trying to
Choke down these pills. She had a very hard time taking pills, so
She's just, you know, gagging and just getting them down, so I'm
Keeping a vague count. Once she got around 30, a little over, I'm
Like, "Ma, that's good. You don't need to do any more. You're fine."
And she said, "I don't want to take any chances." She was so scared
Of fucking up. She took all 90. No, we're sitting there in horror
Going, "You're wasting, Ma. They said 30 of those would kill any
Human being alive. You could leave 60 of them for me and Bingo as our
Only inheritance, other than the last 17-year-old blind cat you have
Georgia. Yeah, you could have 60 morphines to have spontaneous
Memorials for mother every here and again. Remember Mom? Pop a
Morphine. Woo! What a great lady. What a crazy old bitch." No
Hoarder till the end. All fucking 90.And then we fucked with her
Hard. I remember her last words as she's coming in and out, '
Cause we're just goofing on her as she's doing this, as she's fading
In and out. I didn't even know if she'd respond. She was just
Hammering cocktails, she, and, and she's laying there, half in
Half out, with a White Russian on her chest that she'd occasionally
Get to her mouth and it'd spill. You know, when you come off the
Wagon, you hit it fucking hard, and it's pretty bad when you're
Trying to keep up drinking with an 83-pound, 63-year-old woman
Ah. And I go, "Wow, you're really knocking those back, Ma." And she
Goes, "There's times to be dainty and there's times to be a pig."
And we all laughed, and this is Mother's problem throughout her life
She was a funny lady sporadically, but when she would get a laugh
She would just hammer it and over-tag it and repeat the joke, like
"Just keep, I, I can keep getting a laugh off the same joke," and
It would ruin the joke. And when we all laughed at "There's times to
Be a pig," I saw her go into, "She's gonna..." And I go, "Shut your
Fucking mouth. Those are perfect last words. You're not gonna ruin
This joke. Cut the mic on Mother." And then we just roasted her as
She fell in and out. We just did a Friars Club roast, making fun of
Her and making it a fun, dark suicide. "Ma, wait, they found a cure!"
I love you, fuck you, yeah. I was a bad mother. I love you, I love
You. At one point, I remember, uh, I said, uh, "Ma, if there's a
If there's any kind of white light situation, that other side
That you get to, if you can communicate with us Houdini-style
See if there's any way that you can make the Saints cover eight
Points at Oakland tomorrow, 'cause I have money on the game."
And they did, the Saints fucking blew 'em out, October 12, 2008
The Saints won 34 to 3. I'm not saying that's proof of an afterlife
That was just 40 bucks that I won. Proof of the afterlife is this
If there were no afterlife, how could my mother have bought me
And my friends so many nice things from the SkyMall catalog on
Her credit card four days after she'd passed from this Earth?
Answer me that, your honor. Answer me that. In fact, I'd like to
Enter these credit card receipts into evidence against the advice
Of my attorney. Look at that, four days. I had to swear on your
Bible just to testify in my own defense. Your silly fake Jesus only
Lasted three days before he ran out of that cave like a pussy. My
Mother, four days, relaxing up there. She's drunk eBaying like I do
And that last piece of that story has special meaning to me, 'cause in
My entire career, that's the only chunk of material I've ever had
That had a statute of limitations before I could
Comfortably tell it on stage. Three-year statute
For credit card fraud. After that, fuck you
Mother didn't want some silly gravestone. That doesn't do anything
Mother wanted me to have a voice-activated remote control R2-D2 doll
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