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The Cinema

Jimmy Carr
Popularity ยท Low
๐Ÿ‡ฌ๐Ÿ‡ง English ยท Original

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Wow! Good evening, London. You well? Yes! Fabulous You are in very safe hands this evening I've been doing comedy now for, uh... money and sex It's going very well I live in North London now And a guy came up to me in the high street near where I live He was all excited He went... "I didn't recognise you!" I said, " Yeah, you did." I should really have explained when I walked on as well I look like this because my Dad is Irish and my Mum is Rodger Federer Speaking of looks We were watching "proper" BBC News the other day And Liz Hurley came on the news Not like that, obviously, ah But she was on the news She was promoting some new TV show, and they did this thing They would only get away with doing this on the news So, it said, "Liz Hurley, 50." And my girlfriend turned to me and went "I hope I look that good when I'm 50." I said, "You don't look that good now What do you think's gonna happen? You're gonna get to 49 and invent a time machine, are you? Best of luck." Liz Hurley's a good-looking woman You'd agree with that, wouldn't you? Yeah, I mean, I don't wanna be crude Well, I do wanna be crude, but not till later on I'll ease it in Liz Hurley's a good-looking woman Put it this way, I would ride her like a stolen bike You look as if you may require further clarification there, sir What I'm saying is, I would crawl over broken glass to suck the cock of the last man that fucked her We're all clear, we're all clear We're all caught up Ladies spend ages getting ready for a night out Not all of them obviously No, you're were probably in a hurry. Don't feel bad I was just randomly pointing down to whoever's sat there So, that's... that is nothing more than a happy coincidence Well, you're laughing, but the eyes are fucking daggers I'm in all kinds of trouble My girlfriend spends ages getting ready for a night out I'm not sure what she's getting for Disappointment is my best guess Nando's and a movie, that's our classic date night And I love the cinema Don't get me wrong. Love the cinema My only issue with the cinema, it's only a little thing, but I get annoyed by the popcorn I think the popcorn in a cinema should have a very clear warning label on it, saying, "May contain nuts." Because if you're with me, it might "I know you said you wanted salty. Wait." Because I've cut a hole in the bottom of the container And I've sort of placed it there And I've shoved my genitals through the hole And then when the lady I'm with has reached in to get popcorn Innocently enough, she's touched my genitals And that's caused me to ejaculate And it's that ejaculate that's caused the salty flavour you're so familiar with Horror films Anyone else like horror films? Yes! I like watching horror films hiding behind the sofa 'Cause that way, my neighbours don't know I'm there I like those black-and-white films where no one says anything Interracial porn Don't panic. I've checked, and that one's fine