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Catharsis
Nick Austin
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Thumb against the glass, pull down through condensation
Numb again at last, my past been my fixation
These questions I have asked become my one narration
But the answers won't outlast the next damn realization
The things that I've surpassed pass on to my formation
No food for thought its just the thought so I live through starvation
I'm not standing still or like they say 'unmotivated'
I am simply capable of movement only through sedation
Still I feel like I've been owed an explanation
For why it feels like I'm bent, knees have these perforations
For why I think through descent in every situation
And why it seems like I'm meant to live through modulation
Pull out my phone to tap the next notation
Desperate attempts to find conviction through a new creation
I feed one way or another what would give me some validation
cause I can't do that myself without the help of mental dislocation
Now I've been here before, repeated process feels like home
Revolving doors of manic back and forth; my 'yes and no's'
Exception made when smarter thoughts attack the way I code
They turn infectious or so I would tell myself I know
It's cyclical, imagine you would be here on patrol
This cynical alleviation needs its fucking toll
That's typical so all you do is give up your control
Analytical infatuation with your fucking soul
As pieces fall off, leave this all off; flip the switch and roll
My reason all cohesive thought of shit would be consoled
Treated like all completed thoughts that have nowhere to go
Defeated versions that we caught but had no room to grow
And so we live here, do our best to make this house a home
While contemplating every part of how we choose to roam
And so we sit here, doing less to make this how it holds
Just suffocating all the rest of us we know that wont
But I'm running out of time
(But I'm running out of time)
Way, way, way out in the darkness I can see Catharsis
Waiting and waving on this hilltop just harmless
Scraping for me and my carcass, baiting me into it's harvest
Just grading me from a distance and persuading me into its harness
It stands and looks for me, its watching over
Just counting seconds, minutes, hours 'till it gets its closure
It's waiting for me with its thin and twisted arms
Out to its sides and fingers motion inward asking me to come in closer
I watch it pace like floating slowly back and forth, so patient
Just making space for me, perfecting how it wants the placement
As I embrace the fear of why it waits for me, I'm vacant
This place is near and dear to me or I'm just too complacent
No way I could stay here in this thing forever
The moments catch up, eating through the parts I've put together
One day, I assume one day I'll make this better
Whatever's left to salvage taken in and fit to measure
Can't take my eyes off him, the version of its self-control
Is hiding in the depths of who I may or may not learn to know
They multiply, these thoughts come in and grab the parts I've grown to hold
And pick apart the threads that make them what they are to then expose
The faulty innards acting like they've always been that way, behold
The beauty in the way it works, a simple way to then reload
A reason to believe in nothing, weakness keeps that thought provoked
And bleeding out; no wonder we keep moving in to more unknown
I'm tired, take it in my persona leveled and sick inside this home
Just wired, get it and make my coma settled and quick beside this, whoa
Required to enact all I know inspired with a bad trap in tow, expired
In a why or why not world, I am with the why that won't know, no way
So, I pull down through all this condensation
Refill my drink and keep me steady for more contemplation
Just let me think, ignore the way I would for my causation
And pray it leaves while I'm still breathing in the same rotation