Clomid
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My wife wants to get pregnant now
And she doesn't want me involved
I don't think that's fair
She keeps going
Wait in the car I'll be right out
I'm like
That's not a fertility clinic
It's your old boyfriend's house
No it's not
She's having trouble getting pregnant
So she's taking a drug called Clomid
It's supposed to help you have a baby
But the side effects are diarrhea bad breath and mood swings
That sound like anybody you'd want to fuck?
She has wicked mood swings on this shit
I'll tell you man
And there's side effects for the husband
Like I have hallucinations
Every time she takes one of these pills
I see a witch flying around on a broomstick for twenty-four hours
Honey how are those hot flashes?
I'm melting!
She has all this high-tech stuff for women who can't get pregnant
She has like a Palm Pilot that tells her when she's ovulating
Like a little picture of an egg comes up
She runs into the bedroom last week
She goes
We gotta fuck right now!
We gotta fuck!
I'm like
What am I a porn star?
I gotta fuck on cue?
Yeah put a bad sofa behind me and a potted plant
And yell Action!
She's like
I'm peaking!
I'm peaking!
I took a calendar out from nineteen eighty
I circled a Wednesday
I go
That's when I peaked
The turkey baster's in the drawer
Get a Dixie cup
Enjoy yourself
Mood swings
It's not fair to women
Women only have a certain amount of time when you can have kids
And if you don't
I guess your shit goes bad like fresh fruit or something
I don't know what happens
Guys our stuff's like a jar of mustard
Lasts for a thousand years
Nobody wants it
I can see myself in a nursing home forty years from now
Some old lady rolls up
You have any Grey Poupon?
But of course!
I'm one hundred
It's still fresh
No expiration date on my nuts
I wish I had an expiration date on my balls when I was in college
That would have come in handy
Look at it
It says Use by tomorrow
Get sucking on it
That was bad huh?
Yeah how controversial
Ladies they've remedied the situation
Now you can have kids at any age
You know why?
You can freeze your eggs now
That's pretty cool
Freezing your eggs
Hey Billy, Where'd you grow up?
Between the Fudgsicles and the fish sticks
Is that a birthmark?
No it's a freezer burn
I was this close to being a Margarita
Ladies you know what you get for donating your eggs?
Five thousand bucks
Guys you know what we get for our sperm?
Fifty bucks
I got a towel at home
It's worth two hundred thousand dollars
It's leaning against my bedroom door
I'll be selling it on eBay Thursday afternoon at one o'clock
Well that one worked
I don't know if I want to have kids
Cause they carry too many germs you know?
They're little germ muffins aren't they?
Every time I get near my nieces I get sick
My sister's like
Give Brittany a hug
I'd rather lick the toilet seat at the Greyhound bus station
My wife invites me to a party last week
She doesn't tell me it's a kid's birthday party
I get there
It was like a typhoid convention
They're all shitting their pants
Sweating snots coming down their face
I'm like
Where's the birthday girl?
Well that's her in the plastic bubble
In the corner over there
She's trying to blow out two candles
Oh I can't wait to get a piece of that fucking cake
Nick how come you're not eating?
Well I'm on that Ebola-free diet thanks
I don't want to bleed from the ass and eyes cause Tammy turned three today
You don't mind do ya?
I'm afraid she's going to have twins or some shit on these drugs
You know?
They got all kinds of drugs
The women
Now they're coming up with drugs so men
Apparently none of us can get a hard-on
According to the lesbians again
That run the media
Fucking nobody
Have you seen the commercial for Levitra?
They show a guy throwing a football through a tire swing
He misses the first three times
Then he takes a Levitra
The next five go right through the swing
What is this?
For guys with inaccurate ejaculations?
He's trying to get his wife pregnant
He's knocking over lamps
Breaking pictures on the wall
She's running around the bedroom
I'm open!
I'm open
I just did a perfect buttonhook
Hit me!
I can get a hard-on anytime I fucking want
I can't get her pregnant
But I can get every chick on the road pregnant
It's amazing
That's just a joke
Viagra
That's good shit
You can have sex for like twelve hours straight
And they say the side effects are headaches and dizziness
They don't tell you one side effect
Your girlfriend's going to walk like a pirate the rest of her life
I don't know if I should get her a ring or an eye patch and a parrot
I wish I was single today
They have all kinds of shit for contraceptives now
Right guys?
They have a pill for the morning after
That means you gotta put two pills in a girl's drink
Again a funny joke
Shut up
Go home and watch According to Jim okay?
Have a good hoot
So touchy Houston