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Vicodinland
Bill Engvall
Popularity ยท Moderate
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Took my family on a ski trip, that was a disaster
Snow ski, anybody done that? Ugh, why anybody invented that sport?
I hit two trees and fell down a ditch
And that was just walking from the lodge, alright?
And then I got a hernia, oh my God
I'm telling you, when my body turned 40, it went straight to hell
Guys, remember in the Boy Scouts, we used to
Wear that sash with the merit badges on it?
I think when you turn 40, you should have to wear another sash
And you put your over 40 badges on it
You know, like your hernia badge, your prostate
Exam badge, your Viagra badge, whatever
And then see, ladies, guys couldn't lie about their age
You see a guy with a full sash, hey, move on, gramps
ย
And I know how I got this hernia
I was working out with this psycho trainer
And he was having me do this exercise where you lie on your
Back and you push the weights up with your feet really fast
And we were pushing like, it felt like 500 pounds
And I finally went, "Man, why are we doing this exercise?"
And he said, "Football players do this exercise every day
Because they have 400 pound defensive
Linemen running at them full speed"
And I said, "I'm sorry, could I just
Give you a glimpse into my daily life?"
Never has a 400 pound defensive lineman come
Running at me down the sidewalk full speed
And if he did, I would just step out of the way
I'm not an idiot here
So I go to my doctor and he goes, "Yeah, you got a hernia"
He goes, "Meet me at the Medical Arts Plaza, we'll fix it tomorrow"
And I said, "No, let's do it at the hospital"
He goes, "No, no, no"
He said, "We can just do it at the Medical Arts Plaza"
And I said, "I don't want surgery in
A place called the Medical Arts Plaza
I don't want the word medical and arts together
I don't want to take the chance of getting
A doctor who might have an inspiration"
So I get there and they put the gas mask on me
And they said, "Count back from 100"
Has anybody ever made it past 98?
Why not just say count high as you can go?
I'd be like, "Well, two, nine"
And so, but I thought they were gonna cut me open
They don't do that anymore
They just poke two holes in you
And in one they stick a camera, which is a journey I wouldn't go on
And the other one they fix it
I was in and out of surgery 45 minutes, no pain
But the doctor gave me a prescription
Of Vicodin in case there was any pain
My friends, it is amazing the amount of pain your mind can create
I could barely walk
Two days after my surgery, we were supposed to
Take our kids to the Bahamas on their spring break
And I discovered in the islands of the Bahamas
That half a Vicodin and a Bahama Mama makes for a really good day
ย
And I don't advocate this because I found out by accident
What happened was this resort we went to
Their whole deal was you could swim with the sharks in the lagoon
Well, my son is a shark fanatic
So that first morning, I'm lying in the bed in the hotel room
And he comes doing this Superman leap right on top of me
"Dad!"
I'm like, "Oh God, Mr. Vicodin"
But I know that I have no drug tolerance at all
I mean zero
If I take an aspirin, I'm like, "Hey baby, what's up?"
And I know we're gonna be spending all day at the beach
So I only ate half this Vicodin
Well, we got dressed and by the time we got down to the beach
It had been about an hour and I'd forgot about the Vicodin
And this lady comes walking down the beach with this tray of drinks
And she goes, "You want a Bahama Mama?"
I said, "Believe it's breakfast"
And I start swigging this drink down
Well, the Bahama Mama river and the
Vicodin river converged in my system
And I was just like, "Ooh, I'm gonna braid my hair
'Cause that's what you do in the islands"
Now, if you ever get a chance, I urge you, go to the Bahamas
'Cause it's like the East Coast version of Hawaii
And there's all these guys who weigh like 350 pounds
And apparently from New York and New Jersey
When you hit that weight, it's okay to wear a Speedo
Here I am tripping my brains out
These guys are parading in front of me and I've got a camera
Not a good mix
We get home from our vacation, my wife goes, "Who are all these men?"
ย
I'm starting a magazine, Men with Boobs
So I'm lying on this beach chair just trying to maintain
And my wife and kids have gone off somewhere
And this island guy walks up to me and
He goes, "Hey man, let's go parasailing"
Why, that sounds superb, my friend
I've never seen Vicodin land from 300 feet in the air
And I just get in this guy's boat
I don't ask for a driver's license
I don't ask for a certificate of authenticity
Because at this point in my life, I just did not care
So I get in the boat
Now there's three guys in the boat
Now you know what parasailing is, right?
That's where they hook half an acre of parachute to you
300 Feet of rope and you become this guy's personal kite
So the one guy's job was to hook me up to the parasail
The other two guys' job was to drink beer
'Cause that's all they did
Apparently they were professionals
So they get me all hooked up
And there was no "On your mark, get set"
It was just whoom and we take off
And I start rising up and I'm like, "Ooh, this is righteous
Look at Vicodin land
Ooh, look at the little fish in the lagoon
Hello little fishies, I'm your king"
At 300 feet, the rope jerked
And apparently that was enough of a
Jerk to jerk me out of Vicodin land
And into reality land
I'm 300 feet in the air and I'm scared of heights
So my first reaction was, "Ah, bring me down, bring me down"
What they heard was, "Let's go around"
ย
As we're circling the lagoon for the third time
I realize that these cute little fish in the lagoon are the sharks
And they're swimming in a circle
And I realize I've got two day old
Hernia scars and they have smelled them
And they're just like, "Oh, come to papa
No more stupid squid for me"
I have no idea why the shark had a French accent
But it was really cool at the time
So they start bringing me down
Now the two guys that have been drinking
Beer and have not paid me any mind at all
Now get this freaked out look on their face
And they're poking the driver and pointing at me
And I look down
Now that platform that looked as big as this stage
Now looks like a wheat thin floating in the ocean
And they're bringing me down and I realize why they're freaking out
Because we're gonna miss the platform
Yeah, not by a lot, but we're gonna miss it
As my toes touch the water, the guy driving the boat screams at me
"Just poke him in the eye"
"Who?"
"The shark"
"Oh my God"
That would be my luck
Now I got a blind shark with my leg in his mouth
Heading out to sea
I went back to the hotel room, ate the other half of Vicodin
And watched TV where I could be safe
ย