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The Amazing Fantastical History of Mr. Willy Wonka
Nigel Planer
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CHARLIE BUCKET
Ten minutes 'till dinner? Just enough time to hear the story of Willy Wonka!
GRANDMA JOSEPHINA
Didn't we tell you the story of Willy Wonka last night?
CHARLIE BUCKET
No.
GRANDPA JOE
I have a distinct recollection of telling you the story of Willy Wonka just last night!
GRANDPA GEORGE
And the night before that.
CHARLIE BUCKET
I don't mean to be rude Grandpa Joe, but you are getting a bit old, and well, maybe a bit forgetful.
GRANDPA JOE
Have we really never, ever, told the boy about it?
CHARLIE BUCKET
Not once!
GRANDMA JOSEPHINA
Well, for his entire life the tot has not once told a lie.
CHARLIE BUCKET
I told you so.
GRANDMA GEORGINA
But can we answer all his queries?
GRANDPA GEORGE
Can we cover all the theories?
GRANDPA JOE
All the beds are staged, so dearies-
ALL GRANDPARENTS
Let us try!
GRANDPA JOE
What a clever man he is, this Mister Wonka
There's so many tales to tell
All about the tasty sweets that made the people
Gather 'round for just one smell
GRANDPA GEORGE
Children gnawed
GRANDMA GEORGINA
While in their rompers
GRANDPA GEORGE
Chocolate eggs between their chompers
GRANDMA JOSEPHINA
'Till a tiny bird was perched upon their tongue
GRANDPA JOE
Yes Mister Willy Wonka
GRANDMA GEORGINA
Has a sex appeal what makes me feel young!
There, I said it!
GRANDPA GEORGE
Oh, you little minx!
GRANDPA JOE
From all around the world they called on Mister Wonka
King, and queens, and presidents
GRANDMA JOSEPHINA
Even down in Rome, the pope left home
And in the factory took up residence
GRANDMA GEORGINA
Dalai Llamas and their mamas
Had such episodes and dramas
GRANDPA GEORGE
Even Ghandi got himself into a brawl
GRANDPA JOE
For Mister Willy Wonka
ALL GRANDPARENTS
We all sing for he's the king of them all
GRANDPA JOE
There were sugar balloons
GRANDPA GEORGE
And macaroons
GRANDMA JOSEPHINA
The feathery sweets
GRANDMA GEORGINA
And marshmallow treats
GRANDPA JOE
Transforming wheezing geezers to a child
GRANDMA GEORGINA
And let me say that Mister Willy Wonka
Whips a swirl what makes a girl go wild
Well, he does!
CHARLIE BUCKET
Tell the one about the Indian prince! The one about Prince Pondicherry!
GRANDPA JOE
Oh, you like the scary ones, don't you Charlie?
Willy Wonka went to India
Near the kingdom of Madras
Where he met Prince Pondicherry
Who was rich but awfully crass
He had wed a Maharani
Who craved chocolate for each meal
So he called up Willy Wonka
And he said-
GRANDPA GEORGE
"Let's make a deal!
I will pay a million rupee
For a house to please her belly
We will be the talk of Punjab
And the toast of all New Delhi!"
GRANDPA JOE
"I will gladly build this fortress,"
Wonka said, "but just one thing,
It will be nice for the winter
But it won't last past the spring!"
GRANDMA JOSEPHINA AND GRANDMA GEORGINA
"For the sun will make a river Of this chocolate Taj Mahal"
GRANDMA GEORGINA
"And you'll end up in hot chocolate
With your chocolate femme fatale!"
GRANDPA JOE
But the Prince he wouldn't listen
GRANDPA GEORGE
"Use a Bon-Bon for the dome
I won't rest until my missus
Eats me out of house and home!"
GRANDPA JOE
And so Wonka built a showplace
But when summer came around
All the walls began to melt
'Till every ceiling hit the ground
GRANDMA JOSEPHINA
But the Prince and Princess perished
GRANDPA GEORGE
Drowning in the chocolate flow
GRANDPA JOE
Yes they died 'cause they were greedy
GRANDMA GEORGINA
Ah, but what a way to go
GRANDPA JOE
Oh, but Charlie. then the spies came!
GRANDMA JOSEPHINA
Ficklegruber
GRANDMA GEORGINA
Prodnose
GRANDPA GEORGE
And Slugworth
GRANDPA JOE
Stealing every new invention as soon as it appeared. Wonka closed down he factory and no chocolate was made for a very long time. And then one night, the lights came back on again, and strange shadows appeared at the windows. Yes! The factory was up and running again! But how? Nobody's ever gone in, and nobody's ever come out. And that is one of the great mysteries of the chocolate making world.
Yes the smoke returned to the chimneys
But the gates stayed locked and chained
And strange shadows
GRANDMA JOSEPHINA, GRANDPA GEORGE, GRANDMA GEORGINA
Ghostly shadows!
GRANDPA JOE
Appeared at the window unexplained
ALL GRANDPARENTS
Yes, out went Ficklegruber,
Prodnose, Slugworth
GRANDPA GEORGE
No one went in which was quite bizarre
GRANDPA JOE
But the factory churned
GRANDMA GEORGINA
And the sweets returned
ALL GRANDPARENTS
If we could only afford one bar
So Charlie now you're up to date on Willy Wonka
Now you know what he's about
Though it's a crying shame that no one's going in
At least the chocolates still come out
GRANDPA JOE
Now once again each brother's daughter
Feels her mouth begin to water
GRANDMA JOSEPHINA
In Brazil they gave up coffee
For a taste of Wonka toffee
GRANDPA GEORGE
Now each nose would sense olfactory
Thinks the factory's satisnacktory
GRANDMA GEORGINA
For a single whiff I might commit a crime
ALL GRANDPARENTS
Yes, Mister Willy Wonka's
GRANDPA JOE
Like I said!
ALL GRANDPARENTS
A man ahead of his time
GRANDMA JOSEPHINA
I've still got it!
GRANDPA JOE
I think I slipped a disc.
GRANDPA GEORGE
I think I need a pee.
GRANDMA GEORGINA
I think I just had one.
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