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Fancy Restaurants
Brian Regan
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I'm no one to talk, man
I lost ten pounds for this thing
And then-, oh, thanks
And then yesterday they told me television adds ten pounds
So basically I just wasted my time for a couple months
I don't understand nutrition
I heard a nutritionist on the radio say something like
You should eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a pauper
But I think I wrote it down wrong
Because I eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a hippopotamus
Dinner like an eight-hundred pound gorilla
And a midnight snack like a 25-ton humpback whale
When I was jotting it, I inverted something
I'm always inverting my jots
People who know me say that about me
You get weird advice about food, whenever I go to the store, people say
"Brian, you don't want to go grocery shopping when you're hungry
Because you'll end up buying the kind of food you want to eat when you're hungry"
I don't know how to function
"Brian, you don't want to go buy a car when you want to buy a car
'Cause you'll end up buying the kind of car you want to get when you want to buy a car"
You imagine driving home in a car like that?
Filled with the kind of groceries you want to eat
You'd be the laughingstock of the cul-de-sac
I'm trying, man
I got a juicer, I got a big, giant juicer
You put the fruit or vegetable in the hole in the middle
Besides the spout, that's for the juice
Not sure why I'm explaining to you how a juicer works
"Yeah, we get it, chuckles"
Besides the bad side, you don't want anything that goes in that direction
First thing I tried to make, this is true, was banana juice
Not realizing, a banana has about zero percent moisture
How would I know? I took the manual, tossed that right in the trash
Peeled a banana, this is the first thing I put in this machine
Okay, clearly there's a lag time here
Second banana
Oh, you have to be patient, okay
I thought maybe that's how juicers work
Maybe it takes a while for the machine to catch up
So I just kept pumping bananas in, about seven in a row
When does that delicious banana nectar start trickling into this glass?
So I just took the lid off and I started eating the banana pulp
Which is very similar to eating a banana
It's like eating a banana without all the hard work
I don't know
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