Merry Christmas From the Whole Fam Damily
Cletus T. Judd
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Lyrics
'Twas the fight before Christmas
Went all through the house
No furniture left standin'
No TV or couch
Or aquarium, heck, they even knocked over my chia pet
Meemaw was flung 'cross the room by her hair
By her sister Ethel who never fought fair
Let's get ready to tumble
The children all wrestled and jumped off the beds
Droppin' elbows and knees on each other's heads
And Mamaw with her frying pan and Pa with his bat
Cleared half the room in ten seconds flat
The whole brawl began from an innocent matter
When Aunt Flo thought Eugene said
"She looks a whole lot fatter"
She knocked him through the window he fell with a crash
Tore down the gutters and busted his leg really bad
If you would have saw it, it looked like he
Had been in a motorcycle wreck (no kiddin')
Yeah, awful, I couldn't try to look at it
See both sides of our family never have got along
And every holiday something always goes wrong
You ain't supposed to fight, but spread joy in this season
But when they get the knob, they just look for a reason
In no time at all everybody joined in
And right there we squared off with our closest of kin
"It's a time for givin'," said Uncle Bill
As he gave a black eye to his brother-in-law Phil
I heard somebody say, "It's the thought that counts
And right now I'm thinkin' about knockin' your butt out"
Presents and fists flew all over the room
And Nana had some pretty fancy moves with a broom
She took out three cousins and knocked down the tree
And I ducked just in time she swung 'round at me
It's my favorite time of year
Dad always has too much beer
Gives on the roof and hunts reindeer
Merry Christmas from the whole famdamly
Tie the antlers on the door
Save some shine for Santa Claus
From all the in-laws and outlaws
Merry Christmas from the whole famdamly
I crawled to the phone, lord it seemed like a mile
And called 911, which we keep on speed dial
In a matter of minutes out the window appeared
Flashin' blue lights and the sheriff John Deere
Just then six men burst through the door
Some yellin', "Hands up," some, "Get on the floor"
A straight punch from Grandpa found the sheriff's chin
And just for good measure he clocked him again
It took all six cops to get Grandpa out of course
You know he gets feisty when he runs out of snuff
We all stopped our fighting and cheered Grandpa on
Heck, I thought he could take 'em, I guess I was wrong
As they dragged him outside he yelled, "I've been framed"
He was kickin' and screamin' and callin' them names
"You -bleep-, you -bleep-, let me go you -bleep
You doughnut-eatin' stupid -bleep- son of a -bleep
We stood on the porch as did all our neighbors
Who always took interest in our family's behavior
"Mind your own business," we heard Grandma shout
And, "We'll take back the presents, dadgum, they're y'all"
By now we'd forgotten what we'd been fighting for
We were battered and bruised but united once more
Then we all joined hands and sang "Silent Night"
And we heard Grandpa exclaim as they drove out of sight
"Merry Christmas to all, man that was a good fight"
Pick your neighbor, deck the halls
'Tis the season for a brawl
From all of us to all of y'all
Merry Christmas from the whole famdamly
Merry Christmas from the whole famdamly
Merry Christmas from the whole famdamly