Pandering To the Locals
David Cross
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Oh man, so I was watchin' that show
Uh, the fuck, the show where the, uh
There's a guy on stage and then everybody in the audience believes
That he, uh, has contact with the dead and spirits talk to him
Cross, no no no no no no, it was uh, it was church, it was church
Um, um
That's one of my favorite things about, uh
President Bush is that he's a born again Christian
He's a born again Christian
Which means, in all seriousness, this is true
That he believes, that I don't know, like probably two thirds
Of this room is going to burn in hell for all of eternity
And that, that gives me comfort as a
Rational, sane citizen of the free world
And that's great, and this is actually true, um
President Bush actually said this, I'm quoting, um
He actually said he hasn't made up his mind yet about evolution
Hmm, hmm, that is a tough one
Uh, I mean on the one hand you've got, you know
Uh, you know the Bible and everything the Bible says
And you know, and then on the other hand you've got facts
Mhm, um
But uh, did you guys read about, um, the
Bush asking the troops to pray for him?
Did you hear that? You heard that?
Oh, it's awesome, I uh, oddly enough happen to have it right here, um
Um, yeah, I've come prepared, that's alright
Uh, yeah this is true, I got this, uh, I got this
On the internet, this is in Yahoo, um, or on Yahoo
Or in it, kinda when you think about it, um
US soldiers in Iraq asked to pray for Bush
They may be the ones facing danger on the battlefield, but US
Soldiers in Iraq are being asked to pray for president George Bush
I mean, that, that is the most fuckin'
Like, imperialistic, like, ego-maniacle thing
That's craziness
That's what kings do, kings do that, you know?
Was he fuckin' munchin' on a big ol' turkey
Leg and gettin' blown by a surf, you know?
He's like "Oh, tell the troops to pray for their president
A pox on thy house, yes, hmm
Bring in the court jester, Dennis Miller
What lovely jokes do you have for me today?
Oh, oh Dennis, what, nuke them all? Oh yes, that's funny
What, Saddam makes Cromwell look like Chamberlain?
That's wonderful, you truly are the king of references, oh"
Um
Okay, um
Okay, check this out, the pamphlet produced
By a group called In Touch Ministries
Which is, you know, kind of an unfortunate name, you know
You know, don't you, you'd think somebody
In the organization would be like
"Hey, um, guys?
Hey, I was just thinkin', um, you know, 'cause um, you know how
Uh, so many people in the clergy, um, uh, like to fuck little boys
I'm wondering if maybe, shouldn't we
Call it like sunny side up or something?
Like that, eh?"
Um, no check this out, thousands of marines have
Been given a pamphlet called a Christian's Duty
A mini prayer book which includes a tear
Out section to be mailed to the White House
Pledging the soldier who sends it in has been praying for Bush
Not only do you have to do it, but you have to fuckin' prove it
While you're at war
Yeah, I know we've been getting a lot of lip
Service from you there in the tank division, but
Fuckin' put your money where your mouth is asshole
Fuckin' find, go to Tikrit and find a mailbox, alright?
But this is crazy, I mean, these, these kids, these poor fuckin'
Kids, like these nineteen year old kids are fuckin' scared shitless
You know, in the hundred degree heat, fifty pounds
Of shit on their back, gettin' shot at by other
Nineteen year old kids who are also scared shitless
Who don't get Fox News so they don't know everything's okay, you know?
And they're like, fuckin', fuck out, pray man, pray
Like "Oh God, oh dear, um, I have committed to pray for you, oh God
Your family and your staff and, and
Our troops are in the, ah, ah, oh no
Oh God, must finish prayer
God, please see to it that president Bush
Has the strength to finish his lobster salad
Please show him with your guidance the courage to
Cut 14.4 billion dollars out of the veteran's budget
Oh, thank you, now I may die"
Alright, uh
It's alright though, I know that looked, uh, I know that
Looked pretty serious, I'm a professionally trained actor
But just so you know, it's okay, uh
The fictional soldier I was portraying, uh
Was actually killed by friendly fire, so
So, it's not as bad, you know, it isn't, it's not as bad
That's why they came up with a euphemism, that's
My favorite euphemism in war, is friendly fire
It's like, um
"Ms. Henderson we have some bad news and some good news"
"What, what is it?"
"I'm afraid your son, uh, was shot to death in Iraq"
"Oh my god, that's terrible, what, what, what's the good news?"
"Oh, it was friendly fire, it was right neighborly
I'm sorry we have to make this quick
Would you like the recliner or the TV?"
Alright, um
Oh yeah, aw boo, yeah
Um, they make, friendly fire, it's, I mean they
Make it sound like it's an animated, you know
Bullet with a top hat and a cane, you know, like
You know, "Hey bullet-y, what's goin' on?"
"Oh, you and me mate, gonna travel through time
We're gonna go through your aorta, burst through
Your behind and off you go to heaven with me"
Alright, um
Uh