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You Won't Succeed On Broadway - Original Broadway Cast Recording: "Spamalot"
David Hyde Pierce
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Lyrics
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Have you heard of this Broadway?
Yes sir, and we don't stand a chance there
Why not?
Because Broadway is a very special place
Filled with very special people
People who can sing and dance, often at the same time
They are a different people, a multi-talented people
A people who need people, and who are in many ways
The luckiest people in the world
I'm sorry sir, we don't have a chance
But why?
Well, let me put it like this
In any great adventure
If you don't want to lose
Victory depends upon the people that you choose
So, listen, Arthur darling, closely to this news
We won't succeed on Broadway
If we don't have any Jews
You may have the finest sets
Fill the stage with penthouse pets
You may have the loveliest costumes and best shoes
You may dance and you may sing
But I'm sorry, Arthur king, you'll hear no cheers
Just lots and lots of boos (boo)
You may have butch men by the score
Whom the audience adore
You may even have some animals from zoos (roar
Though you've poles and krauts instead
You may have unleavened bread
But I tell you, you are dead
If you don't have any Jews
They won't care if it's witty or everything looks pretty
They'll simply say it's shitty and refuse
Nobody will go, sir, if it's not kosher then no show, sir
Even Goyem won't be dim enough to choose
Put on shows that make men stare
With lots of girls in underwear
You may even have the finest of reviews (you're doing great)
The audiences won't care, sir
As long as you don't dare, sir
To open up on Broadway
If you don't have any Jews
You may have dramatic lighting or lots of horrid fighting
You may even have some white men sing the blues (ah-ah-ah)
Your nights may be nice boys, but sadly we're all goys
And that noise that you call singing, you must lose
So, despite your pretty lights and naughty girls in nasty tights
And the most impressive scenery you use
You may have dancing mana-mano
You may bring on a piano, but they will not give a damn, oh
If you don't have any Jews
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Hey
Oh, oh,-yeah
Oh, oh-yeah
You may fill your play with gays
Have Nigerian girls in stays
You may even have some schizos making stews
You haven't got a clue if you don't have a Jew
All of your investments, you are going to lose
There's a very small percentile who enjoys a dancing gentile
I'm sad to be the one with this bad news
But never mind your swordplay
You just won't succeed on Broadway
You just won't succeed on Broadway
If you don't have any Jews
Arthur, can you hear me?
To get along on Broadway
To sing a song on Broadway
To hit the top on Broadway and not lose
I tell you, Arthur king
There is one essential thing
There simply must be, simply must be Jews
(Hey, hey) come, there simply must be, Arthur trust me
Simply must be Jews
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