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Jail, Pt. 1 (Bonus Track)
Lil Dicky
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On stage rappin' (ew)
Ain't shit to me, I'm a rapper, that's what I do (hey)
Young Dave snappin' (woo)
The crowd seem to fuck with me and I like 'em, too
Ordinarily I might joke around on the stage (ya)
Funny motherfucker, class clown, 12th grade
Sometimes I might overstep my boundaries (hm)
Do some weird shit
Believe in the art of the joke (ya)
In this case, I was like
"Ay, y'all a great crowd
So as a reward, do you wanna see my dick?"
Crowd went wild, now I'm kinda torn
Mid-show soft dick, is my worst soft dick
I'm a moron (ya)
"Show your dick, show your dick!"
Whole crowd chants (shit)
I'm like, "I can't, but what 'bout nuts?" (ya)
People erupt, whipped out the nuts, cheers
Off stage, head up to the dressin' room
Five cops waitin' in my dressin' room
Goddamn D, you blowin' up
Look at how they beefin' up the security (aye)
I was like, "Officers, I'll be okay" (ya)
One cop said, "Sir, you're under arrest" (ha)
I laughed in jest
Assumed he was just showin' off for his cop friends
Opened some Chex Mix
"Sir, I'm gonna need you to put on these cuffs"
I'm like, "What?"
"Sir, you just exposed yourself
At an all-ages show nonetheless
Wait, you talkin' 'bout showing nuts?
Sir, that's like a common joke
You never just pull out a ball with your friends or
Sir, never?
Sir, please put on these cuffs
Wait, stop, no, this is actually happenin'?
Sir, wait, this is unfair
Sir! I'm sorry, I swear!
Sir! Please hear my out
Sir, you're going to jail"
I'm like, "Jail?"
He like, "Yeah!"
I'm like, "Jail?"
Yeah!
Booked, bail
Pay it, scared (this is crazy)
Months pass, trial (real trial)
45 parents press charges (oh)
I got a DUI in college (stupid)
This was not my first offense (oh, my God)
Children were cryin' on the stand (stand)
Probably the dorks of their class (you're a loser)
Now it's the day of my reckonin'
They 'bout to give me my sentencin'
Can't even breathe and I'm tremblin'
The jury arrived at a verdict (guilty)
I thought I misheard it (guilty)
Mama Burd goin' berserk (my son!)
Wait, you said two years, Your Honor? (yes)
On the bus to Chuckawalla
They got me chained to Roberto
Tat on his face he was fidgety
Shook as can be as we pullin' in (hm)
They take my picture, unchain me
They give me my state I.D (thanks)
Then they took me to a room
And told me to "spread your cheeks" (ewww)
I was like, "Like this?" (like this?)
They like, "Yeah, but rake your nuts
Rake, rake my nuts?
Like pull 'em up? Yes, oh, okay"
They made me squat and cough (ah., ah)
Standard procedure, I'm with it (it's cool)
After I finished, I had a minute with the guard
Say to him, "Sir, I know this is bizarre
But the whole rape thing, is it, like, real?
Is it actually a thing in jail? Or?"
He like, "Yeah"
I'm like, "Yeah?" (it really happens?)
He like, "Yeah" (isn't it your job to protect people?)
Gettin' walked to my cell (we got a white boy)
Walkin' through jail (wooo wooo wooo, woo yeah!)
Shit is like hell (you dead, you dead)
It's just like the movies (gettin' fucked!)
Screamin' and hollerin', hootin' (fresh meat!)
A black guy said, "I'll break your back!" (on your back now)
Hispanic guy ask, "What that mouth like?" (I'ma need that)
A neo-Nazi just smiles (hmm)
We get to my, cell
Got a cellmate named Raheem (hi, I'm Dave)
Good dude, wonder why he in (I'm Raheem)
Then he asked me what I even did (what'd you do?)
I explained the whole thing, (yeah)
Was performin' (yeah)
Showed my nuts (huh?)
Totally innocent, like
Well, I did it, but it was an innocent act
It's not a big deal
Now I'm here in Chuckawalla for two years
For exposin' myself to minors
"Whoa, whoa, you a pedophile?" Raheem said
No, I'm not a pedophile, you just heard the story
Okay, okay, okay, you cannot let anyone know this
Why? It's not a big
If they find out, then it's over
Over? You raped, dead, maybe
Raped, dead? Let's just think of solutions instead
Raped, dead?
In here, there's the blacks and the Mexicans
Well, what about those white supremacists? (heh)
They see that you're Jewish it's evident (it's evident? What does)
The blacks and the Mexicans don't have inherent hatred for you (true)
You gotta pick one of them for protection (who?)
The blacks or the Mexicans? (yes)
Uh, I mean, I guess I'll go blacks, right?
Blacks, okay
I just don't know much about Mexicans (I hear you)
Like, at home I would hang out with blacks (go with blacks then)
Well, how do they know I'm with blacks?
Like, how do I refer to it?
Do I say "Blacks"? (you won't have to say)
I feel like it'd be weird
If I said, "I'm with the blacks" (it's not like that)
How is it referred to?
Don't worry, I'll make sure that everyone knows you're with us
Three o'clock rec ball
Pretty solid courts, real good runs
Watched on the sidelines, didn't try to run
Callin' for next would be callin' for death
Real good black dude roll his ankle (ewww)
Mexican guy on the side says, "Ay, carumbo"
Now there's a squad, that's only got four players
And in jail the other team picks his replacement
They look around and my heart started racin'
One guy is beelinin' straight up at David
'Cause they probably think I'm a horrible player
They like, "All right, take this white, skinny bitch"
Little did they know I'm a bad motherfucker on the court
First play hit 'em with a cross, up-fake (swoosh)
Next play, wide open three, like (swoosh), wet
The yard takin' notice (yo)
I take a charge, but they don't even notice (bro)
Don't leave him open, his jumper is potent (ha)
Pat on the back, feel like a black
Dap, dap, dap
All the sudden, a Mexican guy
Walks on the court and says
"Stop the game, stop the game, stop the game."
Gets in my face
Says, "You know what he did?"
Everyone's frozen in place
"You know what he did? (what'd he do? What'd he do?)
He raped some kids"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, not true!", I said
He said, "One was my niece!"
Hold on, I can explain, I'm a rapper
I was on stage (you ain't no motherfuckin' rapper)
Yes, I am (we gon' rape you)
No, I am a rapper
I'll spit, you want me to spit?
I'll fucking spit! I'll
You 'bout to get fucked, pendejo!
Listen, my dick sucks, my dick sucks
Uh, that's just a hook
Remember the name, Don Quixote
That's the guy that will fuck you later
Okay, chismoso? (hahaha)
Then he walked away
I tried to play it cool, I'm like, "Back to the game"
Punched in the back (ah)
Thrown off the court
I'm like, "I'm with the Blacks!" (that made it worse)
Smack! Smack! Smack!
I'm like, "I didn't rape no kids, I just showed my sack
You never did that, like, with your friends? (Ain't fuck nah, pussy)
It was just a joke!
I believe in the art of the joke (that don't sound very funny)
Yeah, but you should've seen it, it worked
They laughed, the joke was successful"
They whipped my ass, (pa pa)
Now I'm not with the blacks (you ain't black)
Lick my wounds in my cell (eh hu)
Tell Raheem all the facts (this guy walked on the court)
He like, "Oh, no! Don Quixote? (yeah)
That's the most dangerous Mexican (really?)
And now all the Blacks not protectin' you
Yeah, no shit, and by the way
They didn't take kindly to me sayin' I was with the blacks
Well, now (offft)
Now everyone's got the green light (green light)
I wish I could make it be right (Raheem)
You're definitely gonna get raped (raped, dead?)
If I were you, I'd learn to fight
I can't fight, I'd lose every fight
Instead of fightin' back
What if I offer, like, willin' head?
Willin' head?"
I'm like, "Yeah"
Willing head? Yeah
Think about it
Nobody wants to fight (that's not true)
I would much rather give consensual head
Than get fucked up my ass and die
Well, it's not gon' be an option like that
No, no, hear me out
What if one day up in the caf' I stuck a paper on the wall? (a paper?)
Yeah, a sign-up sheet (a sign-up sheet?)
Yeah, with time slots (what, time slots?)
Yeah, for head
You know, if you, if you don't rape me
I'll give you the best head you'll ever get in jail
And I'll be such a joy, so pleasant
What a great companion I could be (I don't think)
This is so smart (uh)
Yeah! Uh
Then word would get around about the head
And everybody would start to realize
The second I'm raped, that the head off the table
Better than anal
The brothers would kill for this shit, Cain and Abel
You're not gonna have the option like that, cuh
It's, it's cool when you say cuh
Like cuz, but you, cuh
Where you from, Raheem?
Man, I gotta nap
Oh, when you wake then
Caf', tuna fish (ugh)
Actually surprised because this shit fire (hmm)
Usually I'm real picky with my tuna type
Only like my mom's and Subway's
Did you guys know
That Subway's the biggest chain in the world, over McDonald's?"
No one responded
Tap Raheem's shoulder, I said
"Did you know that, Raheem?" (uh)
He like, "What?"
"That Subway's the biggest chain?
Bigger than McDonald's" (no)
Waking back to my cell (aye)
Just me and the guard, I feel greasy (yeah)
All the sudden he bail (what the fuck)
Then as I turned the corner, I saw Don Quixote (fuck)
Fuck, this is it, oh, my God
Dave, you're so raped (fuck)
Thought of my options, he started approachin' (oh)
I'm like, "Quixote, relax. I'm open to it"
Come here
Kissed on his neck
Licked on his ears
Took off his shirt
Kissed on his stomach, his chest is so bulbous
But I'm playing my part (yeah)
He fallin' hard, (yeah)
I got his heart (yeah)
I get down to my knees, aye
Tease, aye
Whipped out the dick (oh, my God, so big, ah)
Veins, everywhere, so many veins
Off-colored dick
Darker than I expected
I realized in that moment
I've never seen a Mexicano's dick before
Spit on the dick (pusst)
His guard fallen
Cocked his head back real slow
And then said, "Ay, carumbo"
Plan coming to fruition
I open wide, put the tip in
And I close my eyes, and pray to God and
Then I bit off his dick (ay, carumbo)
Spit out his dick (ugh)
He fell to his knees, blood everywhere
Don Quixote is dead
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