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Texas And Sea Food
Mitch Hedberg
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I like Texas 'cause Texas is the only
State ballsy enough to have its own toast
I love Texas toast but I do not have a Texas toaster
I've got to stuff that shit in
Texas toast man, fuckin' Idaho potato, Denver omelet shit
Colombian coffee
Have some breakfast
You know the jellyfish are dangerous unless they're
From Smucker's then you want them to swim towards you
There's a jellyfish, get away, oh it's from Smucker's, swim towards me
And land on this English muffin
Now if you're a fish and you wanna become
A fish stick you have to have very good posture
You can't be a slouchy fish or you will be a fish clump
I had one anchovy that's why I didn't have two anchovies
One anchovy fucks it up for the rest
You taste like shit, I know
Now if you like anchovies, fuckin' go
Seahorses are slow, if I was in the ocean
I would not be a gambler on the horse races
'Cause you'd be there fuckin' days
You can't have seaweed as a house plant '
Cause you'd have to water it way too much
Hey Mitch you wanna go out? No I have to water the seaweed
'Til when? 'Til forever
I ran some Evian water through a filter, the shit disappeared
It was so fuckin' pure
I'm an ice golfer, last night I made a cube
You know during the summer they say
Drinks are ice cold?
That would suck if a drink was ice cold
'Cause then it would be impossible to drink
'Cause it would be solid
Here's the pyramid Mitch, it's ice cold
God damn it
I guess I can lick it
I wear a necklace now 'cause I like to know when I'm upside down
This one commercial said forget everything
You know about slipcovers so I did
And it was a load off my mind
Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers
But I didn't know what the fuck they were
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