Midfielding
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Lyrics
I love animals, I'm always talking about animals, love 'em
But the thing is, you know, whenever you see animals
On telly, it's always the showoff animals, yeah?
It's always the leopards and panthers and
Crocodiles, lions, milling about going
"Oh, I'm very good, I'm on everything"
And it really makes me annoyed, you know?
What about the English animals, the British mammals, yeah?
Ah, what about the muskrat or the tiny northern root vole?
With his little banjo and hat made of elastic bands, yeah?
Who's representing him? No one, that's who!
I was furious, so I went round all
The heavily wooded regions in England
And I just went round with a small pamphlet
Recruiting, like a huge slave rebellion
I was like Spartacus, I was there going
"Okay, we're gonna go to Africa, we're gonna kick their asses"
And I got a huge, sort of tiny little mammal
Slave rebellion and they were all wearing tunics
We were there, rummaging about Greece, well, Kent
And I said "Come on, we're gonna get
Over there and we're gonna show 'em
I'm sick of the lions, I'm sick of the
Crocodiles, you must be too, come on now"
So I got 'em all in a big rusty bomber and we flew over to Africa
But we needed a strategy, couldn't
Just go over there, you know, and go
"Come on!" and give 'em some aggro
We needed a strategy, so what we did is
Umm, we built a huge wooden shrew
Like the wooden horse of Troy but just a little bit more
Stoaty with tiny little Stoat's arms holding a spear
And what we did is we lined it, to make it double dangerous
We lined it all with Kit-Kat wrappers
Ah, it was fantastic, it was like a glossy bitch
Ah, it was so bright, it was a metallic wonder
Small boys would rather eat a pair of
Scissors than go near the glossy bitch
"Don't make me go near it, I'll eat another pair of scissors
I can't look at it, it's doing my pupils in"
Ah, it was fantastic, it was very warlike, the body was very warlike
But the eyes, they were telling a different story
Mighty warlike eyes, like the eyes of
An old Russian lady who'd seen too much
An old Russian lady with her arm caught in a loom
And big sailors would walk past and go "Hello"
And she'd go "No, not hello, my arm, it's in a loom"
And they'd go "Yes, hello"
And she'd go "No, not hello, it's
Gone maroon, my arm, it is in a loom"
And they'd go "Yes, hello"
And she'd go "No, not hello"
And in the end she'd have to pick up the
Two-ton loom and walk and follow them home
And knock on their front windows and they'd be going
"Oh, you're scaring me a little bit now"
That's what the eyes were like
Dangerous but beautiful at the same time
And what we did is we cut two circles out of the base of the shrew
So that Martin, Pine-Martin, could stick his little
Stoaty, weaselly legs through and wheel us around
It was fantastic, although we had no windows so we were
Crashing into antique shops, knocking over stationery yachts
We were having a nightmare
And eventually we found the plains, and we waited '
Til dusk, waited 'til it got a little bit dark
And we looked for a crack in the shrew
And they were all out there, lions, we went
"We're gonna get you, you freaknuts"
So what we did is we waited 'til it was
Dark and we went out and we went "CHARGE!"
And we ran at them, and when we got out
There we couldn't believe it, they were huge!
Lions the size of transit vans, we didn't know what was happening
Leopards like marquees, "Ah, he's like a
Victorian tennis house, look at the size of him"
Martin the Pine-Martin was in a right state of "
Flippin' hell, I'm not going out there again
Their blood's huge, they didn't tell me they were gonna be that huge
I'm tapping into your voice, I'm a bit scared"
So we all ran back into the shrew and we
Were like "Oh no, what are we gonna do?
Let's come up with Plan B"
Luckily, Morris the Wood Pigeon went "I've got an idea"
And he brought some Japanese tourist costumes along so we
Popped them on, went out there and we took photos of 'em all
But we used them cameras that fly water
Oh yeah, some of the zebras were soaked
Cheetahs wringing out their gussets, we
Went over there and we kicked their arses
Best weekend I've ever had