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How's Your Mother
Derek and Clive
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How's your mother?
Oh, me mother? Well
Living?
Well, I, well, it's a sort of life, you know
An existence
Yeah. I went to see her, uh, last Wednesday afternoon
Yeah
Took her round some Jaffa Cakes
Yeah
And
Now, did you take her round some Jaffa Cakes? I mean, did you have
Jaffa Cakes, uh, left in the road
Which you sort of did a slalom round or
No, no
Did you take her some Jaffa Cakes
Oh, I took her
Which you shoved in her gob?
I shoved them in her gob
Oh, good
Right
As long as you weren't taking her round Jaffa Cakes
No, no, no, I wouldn't, no, I wouldn't do
That 'cause she doesn't enjoy that as much
No, she hates it
She likes them in her gob, but I've taken
Her round Jaffa Cakes and she hates that
Oh
Yeah. Anyway, I gave, I bunged this Jaffa Cake in her
Gob and she took a nip at it. And do you know what?
Her right tit fell off right in front of me. Anyway
So what did you say? Her right tit fell off
I didn't say anything. I, uh, I picked it up, you know
Yeah
And I said, "Good God," I said, "Look at that, look
At that bird on the, on, uh, Mrs. Coltart's roof"
Yeah
She whipped, she turned round and I
Slapped it back on again. She didn't know
No
And, uh, it was alright
At that age they don't, do they?
They don't know. But it was a very difficult moment, you know
Tell me, did it stick?
Of course, yeah, oh yeah. Well, it's her
Own tit, you know, it's bound to take
Yeah, bound to graft, yeah
Bound to take. In fact, uh
No, 'cause I, I had the same trouble down
At, um, you remember Mrs., um, Gratoli?
Oh yeah
She used to make those
Mrs. Gratoli
Those, uh, those blancmanges, didn't she?
Yeah, she, not only did she make them, she was
One. But Mrs. Gratoli, I was down there for tea
Yeah
And, uh, her whole bottom
Just like me, for tea
Yes
Yeah, that's interesting that, see
Her whole bottom, you know
Her arse fell off?
Yes, her arse fell off on the floor
Fucking hell. What, right
So, no, we, she didn't want, she was
Embarrassed, so we tried to make nothing of it
Right, right
So we shoved, um, both halves in a toaster and, uh
It come out nice and brown. We shoved it back on and
She thanked us later 'cause she got the smaller arse
Yeah, yeah, that was nice that
And we both didn't hate it
Yeah, well, yeah, it's, it's, uh, that's nice that
It's a gesture, isn't it?
Well, you know, I don't know if I told you, but you
Know, there's been a history of this in my family
What, things falling off?
Yeah, my uncle, my, um, uh, my Uncle Bert, you know. He, uh, I was
Talking to him, uh, we were having a drink, you know, in the pub. Hey
Uh, yeah
Suddenly, you know, he was talking
Yeah
You know, telling a joke I think it was
Yeah
And, uh, his head fell off
Oh fuck. What a cunt. His fucking head fell off
Yeah, right in front of me
In the middle of a joke
Yeah
Did he give you the punchline?
No, well, no
Oh, cunt
Anyway, I picked it up, I
Yeah
And you know, in the, in the panic I stuck it on the wrong way round
What happened then?
Well, now he shits through his prick
Oh fuck
And he gets the most enormous erection
Of course he does
On his arsehole
All that shit coming through his prick, arsehole all erect
Right, and he comes through his arsehole
Oh God
It's the most amazing sight. Of course, he never forgives me
But I said, "Listen, Bert," I said, "Fuck me," I said, "If I
Hadn't stuck that fucking head on, mate," I said, "You wouldn't
Have had it on the right way round or the wrong way round"
Well, well, I've got an
Fucking ingratitude
I've got, I've got, I've got an Uncle Bert and he's worse. Do
You know what he did to me? He come up to me in the middle of
The night and he said, "Look, I'd like to take your nightie
And set it on fire." I said, "Fuck you, you're not gonna take
My nightie and set it on fire. You'll take me and set me on fire
And set me on fire, right
Before you set yourself on fire with the nightie"
Right
And he set fire to me and the nightie. He said, "Fuck you
" And I said, "Fuck you, cunt." And do you know what I did?
What?
Oh yeah. I felt very, very ill
Well, you bet. After, after that?
Being burnt
After him coming in and saying he's gonna set fire to your nightie?
I was burnt to death
Oh fucking hell
But after that
Why'd you let him do that?
After that Uncle, no. After that, Uncle Bert took me down the pub
Yeah
He said, "Clive"
Yeah
"From being nearly dead, you've learnt how to be alive"
Oh
And I kicked him in the fucking teeth and I was in a cunt again
Oh, that's, that's, uh, that's relatives, isn't it?
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