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Here's Your Sign
Jeff Foxworthy
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All right, it is your turn, and you don't get a choice
You have got to do some "Here's Your Sign" jokes, Bill
Thank you. I had the great opportunity this year to take my
Family to the Winter Olympics, and it was great being an American
Being in our home country and all that. And we were renting a
Car out in Salt Lake City and it's got a ski rack on it and we
Was putting the skis up in the ski rack. And the guy at the car
Right next to me goes, "You going skiing?" I said, "Nope, we
Put 'em on top of the car in case we flip over on an icy road."
Here's your sign
This last year I had a chance to go elk hunting. I got me a
Nice one, had it hung on the den wall there in my house
And my neighbor comes over and he goes, "Did you shoot that
Thing?" I said, "Nope, he ran through the wall and got stuck."
Here's your sign
Hey, Bill, tell 'em about the one in Buffalo when we
Did the show in Buffalo. Remember when they lost it?
Oh, God. We did this show in Buffalo, New York, and we land at
The airport. We all go down to get our luggage and mine didn't
Show up, which I know happens. So I go down to the lost
Luggage office where everybody's in such a good mood. Who
Applies for that job? Who says, "I want to work in lost luggage?
" You don't have a good day. That's like having a job emptying
Porta Potties. You're just going to catch crap all day long
That is beautiful. Did you just make that up?
Yeah. So I'm trying to be nice to this woman in the lost
Luggage office. And I said, "Excuse me." And she goes, "Can
I help you?" I said, "Yes, ma'am, he lost my luggage." She
Looked me right in the eye and said, "Has your plane landed yet?"
I said, "No, Princess, I'm having an out-of-
Body experience. I'm just checking on it."
Here's your sign
I hate to stop you, but I've got one for you. And I know you
Have so many of these things, but this happened to me last week
We're in the process of remodeling our houseโwe've been doing
It for a whileโand we have the painters in there right now
You know, they're putting the sheets over the furniture. And we
Have a piano, just a regular up-against-the-wall piano. Last week
One of the painters says to me, "Is that y'all's pi-anna?"
"No, that's our coffee table. It just has buck teeth."
Here's your sign
He did not, did he?
Yes, he did
Oh. You know, I'll keep that one. I'm gonna keep that one
Hey, let me try one of these Bill Engvall "Here's Your
Sign" days. I'm sorry. I did not mean to start this
No, you can use that. Your next album will go aluminum. My
Grandma is covered with mold. Now, my grandma recently just
Passed away. 104 years old. That's right, but they saved the baby
I don't think he's kidding. Now, my grandma just passed away
104 Years old. So I go up there to the flower feller to, you
Know, get her flowers and a card up there at the flower feller
Wait, wait, no, wait, wait
And I was walking in there...
Stop it
You bought a card for your dead grandmother?
They had 'em there. I know I'm gonna regret this. What did it say?
"Get well soon."
I knew it was coming. I knew it
It's a little late. But anyway, 104 years old, passed away. I go up
There at the flower feller, saidโhe said, "What's this
For?" I said, "My grandma passed away, 104." He said
"Ooh, 104. How'd she die?" "How'd she die? She's 104
" "She wrecked her Harley up there at Bike Week."
Here's your sign
It was better than I thought it was
Gonna be. Hey, Bill, Bill, I got one
Oh, do you?
Yeah. My son, Tater Tot, is covered with mold. My son, when he
Was six years old, was gonna fly by himself from Dallas to Austin
To spend a week with his grandmother. I'm putting him on the plane
His grandmother's taking him off the plane. And the lady I was
Buying the ticket from says, "Is there gonna be somebody there in
Austin to pick him up when he gets off the plane?" But no, I'm
Gonna pin a $20 bill to his collar and wish him the best of luck
Here's your sign
Those are three good ones
Bill, what do you say you try one?
Yeah, let me give it a shot. I was in the store the other
Day. I'm buying some pants, and I put the pants up on the
Counter and the little girl behind the counter goes, "
You gonna buy those?" I said, "Nope, gonna steal 'em. Just
Wanted you to see 'em before I walked out of the store."
But the best one, the best one I've seen yet happened in Los Angeles
California. I got stuck behind a big rig that had wedged his
Trailer up underneath an overpass. And me and the trucker are
Waiting on the side of the road on the tow truck driver. Well
The highway patrolman pulls up and looks at the guy's rig and he
Looks at the trucker and I'm thinking, "Oh, dear God, he can't say
It." 'Cause I'll start laughing. Sure enough, he goes, "You get your
Truck stuck?" And God bless this trucker, without missing a beat
He goes, "Nope, I was delivering that overpass and I ran out of gas."
Here's your sign
Thank you
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