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Songwriting
Petr Chubak
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I started writing songs because that's what my brother did
And ever since I can remember I just wanted to be like him
Until he stared doing things that made me uncomfortable
Like hitchhiking out to Cali and then train hopping back home
But he wrote songs of his adventures and they were inspiring
So I recorded them on my phone so they would always be with me
But I lost them when I got mad and through my phone off a cliff
His songs were few of many that I lost when I did this
So when he gave me his guitar I taught myself to play his songs
Hoping one day at a show he would ask me to play along
I learned by playing all his songs, as well as Gary, Acro, and James
And after all these years I guess I just wanted to say thanks
I've been a part of this community since just 14 years old
And I still do not know how much value I really hold
Because I seem to place my worth on what I hear you people say
But I'm too scared to stick around for the whole show to hear it anyway
So not many know my real name or who I am when I don't sing
And I know it's my own fault, but it's the truth and it can sting
But now that you know my system I feel like the data is all flawed
But not as flawed as I am when I think you want me gone
I have a confession to make and I am being quite sincere
When I say when I first came out to shows
I thought you were something to fear
I guess my dad got in my head and knowing him I should know better
But I used to think a punk could never be a Christian debtor
And I feared when you discovered how religious that I was
I would be kicked out of the only place I really came to love
You don't believe the things I do. I don't believe the things you do
But you believe in me and I believe in you
But I don't believe in Bigfoot because he doesn't believe in me
I scan the crowd at all my shows and only see his empty seat
I'm afraid of confrontation yet I always start the fights
I'm bipolar and sometimes I just can't see what is right
Yeah, things can get real tough sometimes, that's what I try to sing about
Even if my poor vocabulary makes it hard to pick that out
And I often do songwriting because it feels so therapeutic
To let out all these emotions I just don't know what to do with
And I always do my best to be kind to those I write about
Unless that someone is myself because I'm not someone that I care about
I put an inside joke in every song I ever write
But no one ever knows to laugh because I won't let them inside
Now I am in therapy to work on liking who I am
And I feared that when this started I wouldn't write a song again
Because I'd have a healthy outlet for all the things I hate inside
But it turns out I can do both now and I'm starting to feel alive
I must correct myself because I'm sure I'll always want to die
But I can start to see why some people enjoy being alive
I was asked once why I talk so much about depression
Why, if I want to help people, do I just keep screaming at them?
And I swear I have an answer but it's quite hard to explain
I guess because I have so many friends with chemically imbalanced brains
And they feel lonely or hopeless or undesired or just scared
That they are the only ones with these emotions that randomly seem to flare
Like they are looking at the world while locked inside a little cage
And I just want them to understand that I have often felt the same
And I have many friends who try their best to understand our pain
When we are hurting, but they've never had a problem with our brains
And because it is so painful when the good friends get it wrong we just stay silent
So I try to explain all that in a song
And try again, and again, and try again, and then again
Because emotions are so difficult to explain to our friends
But I also sing songs about depression, about rage
About social anxieties and suicidal states
Because I have to keep reminding myself that being alive is right
And that there are some things and people that make all this worth the fight
Sometimes when I write a song I get real proud of myself
Until I go to the next show and then I listen to someone else
And I think maybe it's best if I quit and never waste my time
On all this music and emotion and getting it to rhyme
And I can be the guy who goes to every show but never sings
And every band knows his face well but can't remember his name
And I can support indie music from the comfort of my room
And no one would look at me and say, Don't you write music too?
Because when people notice me I'd rather be my phone thrown off a cliff
I still don't know the difference between a progression and a riff
I'm just a kid who tells sad stories while holding a guitar
And this feels like a dream or a nightmare that went too far
I also do my best to address some happy thoughts
Because there are too many bands that only sing sad songs
Or that sing about corruption or oppression or of hate
And I'm sure we can find joyful things through which we can relate
For example, I have a brother who encouraged me
When he gave me his guitar and he told me I could sing
And people would listen because I matter to them
And I will always fight this stage fright to feel that love again
And I had a friend whose talent was far superior say
I want you on my show because I have somebody who needs to hear you
You may struggle with your voice or getting the guitar the way you want it
But you can show emotion in ways that anyone can feel it.
And I didn't know for a long time if my music had any value
But a friend called me up recently saying, There's something I should tell you
You see, I left my house intending this night to be my last
And I got out my iPod and put it on full blast and I heard you sing
No, more than that, because it wasn't in the music
I felt you sing about hope and recovery, and I knew I could still do this
My friend is out there somewhere still traveling these states
And I write music because I know somehow somewhere someone will relate
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