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Shark Frenzy
Bill Engvall
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We get to the hotel, I strip down to my bathing suit, I got my
Hand in the shape of a glass, I am headed to the bar. And she
Goes, "Where are you going?" I go, "Bar, Mai Tai, I am still
Mad at you." She goes, "No, no, no, no, I booked us on a trip
" And I go, "We just got here." And she goes, "But it was the
Only day I could get it, Bill, and it's gonna be fun. The kids
Are gonna love it, you're gonna love it." And I go, "What is
It?" And she goes, "We're going on a shark feeding frenzy."
Okay, wait. We're in a boat looking down in the water. "No
That's the best part. We're in the water with the sharks
" And I go, "Have you lost your mind? Do you know why they
Don't do that in the United States? 'Cause we have laws."
So we get down to the beach and there's a guy standing there
His name's Paco, I swear to God, could not make that up. And he's
Wearing nothing more than what looks like a red handkerchief
And he's got a burlap sack filled with masks and snorkels, and
God knows whose mouth these snorkels have been in. So he hands me
My mask and snorkel and I go, "Is this clean?" And he goes, "Oh."
So we wade down in the water to about this deep, and then you
Just sit down on the bottom of the ocean and you hold onto this
Nylon rope. And you get seated and it's crystal clear. And there
Was all these beautiful fish and they're swimming around and
I'm feeling kind of bad. So Gail's sitting right next to me and
I'm talking to her through the snorkel 'cause I'm an idiot
I went, "I'm sorry. I love you. Look at all the little pretty fish."
All of a sudden, in the water wades Paco, and he starts turning really
Fast. So the handkerchief starts going and I'm like, "Oh my God. We
Flew to Costa Rica to watch an underwater porn show?" He's like, "
Oh my God, did you see my squid? I should have wore something
I'm so sorry," you know. And then he takes a bag of
Bloody chopped up fish and starts swishing it in the water
Well, all of a sudden all the little pretty fish go
Whoosh. And I'm like, "Where'd all the little fish go?"
Within seconds, there's like 30 sharks just going . And I'm like, "
Oh my God." And one of them broke away from the pack and started
Swimming right at us. And I heard this high-pitched screaming. And
I looked at my daughter and she's just clicking pictures. I looked
At my wife, she's taking pictures, and I realized it was me. This
Thing is heading right for us, its mouth is open and I'm going, "
Ahhh!" All I got in front of me is a nylon rope
Like that's gonna stop a man-eater? Like he's
Gonna get the rope and go, "Oh, damn it, a rope."
Well, apparently the rope works because just as he got there
He flipped a U-turn. But when he turned, his tail touched my
Stomach. Oh my God. I shot out of that water like a missile out
Of a Kansas silo, screaming the whole way as I walked on water
Going, "Ahhh!" My wife jumped up, she goes, "Where are you going?
" I go, "Bar, Mai Tai, I'm gonna suck it through this snorkel."
And Paco's like, "Come back, come back." I go, "Put on a jockstrap!"
So she comes to the bar and we make up. 'Cause that's
What we have, little fights. We don't have big fights