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Classmates.Com
Eugene Mirman
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I have my 15-year-high school reunion coming up, yeah
I actually just visited, I was back home and visited my high school
And it's funny, because the second I got there, I was like terrified
Like somebody was gonna go like, hey, fag, you know?
And then I would throw them because they're tiny
Though I did, there was a point where I was like walking into the thing
And three like jocks came out of a thing, and I was like, meh
And then, what are they gonna do? Blow me wrong
That would be very funny if that's what they were gonna do
If they like pinned me down and gave me a terrible blow job
And I was like, high school's changed for the weirder
But the real point, what I'm really getting at
Is that I went onto classmates dot com, because I was like
Oh, I wonder if there's anything happening, and I joined
And right away I got like a thing that's like, reunion are coming
And then I found this survey that they have that's like
So you can fill it out so that people who you used to know in high school
Can know what you're up to and so I have, I filled it out
And these are the questions they ask you, and the first involves just checking off stuff
And the second you can write stuff in, so these are their questions
What do you like to do in your free time? Check all that apply
Dine with friends, garden, go to the movies, have drinks with friends
Listen to music, read, sleep, watch TV
If I like looked up like an old friend, I was like
I wonder what Dave's up to, and he just said, watch TV
Oh, his life's over, that's too bad
How would you describe your current relationship status?
Single and loving it, single and hating it
Married, partnered, divorced, separated, widowed
In a committed relationship, or my favorite, I plead the fifth
I don't believe that they understand that the fifth amendment
Is not just like, I don't want to talk about it
It's an amendment protecting you from self-incrimination in a crime
If you check that, it means you're either dating a child
Or you're dating a horse
Or if you're a monster, you're dating a child horse
Who cannot make any decisions for itself
If you won $100 million tomorrow, what would you do?
Buy an island, change very little about my life, just enjoy the money
You know, just to be very similar, except I would have an unbelievable amount of money
Donate most of it. Retire immediately, give notice, buy postcard
I am a businessman making businessman joke
And then my favorite is, save it for a rainy day
Really, $100 million? That's a very rainy day
That's like you wake up and you're like
Fuck, I gotta put my brain in a robot's body
Oh yeah, I have $100 million
Next question is, what is your biggest pet peeve?
And the list is bad drivers, long lines in stores
Meetings after four on a Friday, sitting in traffic
Spam, telemarketers, and they had others
So I could write one in, and I put child pornography
It's kind of a pet peeve of mine
Because I think it's really, really wrong
But you could pick traffic, wow
And this is where you can start writing in answers
Dream destinations
I wrote a candy city that flies on the back of a giant eagle
But is very segregated, like Boston
Best or worst date?
It was at the ground round and she died giving birth
It was an awful date
And then lastly, weirdest job?
And I didn't know if they meant just the weirdest job I had
Or the weirdest job I could come up with
So I figured they must have meant the weirdest one I could come up with
And I do genuinely think this would be a really weird job
I think it would be super weird if my job was to travel around the country
In a fire truck collecting the farts of Down syndrome children
To power fart cars
I just think it would be the weirdest job
And people are like, what are you doing?
I describe it and they'd be like, that is so weird
I'd be like, I know, but it beats temping
And at least I get to use my science degree
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