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My Girl
Gabriel Iglesias
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I'm not gonna lie, you guys, I think deep down, he wishes
That I would hit him because it would be faster
But that's not how I roll, uh-uh, oh, no
And I gonna give credit to his mom, you guys
His mom allows me to be a dad
You know, as a stepparent, it's not easy
You can't just come in and, and run things
It takes time
If you come into that house and you start trying to yell at people
And start trying to, uh-uh, no, they'll jump all over you
"You can't be doing that, don't do -, hey!
You tell me what he did, I'll handle it, you don't do anything"
A few of you, you're like, "Oh, I've been there, bro," yeah, right?
Next thing you know, you're in the corner crying when that kid is supposed to be
It's a hazing process in the beginning
It's everybody's pushing each other's buttons, everybody's testing each other
Is this guy really gonna stick around? That's what happens
And after eight years, hey, my credit is good
So my girl backs me up
Whenever I make a call, she backs me up
Don't get me wrong, if I make a, a bad call
She's gonna call me on it, okay?
If I mess up, she's gonna point it out
She doesn't think that all my ideas are good ones
And there's been a few times when I've messed up as a dad
Like one night, uh
I got really, really drunk on the road with Martรญn
And I don't know what happened
I started drunk-texting Frankie
I don't know what it is about me getting drunk
For some reason, the phone just -
And my girl found out about it
And when I got home, I knew something was up
Because she called me by my first name
And we haven't used first names in years
You know since then, it's always been pet names
You know how it goes, you know, Honey, Baby, Sweetie, Sucia
Something that kind of just, some of you got that, gracias!
Anyway, I walk in the door and I hear, "Gabriel
And I'm like, "Oh, I'm in court," and here she comes out of the back
"I understand when you're out there
You're gonna do what you're gonna do
You wanna get drunk? Fine, get drunk
You wanna text me while you're drunk?
Fine, text me while you're drunk
Do not ever drunk-text my son again"
"How do you know I was drunk?"
"Really? Frankie, come here, bring your phone
Look at this message that came in at 4:17 a.m.
"Put on deodorant, fucker""
That's a nickname, no, no, no
I gotta give her credit, anytime I mess up
She is very creative on how she approaches me
Like the latest thing that she does is
She no longer wants to deal with me face to face
What she does is, she will find one of the three dogs
That we have in the house
And she will start carrying a full-blown conversation with the dog
Telling the dog what I'm doing wrong as a man
You have to understand how demeaning this is to me, okay?
I own chihuahuas
And you mean to tell me two pounds of terror is gonna take over me?
Uh-uh, no, no, no, no
And I'll tell you what happened, you guys, I was actually innocent
I was actually innocent, I didn't do anything bad, but it looked bad
I had three shows one night, and after the third show
I was exhausted, so I go in the back to lay down for a little bit
And I fell asleep, and I woke up, and it was four hours later
And I reached down and I pull out my phone, my phone was still in my pocket
And it was in silent mode, and I look at the screen and the screen said
27 missed calls from I wonder who
There is not a text in the world that's gonna fix that
There's not a phone call that I'm gonna make at four o'clock in the morning
That's gonna make this better, I'm screwed no matter what
So I shut off my phone, yeah, look at all the girls are like
"That's where you really messed up," I know
I didn't know you could die twice, apparently you can
So I come home, you guys, and I'm, I know I'm innocent
So I'm not showing up at the front door with flowers or trying to be
Oh, this is -, no, no, no, I know I'm good
So I show up, confident, I walk in, I said
"Baby, let me just explain what happened to me this weekend
Before you say anything," and then she starts
"Oh, look who's here, Bruno, look who's here
Daddy's home, now Daddy wants to talk to us"
Funny, talk to Bruno, let me explain
"He thinks we're playing, huh?"
Really? You're not gonna talk to me?
You're gonna talk to the dog?"
"Somebody's getting frustrated, huh? Kind of like we were frustrated
When he didn't pick up his phone, yes, he did"
She will not look at me, she will not talk to me
She continues to do this for ten minutes
After ten minutes, she has me doing it
"Bruno, tell her I'm sorry"
Okay, Bru-Bruno! Bruno!
Now she thinks I'm making fun of her, "Are you mocking me?"
Now I'm pissed off because now she's screaming in my face
So then I was like, "Oh, she thinks we're mocking her, huh, Bruno?
Mommy shouldn't have played this game because we can play it
Better, huh? Yeah, 'cause I can make you talk back to me, huh?"
Yes, you can, Daddy
Yes, I can, because you love me more
I love you
Mommy's crazy, huh?
Yes, she's a bitch
Come on
And that started a whole different argument
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