Love Being Married
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No, I'm not single, I'm an old married man. I love being married. My
Wife and I, we had a small wedding. I get too nervous at big weddings
. Especially the part where the minister will always ask if anybody
Has any reason... 'Cause at this point you're scared to death some
Nut's gonna jump up and go, "Hey, I love her and she's carrying my
Baby!" Well, when you go to a wedding you know the people
Getting married. Don't you ever sit in the pew and go
"Oh my God, she's wearing a white dress!" One time I want
The bride to come out in a nasty black teddy. Here she
Comes, give me some ones! She coming, give me some ones!
Let me share a story with you. One of the worst things that has ever
Happened to me in my life happened last year at my brother's wedding
See, they were married in Atlanta. So my wife and I, we drive into
The wedding. We're supposed to stay at my mom's house. Supposed to
Be six people there. Ends up there are thirteen people there 'cause
We had a bunch of relatives get kicked out of the Holiday Inn for
Cooking Spam on a hot plate or something. So all these people are
Crammed in my mother's house and she has two bathrooms. Well, you
Know, we've all been through this with our own family. You know, you
Just spend the weekend going, "Is somebody in the bathroom right now?
I ain't peed since Tuesday, y'all know that?" So it finally comes
Around my turn for the bathroom and I thought I heard the door open
I walk down the hall to check. Sure enough, the door is cracked about
That far. I peek in to make sure nobody's in there. I saw my
Grandmother naked, y'all. You will remember that 'til the day you
Die. Weeks later I'd be lying in bed and just do one of those full
Body shivers like, "Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh." Nothing was in the right
Place. Looked like a bloodhound in a shower cap. I thought about
It, I decided it was God getting even with me for all the times
In my life I tried to see women naked. I think God finally had
Enough, said, "Hey Jeff, you wanna see naked women, huh? Here's
Your grandma!" Weddings have changed a lot too. Like at the end of
My wedding when we ran to the car they threw rice on us. You know
What they're throwing now? This is at my brother's wedding. Birdseed
Birdseed. They don't want you using rice anymore. Anybody know why?
Birds blow up, that's right. They say the birds eat the rice and
Then when they drink water the rice puffs up and the birds explode
I'd pay ten bucks to see that one time. Got some nice cool water
For the birdie. Drink the water, little birdie. Boom! He did it!
Woo-hoo-hoo! Woo! Go get some more rice. Get the Minute Rice
You know what scares me the most about having a baby daughter?
I think there's a good chance she's gonna grow up to be a woman
And after all these years I still don't know very much about women
I know a few things. I know married men are some of the luckiest
Men on the planet 'cause we never have to worry if we have anything
In our nose. 'Cause we have somebody that'll let us know. My wife
Can't see the oil light come on in the car, she can spot a crusty
From a mile away. It's like being married to a third base coach
"You want me to get it?" "No, I don't want you to get it."
I learned this last year about women. My wife and I drove cross
Country last December. I learned a woman's job on a long trip in the
Car is to sleep and control the heat and air conditioning. We drove
Three thousand miles. My wife slept the whole damn way. It is so hot
In this car I had meat falling off the bone. We're cleaning the
Windshield with Easy-Off. I mean, it is hot. Every time I'd try to
Sneak my window down she'd wake up and go, "Roll that up, I'm cold."
I was like, "Why don't you hold a pan of muffins so we'll have
Something to eat when we get there?" And before we left she said
"I'll read the map." Well, what happens? She'd pull the map out
Of the glove compartment, stare at it like a monkey doing a math
Problem 'til I'd get pissed, snatch it and try to read it going
Seventy miles an hour. I don't know why this is either. My wife
Is the smartest person I know. You give her a map, it's like
Kryptonite to Superman. "What do we do, hon? Gotta do something
Quick. What do we do?" "Okay, okay. Take the blue road out of
Phoenix, go up a tiny bit and turn down." "What does an aneurysm
Feel like? Oh." The only fun I had on the trip was knowing everybody
That passed our car on the right hand side was laughing their butt
Off at my wife doing that open mouth Jell-O neck head bob. They're
Laughing at you and you don't even know itAnd don't get me wrong
You need a woman on a long trip in the car
You need 'em
'Cause they always have food hidden away
And they can keep you alive
Well, men don't wanna stop for food
Men don't wanna stop for anything
'Cause men wanna be able to get there
To walk in the front door and go
"Made it in five hours, eighteen minutes!"
That's three minutes faster than last year
We didn't even stop for gas
Pulled up behind a tanker truck
We hooked up with him
Had the kids pee out the window
And here we come, buddy
Two hours later, the women are visiting
The men are still in the driveway
"You know, Bob, you made damn good time"
"Well, thank you, Jim
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me"
You ever have relatives
You see 'em like once a year
And you never ever talk to 'em?
I have an Uncle Fred
The only thing I've ever said to the guy is
"Hey, Fred, can you move your car so we can get out?
I'll see you next Christmas, alright
Happy New Year to you"
I gotta be fair to my wife about the driving
She will volunteer to drive
The problem is it's always around mile 498
Of a 500-mile trip
That's when she'll turn to me and go
"Hon, you want me to drive for a while?"
"Yeah, why don't I pull over in front of the driveway
Let you kick it on in here, huh?"
Here's something I know about women
I know if you give a woman a little basket of seashells
They're gonna put 'em on the back of the toilet
I do know that
I don't know why, but that's where they go
They go on the back of the toilet
You never see a toilet on the beach
But you will see a beach on the toilet
And if they don't have real seashells
They buy the fake soap ones
But you're not supposed to wash your hands with 'em
You're not supposed to dry your hands on the little towels either
That's why you have pants
Next to the seashells
My wife keeps a can of flower-scented spray
Who has this ever fooled?
Have you ever followed somebody in the bathroom once?
"Hey, Lloyd, were you arranging flowers in here?
I swear to smell a lilac bouquet"
I know if it wasn't for women
There isn't a man alive that has a relative
That would ever get a birthday or Christmas present
I know that
Men are the kind
We're driving to the family Christmas party
Saying things like
"Hey, did we get my mother anything this year?"
We're just as surprised as the people opening the stuff
"Thanks, Jeff"
"Alright, glad you like it"
Women not only buy the gifts
They buy the cards and sign the guy's name on the card
Men can't find Hallmark on a map
And women send their friends "Thinking of you" cards
Men never do this
You know, like, what would they say?
"Walt, yesterday I was out in my driveway
And I saw an oil stain that reminded me of your head
Thinking of you, Ned"
Doesn't quite have that punch
Here's something I know about women
Women will stand outside a dressing room in a store
And tell other women what they think
About the clothes they just tried on
Men never ever do this
"Hey, Ralph, is this too seductive?"
"Oh no, Jim, and the green makes your eyes dance
Get it!"
A lot of stuff about women I don't know
I admit to that too
Like, I don't know this
Why is it when a woman gets in the bed
The temperature of her feet and butt drop to below freezing?
It could be 98 degrees outside
That butt is ice cold
And wanna put it on you
It's like snuggling with a Butterball turkey
Honest to God, I can lick my hand
Put it on my wife's butt, it'll stick
Women's temperatures change so fast
I bet every guy in this room has heard his girl say this
"I am cold
You're not cold? I am cold, cold, cold, cold, cold"
Five minutes later
"Get off of me, I'm hot
Oh, I gotta take these socks off
I'm burning up, get off of me"
And when a woman is cold
She will try to talk her guy out of
Every piece of clothing he'll give up
You'll be walking down the street
"Honey, give me your coat, I'm cold
Oh, my feet are cold
I want your shoes too, give me your shoes"
You ever seen these football games in December
Where they have the guys sitting out in the snow with no shirts on?
They're not drunk
They're just there with their wives
And they've given 'em all their clothes
I will tell single people something you probably don't realize
Arguing is a lot more fun when you're married
Give you an example
Say when you're single and you're having an argument
Once you're through running each other in the ground
There is nothing else to fight aboutBut when you're
Married, once you get through running your partner down
How now you can bring their family into it
No matter how bad you're losing an argument
You turn it right around by saying something like
"Well, I guess we'll just live like your fat alcoholic mother then"
You learn how to argue
Like there's a lot of times, girls
You ask us guys questions we should not give you an honest answer to
My wife asks me all the time
"Honey, please tell me if my butt starts getting fat"
Yeah, right
I don't care if she's knocking lamps off the table
I'm going, "You got a real nice butt, Tundra, I swear you do"
Never ask this one, girls
You're out in public somewhere with your guy
Never tap him on the shoulder, point to another woman and go
"Honey, do you think she's pretty?"
I always go, "Lord, no!
Oh, I hate blondes with big firm breasts
I feel lunch coming up, I'm sick as a dog here"
We know better
We know better than to come out of a movie theater with our girl
And just say something like
"You know, baby, that Sigourney Weaver is a sexy woman"
'Cause we know later that night
We're gonna be sitting at home eating meatloaf and go
"Hon, you know this meatloaf is a little dry"
"Oh, well, why don't you have Sigourney
Weaver make you a meatloaf then?"
Men are like little kids
You can't let us out to play with our friends
'Cause we never come back when we're supposed to
You get two or more men together, we can't tell time anymore
"Baby, we'll be back by 5:30, quarter 'til 6 at the latest"
Then we come rolling in like February
Talking real big in front of our buddies too
It's like, "Well, I told her maybe I'd come back, maybe I wouldn't
At my house, I'll do whatever the hell I wanna do"
Girls, I'm gonna let you in on a secret
You know why guys don't call when we're out?
We don't want our buddies to know who's really running the show
'Cause there ain't nothing more pitiful
Than a guy calling home from the bar
Trying to blame the trouble he's in on his friends
"Hey, honey, did I wake you up?
Oh, listen, I wanted to come home about nine hours ago
But Dan's real depressed and wants me to drink one more beer with him
I just been sitting here all night thinking about how pretty you are
And what a lucky man I am to have you
Alright, well, look, I'll be home as quick as I can
And I'll take out the trash soon as I walk in the door, alright?
You're the best thing ever happened to me, cookie face"
What'd she say?
"Oh, I told her kiss my ass"
See, the sexes answer the phone different when their friends call
Like say a guy gets a phone call from a friend of his
He hadn't talked to in a while
Man'll answer the phone, say something like
"Hello?"
"Wally, you ugly old bald-headed pervert"
You never see women go
"Hello?"
"Janet, you fat pig
You water-retaining sea cow
How are you?"
See, and men know our friends are gonna get us in trouble
That's why they're our friends
You ever heard a guy describe a friend?
There's always trouble involved
You always get something like
"Oh, George, boy, he's a great friend
He'll come get you out of jail at 3 o'clock in the morning"
Which isn't true
'Cause if George was a great friend
His ass would be in jail with you
Sitting on a cot, smoking a cigarette, going
"She didn't look like no cop, did she?"
Y'all have been terrific
God bless you, thank you for coming out
You're the best
Thank you, folks
Thank you very much
Thank you