Shoplifting
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And, uh, I got caught nicking stuff when I was fifteen
I got caught nicking makeup, yeah
And I thought I could have saved up and bought this actually
But I thought, "No, I won't, I'll be clever"
And, 'cause if I buy it, someone could say
"Hey, awkward question time
You know, why are you, a boy, buying makeup?
You must be a transvestite, uh, sexuality check"
And I'd say, "Oh yeah, you must be
Sherlock fucking Holmes to wear that out"
So I thought, "No, I'll avoid the awkward questions
I'll just nick it and then no one will know
Except the police and the judiciary system"
My plan worked perfectly
So I nicked, uh, some makeup and I
Put it under some brown bread actually
I had a loaf of brown bread that I don't know quite why I just did
It was a sort of sliced, you know, squeezy one
And, um, you know, the Hovis-y kind of thing
And I was walking out, kind of casual out
Of Boots the Chemist in Beccles-on-Sea
You know, as casual as you can when you're nicking a load of makeup
And I was caught immediately
But I was fifteen, so they let me off with a warning
And the warning was
"That lipstick's never gonna work with that eyeshadow, is it?
You want more russet colours
That's light blue, that's a death colour as an eyeshadow
God, never wear that, no one can wear those colours"
"Oh, thank you, Chief Constable, thank you"
That's a warning, ah