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Aunt Florrie Remembers
Rick Wakeman
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She sighed deeply and her mind strode back some thirty years on
Sensible brogue feet. Henry, in uniform, the blink of brass buttons
Then after to dance the night away. What foolishness now it seemed
To a woman already in the twilight of her autumn. Yet what a kind
Man he'd always been. She recalled the time Mr Cumberpatch, the
Gardener, sweet old chap, hated wasps, always wore bicycle clips
When mowing the lawn, had fallen badly in the orchard and broken
His leg. Why, Henry fairly raced back to the house for his pistol
He couldn't bear to see even the lowliest of creatures in pain
Again she heard the Black & Decker two-speed drill start horribly
Up in the downstairs bathroom and the high-pitched screams of Sir
Henry doing his own fillings. Curious how the Rawlinson family
Distrusted dentists. She remembered the night of Arbuthnot'
S honeymoon in Vienna. He knew he could never face his new
Wife without a huge and immediate extraction and so he fastened
A length of string about the tooth that pained him and the
Other end to the door of the cage-like lift and waited. But
To no effect. The lift ascended, nothing happened. Tearing
Open the iron door Arbuthnot immediately threw himself down
The shaft. Few men would have had the intelligence to do that
"You know, Rafe could play billiards
On horseback before he was fourteen."
"Well, I could play blow football with my bottom when I was a
Youngster. Now about these chaps. They put a hand on your chest
To wake you up. One chink of reality, you're gone. Slit your throat
Gouge your eyes out, no compunction. I remember I was alone in my
Tent when I felt it. I was enjoying a fitful rest when suddenly
I felt it. The nuisance was I was so full of cold mackerel pie I
Knew I'd have to blow off. Imagine the fix. I was at bursting
Point when the thing yurped into my face. Turned out I'd been lying
There with a bloody great frog on my chest for an hour. Didn'
T have the heart to kill it but I twisted its arm something rotten."
"I, I, I was in Africa," began Tarquin Maynard Portleigh. "Don't want
To talk gibberish but I spent some time in the land of the Jibber
And believe me those Jibwos could
Get a budgerigar to phone Howard's."
"Canny as a Campbell Maynard," said Philippa Portleigh nee Maynard
"Maynards? So much incest in that family
Even the bulldog's got a club foot."
"Aye, but the flash of the clay pipes, the skirl of
The morays!" Profoundly moved, serpent shakra shivering
Speed bonnie boa, Lady Philippa gave tongue