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Interior Design Bitch
Lisa Lampanelli
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๐ฌ๐ง English ยท Original
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In any case, man, I'm the luckiest person in the world. I got a great
Job, I got a great guy, and you know what? He don't mind that I talk
About the sack. Seriously, I said to him when we met, I liked him so
Much, I said, "Look, if you don't want me to make fun of you, I won't
Mention it." And he said, "You know what? When I met you, I knew what
I was in for. Eighty thousand jokes about my enormous, misshapen
Off-putting meat sack, and an iron-clad prenup." Hey, come on
I gotta protect what's mines is, you know? I don't like to brag, but
I got two mortgages I'm only two months behind on, and two very sweet
Toyota Camrys, bitches. By the way, Ching Ping, thanks for the pedal
That sticks, I really appreciate that. Freaking payback for Pearl
Harbor with this guy. And people wonder if Jimmy's real. He does
Exist, look for him on Facebook. He is the prototypical Italian. He
Is so Italian, when he gave me my ring, it still had a finger in it
But you know, when a guy shaves "I love you" into his back hair
You take notice, you really do. I don't let Jimmy come out on stage
With a microphone, 'cause frankly, there's only one star of a Lisa
Lampanelli show, and that's Lisa Lampanelli, baby. But you know
Jimmy's real cool 'cause he makes me laugh, he's so freakin' funny
One week we were on Howard Stern together, and Howard asked Jimmy
He goes, "Hey, do you guys have a mirror over the bed?" And Jimmy
Goes, "No, we got one over the dining room table." That's where the
Action happens, folks, trust it. Also, you know what? I make fun of
Him, but yous people, you're freakin' amazing. You really are cool to
Take a joke from me. I saw, I saw the black smile. I saw teeth and
Eyes. I know what I'm doing. I love that. Now, black guy, you're
Amazing. What's your name, my friend? Joe? Is it really Joe, or is it
Something you're using 'cause there might be police in the Oh my God
You know what's weird? That's not even his wife, that's his parole
Officer's. Clap it up for Joe, the parolee. I love you, Joe, thank
You. Aw, clap it up for the Mexicans, they're being deported tomorrow
. Surprise. Aw, clap for the Asians, no one likes them. Come on
Goody, goody, goody, goody. Now, as you notice, I always clap for the
Gay guys last, and I'll tell you why. In 21 years of doing comedy
Not one gay guy has ever got mad at me about a joke. And you'd think
If there was any group who'd have a stick up their ass, it'd be them
Right? So I have this to say. If you are a homophobe of any kind, or
You don't like gays, you can get the hell out and stay out, you're
Not allowed to be my fan anymore. I love the gays. Without the gays
The world would be a different place. Without the gays, who would
Watch Bravo TV? Without the gays, who would run Bravo TV? Without
The gays, who would say, "Bravo"? Without the gays, there would be
No fabulous hair extensions. And interior design. Man, wait, let me
Tell you something. Homos, may I vent to you for a second? Interior
Design is something that pisses me off. 'Cause my, I grew up a low-
Life Italian. You know? And by the looks of a lot of you, I'm sure
You did as well. We grew up with the plastic on the furniture the
Whole nine. So, whenever I grew up, I said, "Ooh, my big dream is to
Have a little apartment and have somebody decorate it for me." Well
Ladies, never hire a bitch to do a homo's job. This whore that I
Hired tried ripping me off every single way. She bought me a garbage
Can. A garbage can! For Jimmy Big Ball's bathroom, for $315. I could
Get abortion for less than that. Unless that garbage can has some
Magical powers where he could dip the sack in and have it come out
Lint and lice free, take it back where it came from. Then, she has
The nerve to buy him a Q-tip holder. A Q-tip holder. For $135. I'm
Like, "You dirty skank. Have you ever heard of Bed, Bat, and Beyond?
" Take it where it came from, honey, 'cause I'll pay one of his wop
Friends a lousy $50 to smack him in the head 'til the wax falls out
Of his ears. The worst thing she did to me. You know, ladies, how we
Like a little, you know, chair in the vanity in the bathroom? If you
Guys had indoor plumbing, you would know. Just, you know, imagine
You're one of us. Um, you know when you want a little chair in the
Bathroom in the vanity? This Brazilian hooer sends me one. Hold on
To your cunts, ladies. For $2,100. I'm like, "Take it back, whore
Because with my luck, Jimmy Big Ball's a sleepwalk and take a dump on
The wrong chair." He's done it before, he'll do it again. So that's
What I say to you tonight. My message. Hire a homo. A fag is a
Terrible thing to waste. And you'll be happy with the
Job they do, 'cause you know what they say. Once you
Go fruit, your place will look cute. Clap it up for my
Gay friends who are amazing. Love you guys, I'm gay
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