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Brian Regan
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Anyway, he's smarter than me
I'm trying to get smart
I've been watching Nova
They had a thing a couple of weeks ago
About string theory
I started watching that at 8 p.m
And at 8:03, my brain exploded
They said string theory is the stuff
That the physicists are now figuring out
That Albert Einstein was not able to nail down in theories
Something, well, if Albert Einstein didn't understand it
Me on the couch with a bag of potato chips
Don't have a shot
Oh, I see what they're talking about
Yeah, you got to incorporate gravity
I was wondering why he didn't do that
I'm sitting there working on my string cheese theory, huh?
You know, they always say Albert Einstein was a genius
Then how come when anyone ever calls you that, it's an insult?
You don't know where you parked the car
Good job, Einstein
I don't think we're honoring that man properly
By using his name in vain in parking lots
That's the only time he ever comes up
I watch too much TV
I like watching the Antiques Roadshow
It's one of my favorite shows
People bring in their old stuff to get it appraised
My favorite part of that whole show
Is the people in the background, you know?
If aliens ever wanted to see what we're all about
They should just bring that tape back to their planet
Let me show you what we're dealing with here
Yeah we can do whatever we want down there
Yeah they rule the whole planet, they rule the whole
Yes they rule the whole planet
Let's go shine lights in their eyes
I like to get on that show
Go stand in line for like three hours
With an old rusty spatula
Just finally get out there and hand it to the guy
Is there some type of story associated with this? Oh
Well, it was in the kitchen drawer
And I couldn't open it
Because the spatula was sticking up
So I thought maybe it's from Babylon
Do you see how this says Kmart?
Would you be surprised if I told you
This was absolutely worthless?
Nah, when is this going to air?
Absolutely worthless
I like watching golf on TV, and I read recently, this is true
NBC Sports, on their golf telecast
They got caught putting in bird noises for ambiance
Birds aren't even there
And a bird lover called them on it
Because he was hearing a bird that was not indigenous
To where the tournament was being held
Well, you imagine being the guy who had to field that phone call?
Uh, yeah, sports department
Uh, yeah, hi
Listen, uh, does this sound right to you?
No, that don't
Um, I, I don't know what you're talking about
Yeah, yeah, apparently you don't
Yeah, I guess I'm supposed to believe
The blue-breasted whippoorwillo has decided to alter its annual
Migratory route to enjoy a little golf
What? Maybe for that region you should try-
Okay, I get it, I got one
Cock-a-doodle-doo, cock-a-doodle-doo, cock-a-doodle-doo!
You have to admire that guy
You have to admire him
You're not going to slip a chirp past him
What the hell was that?
Please tell me I did not just hear that
Please, please tell me this is not happening to me today
I wish he would have handled it differently
I wish instead of calling
He would have snuck in there late at night
Pulled that dead bird tape, you know
Stuck in another animal track
No one would even know until it's going out live
Ernie Ells is looking at about a ten-foot putt here
This is a downhill putt
It's going to break a little bit to his left-
Man, he is focus
Oh you guys, you guys are great man, thank you thank you
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