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Ledger

Ssanafar
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I said I'd win Nobody asked what I'd trade Here's the ledger 14th of July, 2015 Summer hit hard. Two losses, same week One friend gone. One love packed light Phone stayed bright. No replies I slept on floors that smelled like wires Said I'm fine. I was fucking not I kept moving because stopping felt louder than traffic I wrote "keep going" on a receipt and folded it twice I said I'd win, didn't say clean Kept the pace, shaved off pieces of me If this is the price, then say it plain: I won, yeah Now tell me what remains I won, yeah Now tell me what remains 2nd of November, 2018 Same address, different house The hallway felt colder One chair stayed pushed in all week A coat on the hook with nobody in it We ate in turns, the plates faced the sink I slept in my old room like it still fit Headphones on, door cracked, voices soft, edges sharp Didn't move out, just moved inward. That counted. Winter signed for the rest Chairs learned to sit empty I boxed up the photos, left the nails in the wall Said, "work'll hold me." Work held me by the throat Cheap meals. Late rent. New habits I learned to talk softer to myself at 3 a.m Didn't heal, just 21st of May, 2021 Breakfast at the laptop Midnight in the car park Said "I'll pull up", never did First poster with my name loud First check that didn't change much Paid rent, owed time to friends Turned my phone face down I was fucking tired and close close enough to miss you I said I'd win, didn't say clean Kept the pace, shaved off pieces of me If this is the price, then say it plain: I won, yeah Now tell me what remains 1st of September, 2023 First big stage. Room shook like a train I looked past the lights, counted spaces you'd fill Mouth got dry on the best line. Crowd knew it anyway Backstage, someone said "you made it." I nodded. Then sat on a case and breathed through it I texted "you good?" to a thread that doesn't light up 12th of April, 2024 New city, same hallway hum I ate standing up, shoes still tied I made a list of people I owe a call I made another of things I won't get back Crossed nothing off. Chose the next mix instead I'm proud. I'm tired. Both can be true I said I'd win, didn't say clean Kept the pace, shaved off pieces of me If this is the price, then say it plain: I won, yeah Now tell me what remains What remains? 8th of August, 2025 Today I opened every window. Let the room keep its own weather I read these dates like mile markers Some things I lost. Some things lost me If the bill comes back, I'll read it again If winning is mine, how much of me is?