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Ghost Haddock
Strangelove
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๐ฌ๐ง English ยท Original
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Jeremy Handlebars loved Sarah Jane Solson
And Sarah Jane Solson loved Jeremy Handlebars
And they were going to be married
And they were going to spend the rest of their lives together
And be very, very happy
And that, as Jeremy Handlebars so often said, was that
Sarah giggled
It wasn't quite the proposal she'd imagined
But then that was Jeremy all over once he'd made his mind up
He was just so decisive, she thought
And she wished that she could be like that too
Jeremy said that it was destiny that had brought them together
And that no one, not even he, could defy the will of God
So there was no use in either of them
Fighting it, or even pretending to
It was more a case of ironing out the practical details
And making sure everything ran smoothly on the day
I mean, there was the question of the cake
And the flowers, of course
And then who to invite
And then who not to invite
I mean, where did you draw the line with a thing like this?
Sarah smiled as she stopped listening and drifted off
It was true, she could still remember that first day they'd met
As vividly as if it was now
And her attention spun back to five years ago
And that car-boot sale in Norwich
And when she thought of how she might
Nearly not have gone, she shuddered
Sarah's parents lived quite near Norwich
And on the weekend in question she'd
Gone back there on a sort of a visit
Her mum had phoned her up in one of her hysterical states
And between the sobbing, Sarah learned that dad
Had started drinking whiskeys in the morning again
This time he'd threatened Miss Annie-
Be-Down-Lightly, the lollipop lady
By sticking a shotgun in her throat
And calling her a handmaiden of the devil
Before unloading it into the air and falling down unconscious
It was just another incident in a long line of them
But Sarah's mum went through stages
Where she just could not cope anymore
And then Sarah would have to go back there for a while
"Shit," she thought, and got on the next train home
She knew there was nothing anyone could do about dad
But she felt sorry for her mum
And liked to tell herself that she loved her
And anyway, there was no point in changing the
Rules of the game this late in the second half
It was the usual carry-on when she arrived
Her mother cried and cried while Sarah cooked food for her father
Which he threw against the walls
Then, at about 7:30ish each evening
And always a little worse for it
He'd go outside and sit in his car, wind the window up
And shout the word "slags" over and over again as loud as he could
Till he fell down into a drunken sleep
Then they'd carry him inside and put him to bed
It was these screams of her father that
Accompanied Sarah upon the walk she took
After she'd sneaked out of the house
And strolled along the B1172 as it meanders its way into Norwich
Absentmindedly she happened upon the car-boot sale
And really didn't know why or what she was doing there
Till she saw it
Then everything went clear
The gun cost seventy-five quid
And after a moment's dilemma, followed by some mental calculations
She decided seventy-five was well worth
It to blow that bastard's brains out
And with glazed eyes, and to be quite
Honest, looking like a bit of a nutter
She stretched out her hand with the intention of making the gun hers
Now at that exact moment
A truly rare occurrence in this universe
As it really was that exact moment
Somebody else she hadn't noticed, and who hadn't noticed her
Stretched out his hand to take the very, very same gun
It was Jeremy
The gun, her hand, and his hand all
Made contact at the exact same instant
Eyes and barrels all meeting simultaneously
And giving rise to what can only be described as
Something like a sort of true human communication
A real one-off
That allowed understanding to flood
Through and from and into each other
All Sarah's murder impulse was exactly and oppositely reconverted
Into a passionate desire mingled with a deep-
Felt admiration, respect, and love for this stranger
Jeremy said he felt the same
So they went for espressos at Carwoodage
Which is so convenient when it's just round the corner
They laughed as their stories unravelled
Especially when Jeremy revealed coincidentally
That he was there looking for a gun to empty all over his mum
And she drank too
And when he'd been away on a two-week
Communication course which work had sent him on
She had forgotten to feed his fish
And he'd returned to find them sunny-side down, motionless, mid-tank
He'd loved them fish, and he believed that they knew and loved him too
They were, in fact, unbeknownst to his mum
His closest and most treasured companions
He told how he'd sat frozen for a week after he'd found them
And how his only contact with reality had become the
Sound of the distant tinkling of smashing glasses
Mixed in with the cackling laughter of his mother
As she entertained the local drunks upstairs
And the stench of ghost haddock which seemed
To permeate the entire accommodation block
He told how he'd remained in this trance as
The gun theory slowly revealed itself to him
And as it cleared, he woke to find himself
Driving through the outskirts of Norwich
As he later went on to explain to Sarah, he had never been to Norwich
And it held no fascination for him whatsoever
In this sense, at least, he seemed a
Normal and sane man, Sarah reasoned
And indeed, in many ways, we may assume that he was
They of course bought the gun as a token of their love
And Jeremy paid for it like proper men do
That was five years ago now
And Sarah sighed as she returned to what
She understood to be the present time
Their wedding came and went in relative safety
And was not interesting
In fact, the next significant event to occur
In their lives was some five years later
But some understanding of this intermediate period is
Necessary for fuller understanding of what was to follow
Jeremy and Sarah melted
They abandoned their own identities and grew into each other
And as time dragged on, their branches
Became so complicatedly intertwined
It was impossible to tell from which person they had originated
They choked the individuality of each other in a
Frenzy that only the terror of loneliness would allow
Now neither knew the other or themselves
But clung to feigned personalities they
Believed the other required of them
In a truly sickening and spineless existence
Based upon complete reliance upon one another
But at least they were not lonely
And respite did occur in the form of hobbies
Which they pretended to share and enjoy
But in fact did not
The irritation they so often felt for one another, they denied
But it would surface occasionally in
Sporadic eruptions of screaming and violence
Usually directed at the useless artefacts society
Offered them as distractions from each other
The TV, the microwave and the dishwasher sat
As cold and silent witnesses to their futility
But they did have their uses
As the time spent working to get them would have
Been time they'd otherwise spent with each other
In other words, put much more simply than this
They became what is commonly known as a "right couple"
The next significant event, then, was some
Five years after they'd tied the knot
Jeremy was at work doing his job at Fishy Business
Aquariums, where he looked after the fish
And Sarah was at home, rearranging their possessions
She never did seem to be able to get it quite right
She sat down and sighed absentmindedly
Picked up and toyed with the gun which had
Brought them together ten years ago that day
Which was kept pride of place on their mantelpiece
And which Jeremy insisted on being kept loaded
When it just went off
The bullet went straight through her, where her liver was
Blood and bile and pancreatic juice were
Spattered against the wall behind her
The three different fluids started dripping down the wall
And it looked like some weird kind of a race
And when one drop mixed in with another, they would
Hurry each other along on the descent to the floor
Or when one drop strayed into the path another one
Had already taken, that would speed it along too
And when the dripping stopped and it dried up, it looked good
When Jeremy arrived home to find his
Beloved floating meat tank, as it were
Something snapped inside him
Maybe it could have been something
To do with electricity, or maybe not
But anyway, his brain, his brain just shut off
And he stood there for about an hour, completely motionless
And then, when he started moving again
He was talking as if nothing had happened
He playfully scolded her, as one scolds a small
Child, for the mess she'd made on the wall
And then he cleared it up with a new kind
Of liquid, which did do the job really well
And as he did so, he carried on talking normally to her
The fact Sarah had never been much of a talker and tended to
Drift off was an enormous help in maintaining his delusion
He also found that as he dragged the corpse from room to room with him
It was best if he elevated his conversation to an excited jabbering
And unloaded all the banalities and problems he'd encountered at work
Or just talked anxiously about his money worries
Either way, it really helped
The fact that their coupledom had made them
Extremely uncomfortable in front of other people
Due to the absurdity of their false roles
Had meant that visitors had not been
Welcome in the flat for many years
So that was no problemo either
In fact, Jeremy soon found this new
State of affairs rather to his liking
Even when the body started to putrefy and fall apart
He lovingly transported the separate bits from room to room
And carefully reassembled them just the way he remembered her
And he really didn't feel lonely at all
His favourite bits were her beautiful eyes, which, after they
Had become detached from the mother head, he kept in his pockets
And would affectionately fondle, especially
When he felt nervous or he was outside
Sometimes, when the mood was right, at night
He'd pick up an ear and place it to his mouth
And mumble secrets about love and desire
And if he could find all the right bits
He'd lovingly carry them to his bed
Where he'd fall upon them and wriggle and moan
On these special occasions, he'd take the eyes
Out of his pocket and place them on the pillow
And as he lay there writhing on what was left of the body
Her eyes would stare, frozen cold and emotionless, at the ceiling
And Jeremy Handlebars didn't feel lonely at all
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