Doctor! Doctor! [A Cappella]

Stupendium, The feat. Rustage

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Lyrics

"One doctor to the microphone, please." "That's one doctor to the mic." "Thank you!" Welcome to Two Point! It's the place to be! From a painless little ailment all the way to A&E Your county's death count was quite shameful to see So now you'll have to pay to get away from that disease! Private healthcare! It's the way it's meant to be! Where's the welfare? When you're getting it for free? But it's well fair Just beware of the receipt Two Point's the only joint for medical relief! Check in — we'll get you diagnosed! Though the wait's a little long — I hope you brought a change of clothes A patient must be patient — make the waiting room your home Just do your best not to pay attention to the ghosts Two Point Hospital's the only place to be Though we're required to say there's other options legally We swear that we've prepared for you the very best of care We've medical professionals and specialists to spare We found them on the internet, but really, don't be scared Though one or two had doctorates in crayon, to be fair Screw the anaesthetic, truly, it's pathetic When saucepan wearing is the new pandemic Doctor, I'm feeling a bit lightheaded An irregular fixture, rip it out! Slot a head in! When I step onto the scene Moving and grooving my body — ways you've never seen Cha cha slide up into the GP You say I need treatment, what the hell do you mean? I spent a few days browsing paintings at the Tate To awake the next day as an arrangement of shapes Essential oils may have been the start Remember, medicine is not a science, it's an art! "I've just had a call from our legal team." "It is, in fact, a science, apologies." "Right, that'll be 200!" "200? What?" "200 Watt? No, you're at least 350!" Private healthcare! The way it's meant to be! Comfy desk chairs! And a few fatalities But we learn a little something out of every tragedy So your death won't be for nothing And that's a guarantee! No matter what you're coming down with, I know that we can handle it I just saw twenty clowns climbing out a tiny ambulance A lycanthrope, a mummy and a mammoth case of flatulence And 30 Freddy Mercurys does wonders for the ambience Two Point Hospital, try our lobotomies! And if you aren't satisfied, get your next one for free! I'm feeling blue and can't express it to you But with the doctors at this hospital, I'm 50 shades of screwed I'm not doing so grey-t, it's Grey's Anatomy I'm mad at these doctors using colourful vocabulary "Kung-fu?" "A seizure?" "Rapping?" "Ah, yes! Rapping, rapping!" "He's rapping!" Arcade nightly — never ever losing Now I'm not so spritely, I need a resolution I'm not a criminal! Jail? I'm afraid of that! But with my condition, I've stolen all of my neighbour's cats! Before we operate, there's forms you've yet to fill To say we're not responsible if we mess up the drill Our honest interrogative is not to get you killed 'Cause the patients who don't make it have no way to pay the bill I've treated many sickly beans, from bloaty head to kidney beans And if they're dead, it simply means an open bed, or quarantines Our policy is quality — we've all the best technology We're top in radiology, biology, orthology Bionic ornithology and chronic escapology Demonic Egyptology, our gift shop is beyond belief An inspection? No prob at all! Can't fake perfection, but we're faux nominal "Doctor, I think I'm addicted to petting zoos." "Oh? And what are your symptoms?" "Well, I've been feeling a little horse for weeks." Private healthcare! The way it's meant to be! There's a method to the madness aimed at every malady! We're the best you can afford and the Yelp scores agree! That we've got the best shade of grey morality! Medical practices, this is what you call it? I would've got the same experience if I burnt my wallet I'm rating this place one out of five But I've got no choice if I want to stay alive Two Point Hospital's impossible to beat! The costs are astronomical, cough up or you're deceased "Doctor, I keep forgetting what an airport building is called." "I'm so sorry." "It's terminal." Private healthcare! It's the way it's meant to be! Don't go elsewhere! Or we'll lose our subsidies! Ignore the screams! Have a seat, a cuppa tea! At Two Point, you should make a full recovery! Ignore our poor mortality rates I'm sure we can charge more — tally the rates! Yes, we can get a little bit carried away But ignoring all the flaws, tell me how was your stay Choose Two Point Hospital for comical disease We honestly can promise that we'll probably succeed "Patients are reminded that fatality is not an excuse for late payment." "Thank you!"