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The Athiest
Dane Cook
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Here's what went down, okay. I'm standing next to this guy, this entire thing starts off with a sneeze. A sneeze started this entire situation off, okay. I'm standing next to this guy, I don't know this man, I've never met hi before in my life, or in a past life. I can sense this.
Standing next to this man, never met him before. He turns towards me and he sneezes like this, he goes, PHWHUUUH!
He actually did like the robot from '85. PHWHUUUUH! Yeah, he turns towards me, and he sneezed. And there was no blockage. There was no hand or the mouth. There was no burying the arm. There's no, the thing where you try to make somebody run away like you're about to turn into a werewolf.
Hey, something's happening me to me, grrrra. No. He just cocked and PHWUUUUUH!
Two things happened. First of all, it just, it scared the ever-livin' outta me, okay? I jumped. It was was very audible, very loud. But besides that, just the way the light was hitting this guy's face, debris came out. Alotta stuff.
Almost like when you use Windex and you put it on mist mode. You kow mist mode? As oppsed to what other mode, is that laser mode? Does anybody even use that? Is that in case you want to mount a sniper-scope on your Windex and... I got a stain about 8 clicks. (click noise) I am taking the shot. psssst... negative, I missed. I missed the target, I need one more. Psssst. got it. Let's go home boys.
I am going to tell you right now, please, when you use the Windex bottle, never put that shit half-way. Always make sure it's lined up. There's no joke here. Don't do that.
Bad things happen to good people. I know someone here tonight is going to go home and go, hold on I gotta try this shit. What happens if you don't line it up, I just wanna see. Hold on. What if when you did that a fuckin' ghost came out... HAHAH. He told you not to. Hahaha. I am windextorrr. I will clean your souuulll. HAHAAH.
He sneezed. Debris. Movement.
Okay, now at this point I'm digusted. And I'm grossed out. Okay. I'm grossed out by it.
And at first I think, I'm going to go off on this guy. And then I decided, Wait a second Dane, don't do that. Take the high road. Try to be polite.
So I turn to him and this is what I said. I looked at him and I went, uhh God Bless You. Yeah, I said it like that. God Bless You. Which is God Bless You but it kinda sounds like, cover you're fuckin mouth.
Yeah. Incognito. I turned to the guy. I say God Bless You by the way when someone sneezed. I don't say Bless You. I don't say that becauseeee, I'm not the Lord. I can't do that.
I'm just a messenger for big guns upstairs. You know what I'm sayin'? Haahaha.
And I never go with Gesundheit. I don't know you even says that. If I say Gesundheit I feel like I'm honoring Hilter. Like I should be like Gesundheit! I end up on the history channel because the guy sneezed.
God Bless You. This is what the guy comes back with, okay. Here's where it starts to get out of control. The guy looks at me and very condescending. He goes, uhhh. yeahh... I'm an Atheist.
Yeah what a jerk right? I'm trying to be polite and I don't know you're and Atheist. And even if I did what and I supposed to say when an Atheist sneezes? Uhhhh... when you die nothing happens.
So now. Oh Man. Now I start getting into like, a religious debate with this guy. And it is awful. Okay. He's questioning my beliefs. Well, what about you? What, what did you grow up?
Well, I was raised Catholic, I waaas raised Catholic. And. Peace be with you. And also with you. Lift up your hearts. Dinga Dinga Dinga Ding. Haaha.
As I'm telling him about my religious background, he is laughing at me. He is Laughing at me. He's giggling. He's like, if you believe this. hahah. ohhh... ahhh. Now for his own entertainment he says this. Let me ask you this. What do you believe happens to you after um, after you die?
And I said uhh... okay. well, hopefully I live a good life and my soul goes to heaven and when I get there all my ancestors will be waiting for me like it's an airport.
HEYYY! Whatsupp? Guess who's dead sucker. Hahahaaa. Come here. Float over here. Check this out.
I'm telling him this. He's laughing even more. He is so condescending. He's so snarky with his fuckin' attitude. Yeah. Snarky it's a word. Google that shit. It exsists. I'm not kidding. Snarky. Great word. Google magic my friends.
And just incase you're wondering. I do keep my keyboard right at my lips. You see this happening and you're like Dane, that's awfully close to you're face. Oh. I know. Cause for the spacebar. I kiss. Mwahh. That saves time. To whom it may concern. Mwahhh. And I kiss.
Unless it's an aggressive letter. And then I head butt. I head butt the space bar. I have a pad on there. How dare you. How dare all of you.
So he's laughing at my beliefs. And finally, I just snap it.
OKay! What about, What about you? Alright. You're an Atheist. What does that mean? What happens to you after you die? Now he gets really serious like he's about to school me. Okay. Oh I can tell you young man. I can tell you. I KNOW what's going to happen to me after I die.
After I pass on, my body will become one with this earth. From there, I will become a fertilizer for this planet. And with that. I will return as a huge, beautiful tree. That's what this guy believes. He laughing at me. He's going to come back as a fuckin ficus. Yeah.
Johnny weeping willow over here.
I wanted to slam this guy so bad for this right. But then I stopped. I stopped you guys please hear me out. I let it sink in and I want you guys to as well.
I hope when he dies he does become a tree. I hope he's in the middle of the wilderness and he's doing his tree thing. Whatever it is trees do. I know they do alot of work with breezes. And wouldn't it be fantastic if while he was out there just enjoying his treeness. Through the woods a huge, sweaty guy with an axe comes along. Sees him. Chops him down. Smash. Put a chain around him. Drah him through the mud and the muck. Put him into a sawmill. Grind him up. Then you pound him down into paper. And once he's paper. You print the Bible on him.
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