Hello, Old Friend
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It's weird to be a recovering drug addict
It was weird to be a drug addict, but at least I was on drugs
It's strange sometimes
You know, like, I'm doing great, but when I'm alone
I'm with the person that tried to kill me
Sometimes I walk past a mirror, I'm like
"Oh, great, this fucking guy again, Jesus"
That is kind of a creepy feeling sometimes
But it's also a nice feeling
It gives me a strange kind of confidence sometimes
'Cause like, look, I, I used to care
What everyone thought about me so much
It was all I cared about
All I cared about was what other people thought of me
And I don't anymore
And I don't because I can honestly say
What is someone gonna do to me that's
Worse than what I would do to myself?
What, are you gonna cancel John Mulaney?
I'll kill him
I almost did
I was in a museum in Detroit with my son
I was pushing him in a stroller
Through this big room where they have all these Diego Rivera murals
And I was explaining to my son Malcolm
He was about nine months at the time
How Diego Rivera was brilliant, but a communist
And Malcolm was just blowing kisses to inanimate
Objects and crossing his eyes as he shit his diaper
And I'd never been out with him and had
To change a diaper alone in public before
So I went up to the museum docent and I said
"Is there anywhere I can change my baby?"
And she goes, "Yeah, the men's room would be fine"
And I go, "Okay"
And I push him in the men's room
And I walk in there
And I look on the wall
Hello, old friend