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My Horrible Body
Louis C.K.
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I can't take it for myself
And I'm always just uncomfortable
Just sweaty and just, like I
This is such a bummer, like
It's my nightmare
It's my whole life
Best thing that ever happened to me was boxer briefs
I'm so happy about boxer briefs
It doesn't seem like a big deal to most people
But before boxer briefs, I was trapped between the two awful worlds of briefs and boxers
Briefs are for a normal man with one leg here and one leg here
Two totally separate legs
With a whole area between
And the briefs go up into this little valley, this little area and they come down like this
And they can just, and they can just tuck up in there and just hold them nicely
Because he's got all that air and negative space
But this is just all just mashed together
Just upsetting, steamy, red, sweaty just, like-
This looks like a pig's ass when I naked
Like, even my dick is curly like the tail
This is a pig's ass
And I pull the briefs on and they just go
And they just grab my dick and balls
"Here's your balls, you fat bastard, you like that?"
And they just dig up in there with this viciously sharp cotton and
After a while I'd have just this wad of just damp cloth
Just a wad of wet cotton
Just like the size of a tennis ball
Like a huge wad of wet cotton
And boxers were worse
Because they just let everything flap around and touch each other and upset each other
I need everything to be segregated down here
Everything would stick in and just get
And also when I had boxers on for some reason, I always had just water
Like a-, like a quarter cup of water just sloshing around my asshole all the time
Just shivering with water
It's hovering around my asshole
Defying gravity
It's like an upside down glass of water in my ass
I gotta manage mine
Because I can't stop eating
I exercise a lot
I run five miles every other day to- man-, to-, to maintain this shit body that I have
Because the food, man, I eat like high octane crap
Like the w-
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