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Dating Advice
Bill Burr
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I don't know, what are you gonna do?
So, anyway, you know, there's a big thing out there, I wanna let you guys know this shit
Where it's just like, you know, they try to make you feel, all these fucking apps
They make you feel bad about aging
And all of these people are getting like, plastic surgery now, I'm telling you
You don't need to do it, okay?
You're gonna fucking die, all right?
That's generation X, my generation, they're 50s, taking testosterone shit
Posting before and after pictures on the internet, it's hilarious, shirtless
Like trying to attract women
And it's funny, they look good, they look like Rambo here, but in the neck, you see the divorce
The bad relationship with the kids, the dreams that didn't work out
The fucking HOA that made you tear down that porch that you didn't have the fucking
The permit for, or whatever the fuck it was that you did, you know?
Do you realize how much you don't get life if you're still trying to bang broads in your 50s?
Dude, at my age, like, eight hours sleep is the new pussy, that's it
Yeah, eight hours uninterrupted, there's nothing better than that
Meaning I wake up when I want to wake up, you know what I mean?
I don't have somebody in my ear like, okay, the kids have practice today
You need to go downstairs, make us a breakfast, I gotta get the car wash, just
Just waking up when I want to wake up, it's just, it's fucking amazing, so
I don't know, I might be weird, but I think the job of an older person is
You're supposed to help out younger people
You're not supposed to try and fuck them, right? Slow applause, you know, all right
I mean, the legal age, deeper, deeper, dude
I'm that old guy that acts like he figured everything out, you know?
I'm that old guy that acts like he figured everything out, you know, so I always give young people advice
Okay, I always tell women, right, I'll be like, you know, okay, here's one for you
If you're on a date with a guy at any point during the evening
If he cracks his own neck, just get out of the relationship right then and there
All right, he's a fucking meathead, and he's gonna put meathead babies in you
And they're gonna drive tow trucks, and they're never gonna own the company, okay?
That's what it is
All right? Look for the red flags, okay?
Little guy, big watch
Major red flag
Nothing wrong with the little guy, but that little guy with that fucking
Maybe he has a rap album, fucking giant watch walking around, making all this noise
For some reason, you find him adorable, so you agree to go out with him
And then he pulls up to the date in that giant truck
And that magic step appears, so he doesn't fall to his death
And the next thing you know, you're in a fucking relationship with him
And one day you have a huge fight with him
And he storms out, you watch him waddle down the front yard
And then you're upstairs crying as you fold in his little pants
And then it finally dawns on you
I could have the exact same problems with a full-size man
For three years, I didn't feel safe when he held me
It's like I found a hairy eight-year-old at the mall, right?
Ladies, if you have a girlfriend, and she has like a sweatshirt that says Namaste on it, she's a cunt
Like, how do you not see that?
How, why would you think that she's spiritual?
I just don't, you shouldn't have to advertise that you're spiritual
You should sense it
Namaste, this is just how I choose to live my life, you know?
She's one of those people, you know, who goes on gram
And goes out into nature with a bathing suit up her ass
And does like the fucking hard hands, with like advice
Guys, don't forget to take time for yourself when you're fucking gathering
Your knowledge and your journey, you know?
If I was a dictator, that's one of the first groups of people that I would eliminate
Anybody that fucking did that
And then right after that, would be anybody who tried to do the hard hands
But were too stupid, so it looked like a grilled cheese sandwich
You ever see, okay, Tabitha, see you later
It's just like
All right, so I gave women some advice
All right? Here's some for the guys
Guys, if you're dating a woman who's always cold, all right?
And I don't mean here, the vitals
I mean the feet, the hands, the fingers, the extremities
Almost as if her heart isn't strong enough to fucking pump the blood out
You know those women?
No matter what month of the year, they're fucking cold
Every sleeve they have fucking hangs down to here
You just see like two fingernails hanging out
Any, any drink you give them, they gotta hold it like a toddler
They get in bed, they put that cadaver foot on you
You're like, ah!
You can't breed with that
All right? You're gonna have sickly little children with allergies
Kleenex in every room
They're gonna come out of the womb with the cold
Ah, phew, ah, phew
A few years later, they all got glasses
I can't go to school today, the plumber
Ah, phew
Can I watch my iPad, phew
And you're sitting there going, what the fuck happened?
I played sports
What are these things?
What happened? What happened?
You dumped one in Debbie Blue Toes
That's what the fuck you did?
Jesus Christ, use your head
You think she's gonna make a strong baby? She's not
All those flamingo-legged chicks, you know?
Influencers
We used to call them whores
Now they're like, now they're leading the herd, evidently, right?
Yeah, back in the day
Back in the day, women like that did not survive the winter, all right?
They froze to death under a buffalo blanket or some shit
That's not what you wanted
Back in the day
You ever see paintings of hot chicks back in the day?
They're like fucking fullbacks
That's what you wanted
Something that could take some punishment, you know?
Take a couple of pieces of plywood off the dome during a tornado
Something with a big ass your kids could hide behind
And she fought off a bear and you were running in from the fields
I'm coming for you Clementine, right?
Yeah, these fucking skinny chicks
I'm telling you, they used to die right and fucking left
But over the last hundred years, you had all these fucking, all these inventions
Centralized heat, right? The C-section. It just keeps them alive
They make all these sickly, whiny kids, you know?
Next thing you know, everybody's wearing helmets
This is what it is