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Vasectomies, Fat Girls And Monopoly Money (Larry The Cable Guy)
Blue Collar Comedy Tour
Popularity ยท Low
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๐ฌ๐ง English ยท Original
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Lyrics
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I'm gonna tell you right off I'm walking a little limpy tonight
I had a vasectomy done at Sears last week
So now every time I get excited the garage door goes up
So that ain't good
Almost broke it off the hinges watching Britney Spears last week
Up, down, up, down, up, down
Good Lord
Did you know Britney Spears hurt her leg and had to cancel some dates
But they said with the proper rehabilitation
She should be back on her knees in no time
So that's good
Alright
That's funny
I don't care who you are, that's funny right there
I'm gonna tell you this story
I was driving down the road the other day and I get pulled over
And the policeman says, "You been drinking?"
I'm like, "No, why? Is there a fat girl in my back seat?"
Yeah, good Lord
By God, there's two of 'em
I guess I was hammered
Good Lord
Don't you hate it when you get so daggone drunk
You look in your pocket the next day and
There's some girl's number in there with a name
And you don't know nothing about it
So you call her up and you get this, "Hello?"
"Yeah, Debbie there?"
"This is Debbie"
I ain't drinking no more, that's ridiculous right there
I ain't drinking
What I'm gonna tell you is I was driving down to
See a buddy of mine in Tulsa, Oklahoma not long ago
And that's right, you know what Tulsa spelled backward is?
A slut
You know what a slut backward is?
A hundred dollars
Get it? That's funny
Alright
But I'm gonna tell you
I was driving down there and I had one of the
Damn rental cars that had a voice-activated radio
Like you wanna hear country music, say "country"
Country come on
You wanna hear rock and roll?
Rock and roll come on
I wanted to hear country music and I was about to say "country"
And some car cut me off and I said, "You stupid moron"
And Dr. Laura come on the radio on there
And I couldn't
That ain't right, don't laugh at that
Lord, I apologize for that there
Be with the pygmies, amen
But I was going down there to see my buddy down there
And I stopped at the Hooters when I was down
Have you seen the shorts on them girls at the Hooters?
Good Lord
Tell you what, if they get any shorter the
FDA's gonna start making 'em wear hairnets
I tell you that much, 'cause that's ridiculous
Good Lord
Need to go to church or something
If you don't think that's funny you get the hell out of here
'Cause that's a funny joke right there
That's a funny joke
That's funnier than watching midgets run track right there
I tell you, that's a funny joke
So I get down to see my buddy and I was at his house
And he was fighting with his nephew
I guess his nephew got in some trouble
He's in tenth grade and he had sex with his teacher
And I was like, "Hey, that's pretty cool," you know
But the bad part is he's homeschooled
You know, so that ain't good
That ain't good at all
I know that ain't good
That ain't right
Lord, I apologize for that there
Be with the pygmies in New Guinea, amen
But my buddy lives in a real bad neighborhood down there
And we was watching TV and he said, "You wanna watch Cops?"
I said, "Yes"
We went out and sat on the front porch and
And it was a repeat, figure that out
We was down there a couple days
Went to a strip club down there and this girl
Yeah, this girl got mad at me and I tipped her with Monopoly money
And she goes, "That's fake money"
I'm like, "Those are fake titties"
You know what I mean?
We even take a little bit, you know?
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That's ridiculous
I got to
I got kinda worried when I was down there
'Cause the whole time I was down there I was talking on the cell phone
One of them cellularized telephones
And, but I got kinda scared 'cause I
Was reading in the paper the other day
'Cause my neighbor got up late
And, uh
It, uh
It said if you talk a lot on them cell
Phones it can put microwaves into your body
And I think that's true 'cause I was talking on it the whole weekend
Went home and pooped a Hot Pocket
So there's something to that
Is this the dumbest part of the show right here?
It's gotta be close to it
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