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Ernie (the Fastest Milkman In the West)/Benny Hill
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You could hear the hoof beats pound as they raced across the ground
And the clatter of the wheels as they spun round and round
And he galloped into Market Street, his badge upon his chest
His name was Ernie
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west
Now Ernie loved a widow, a lady known as Sue
She lived all alone in Linley Lane at number 22
They said she was too good for him
She was haughty, proud, and chic
But Ernie got his cocoa there, three times every week
They called him Ernie (Ernie)
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west
She said she'd like to bathe in milk
He said, alright sweetheart
And when he finished work one night, he loaded up the cart
He said, "You wanted pasteurised 'cause pasteurised is best"
She says Ernie I'll be happy if it comes up to me chest
And that tickled old Ernie (Ernie)
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west (ah-woo)
Now Ernie had a rival, an evil-looking man
Called Two Ton Ted from Teddington and he drove the baker's van
He tempted her with his treacle tarts and his tasty wholemeal bread
And when she seen the size of his hot meat pies
It very near turned her head
She nearly swooned at his macaroon
And he said now if you treat me right
You'll have hot rolls every morning
And crumpets every night
He knew once she'd sampled his layer cake
He'd have his wicked way
And all Ernie had to offer was a pint of milk a day
Poor Ernie (Ernie)
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west (ah-woo)
One lunchtime Ted saw Ernie's horse and cart outside her door
It drove him mad to find it was still there at half past four
And as he leaped down from his van
Hot blood through his veins did course
And he went across to Ernie's cart
And he didnarf kick his horse
Whose name was Trigger (Trigger)
And he pulled the fastest milk cart in the west
Now Ernie rushed out into the street
His gold top in his hand
He said if you want to marry Susie
You'll fight for her like a man
Oh, why don't we play cards for her?
He sneeringly replied
And just to make it interesting
We'll have a shilling on the side
Now Ernie dragged him from his van
And beneath the blazing sun
They stood there face to face
And Ted went for his bun
But Ernie was too quick
Things didn't go the way Ted planned
And a strawberry flavoured yoghurt
Sent it spinning from his hand
Now Sue, she ran between them
And tried to keep them apart
And Ernie pushed her aside
And a rock cake caught him underneath his heart
And he looked up in pained surprise
And the concrete hardened crust
Of a stale pork pie caught him in the eye
And Ernie bit the dust
Poor Ernie (Ernie)
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west
Ernie was only 52, he didn't wanna die
Now he's gone to make deliveries
In that milk round in the sky
Where the customers are angels
And ferocious dogs are banned
And a milkman's life is full of fun in that fairy dairy land
But a woman's needs are manyfold
And Sue she married Ted
But strange things happened on their wedding night
As they lay in their bed
Was that the trees a rustling
Or the hinges of the gate
Or Ernie's ghostly gold top a rattling in their crate
They won't forget Ernie (Ernie)
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west
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